Chapters 13-15: Spring Break Shark Attack!

... If only.

I'm tired of this book, and that really needs no introduction. Let's go.

Bella hurries over to La Push to warn Jacob that people are trying to kill him and his werewolf posse, and to ask him if he and his werewolf posse been killing people. Jacob assures her that vampires are the ones who have been killing people, and that the werewolves have only been killing vampires. Bella approves.

Jacob then calls a meeting of the gang, basically by using his feelings. The boys show up and aren't very happy about Bella being around (No Girls Allowed! It says it right on our clubhouse, dude!). One of them, a 'Paul', gets so huffy that he and Jacob throw down and have a wolf-fight right there, more for our benefit than anyone else's (... they're werewolves, did you notice? Did you?). Sam tells the others to take Bella to his fiancee Emily's house while he tries to break up the kerfuffle.

They head over to Emily's, and Sam, Jake, and Pissy Paul show up soon after. The gang quickly turns out to be one big happy family, all giving off that same vague likableness as Jacob, at least compared to every other character in this damned series. Jake explains that their now-arch-nemesis Victoria is after Bella, which earns our hated heroine a security detail.

Bella spends pretty much all of her spring break (which it conveniently is, at this point in the story) in La Push. Jacob and the gang are still off hunting Victoria most of the time, so the majority of Chapter 15 is devoted to Bella brooding about boys, and Jake's safety (but mostly boys). Jacob gets a day off and promises to finally take Bella cliff-diving, but they get a hot lead on Victoria, and he has to skive off to try to save the day. Bella decides to take herself cliff-diving, and the chapter ends with her starting to drown, then hallucinating about Edward, then continuing to drown.

Spoiler alert--She doesn't drown after all. What a tease.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE:

1. Jake's friend Quil may or may not turn into a werewolf, but there's been much discussion about it. MUCH discussion. In fact, if he doesn't have some sort of absolutely ridiculous crisis soon, it's going to be a real letdown.

2. Werewolves don't REALLY turn at the full moon, you historically- and mythologically-accurate nerds. They turn when they get angry or upset and can't calm themselves down... Hulk rules, basically, but with fur instead of verdancy.

3. Werewolves also have higher temperatures than normal people, so they don't like wearing shirts.

4. Bella spends a lot of time 'not being able to breathe'.

BELLA'S TEAM: Team Jacob, but then she went all Team Edward toward the end there.

OUR TEAM: Team Drown. Drown you poorly-conceived, chagrin-filled, soul-sucking wench! DROWN! Sigh... it's hopeless, isn't it?

Chapter Five (wherein lunch factors greatly, but no one is satisfied)

Only up to Chapter Five, and the combined madness and badness of this book may finally be getting to me. Not saying the book wasn't irksome before (to say the least), but my resulting loopiness has pretty much reached the point of public noticeability. Case in point-- in this chapter, there's a reference to the sterile paper you sit on in doctors' offices... it's 'crackly paper'. The rest of the chapter is apparently so bland and uninspired that, by comparison, the term 'crackly paper' made me laugh so hard that I immediately turned to my boyfriend and squee-d, 'It says crackly paper... like, the paper they have at the doctor that you sit on, and it crackles! It IS crackly paper! It's funny because it's true!' Yes, observational humor is often funny, but 'crackly paper' is just something Ms. Meyer happened to say that was so uncharacteristically accurate that it struck me as hilarious. That isn't observational humor. That's just sad. Moving along....

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- So, in the last chapter, Edward offered Bella a ride to Seattle and intensely smoldered her into accepting. In retrospect, that smoldering probably wasn't necessary, because Bella is so overwhelmed by the idea of Edward wanting to drive her anywhere that she talks herself into believing it was probably just a dream. When she gets to lunch that day (he asked before school, so she's only had a few pages to obsess), she doesn't see him sitting in his usual spot with the Cullen crew, which distresses her so much that she loses her appetite. However, he is at lunch after all. One of Bella's friends points out that he's sitting alone, and when Bella turns to look, he motions her over. She sits with him-- which causes much scandalized whispering-- and what follows is a lengthy, cryptic conversation. The only things we really learn from their chat-- (1) Edward may not be the good guy. He may be the bad guy. (2) Edward is dangerous. (3) Edward wants to know 'what' Bella thinks he is, but she's embarrassed because she only has dumb theories. He makes her share one. Thus, we know that Edward was not bitten by a radioactive spider. (4) Edward's stare is still intense. Anyhoo, the lunch bell rings, and it's time for Biology. Edward says he's ditching class and invites her to ditch with him (what a classic high-school bad boy), but Bella decides to go to class. As it turns out, they're blood typing in Biology. It also turns out that Bella faints at the sight/smell of blood. She gets woozy and has to go to the nurse's office with Mike (remember Mike?) eagerly accompanying her. Once they get outside, Edward shows up out of nowhere and insists to take her himself. Mike protests, but Edward brushes him off and, in a great show of harlequin-esque romance, gathers the ailing Bella in his arms and whisks her away to the nurse (and sets her on the crackly paper). He talks the nurse into letting Bella go home early (no PE? awww...), saying that he can give her a ride home. When they get out to the parking lot, Bella heads to her truck, intending to drive herself home. Edward then completely flips out and drags (yes, DRAGS) her to his car, demanding that she let him drive her home. In the car, they briefly discuss family dynamics that we've been aware of for a while now. Edward drives very fast, so they get to Bella's house much sooner than the length of their conversation suggests, she gets out, he leaves, end scene.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. The sanitary paper in the nurse's office is crackly.

2. Edward is nuts.

3. When Bella is tossing around theories about Edward (to herself), Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker are mentioned. At lunch, a Superman reference is made. The Biology teacher's name is Mr. Banner. If you get it, you'll laugh.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE: Level 6