Blog New.0

For anyone who's been actively following posts for the last month or two (I know you're out there... show yourself!), I need hardly mention that (a) I haven't been posting much, and (b) the blog has been in a rather awkward, almost pubescent phase.  Well, no longer!  I give you the new and improved, extra-super-toasty Blog 2.0-- The Insomniac Book Club!

As the title implies, I'll still be focusing largely on literature, and my unbiased [aHEM hack cough splutter] opinions on the matter.  However, all books and no play make the Impster a cranky, muttering, ankle-gnawing hermit, so I'll also be writing about whatever I damn well please (like dinosaurs in rocketships).  What's really important, though, is that now the blog comes with pretty pictures!

...Well, pictures, anyway.

To kick things off, I'll introduce myself a bit better, so you can all rest assured that you're in good [Cough] hands.  This is me.

This is a more accurate representation of me.

I'm a recent college graduate who still can't decide what I want to be when I grow up (IF I grow up, which seems increasingly unlikely).  My shelves are full of classic literature, comics, vinyl toys, and ridiculous hats.  I like good books and bad movies.  Like all right-thinking people, I love bacon.  I'm allergic to gluten, but I love cupcakes, pies, and cinnamon buns.

As you might have noticed, I also love toast, but I have a complex relationship with my toaster.  My toaster is possessed, you see.  It behaves itself well enough most of the time so I'll let my guard down, but I'm on to it.

On a not-entirely-unrelated note, I spend a great deal of time yelling at inanimate objects.  This is because I know that all of my household appliances are conspiring to make my life difficult.  It may sound paranoid, but look at the evidence in your own life.  It's a perfectly reasonable conclusion.

I also love plants.  I have two, with more on the way.  Generally speaking, I find houseplants to be more trustworthy than appliances, but the patch of sunlight they're currently sitting in is right next to a mini-fridge, and mini-fridges are notoriously charismatic.  I'm keeping tabs on the situation as best as I can.

I may or may not also give plants silly names like 'Jefferson Aeroplant'.

Enough about me, though.  There will be plenty of time to trod out my little quirks and Batman-themed clothing in later anecdotes, where they'll probably be absolutely necessary to explain myself.

If you're new to the blog and feel like browsing some archives, feel free, but be warned that you're entering a pictureless world of great sadness.  The only books dealt with up 'til now are the first two Twilight books--which, incidentally, I highly recommend NOT reading.  If a painstaking, chapter-by-chapter descent into madness is your thing, then archive on.  Otherwise, I recommend 'Lessons From the Shmeyerverse' for a brief, mocking foray into Twilight's content, or any of the Toast Patrol segments for a laugh.

Since illustrating posts (in lieu of getting tipsy and pulling them out of my bum) takes time, and I have to go to my job so I can live in an apartment and put bacon in my tummy, posts will be somewhat less frequent... but totally more PICTURE-RIFIC.  I think getting to use awesome suffixes is worth it.

In the meantime, read safely (I'm looking at you, aspiring speed-readers!), and make good literary decisions.  Don't make my mistakes.

NEW MOON: LESSONS FROM THE SHMEYERVERSE

1. 18 years old is ancient.

2. Hyperventilating is is the answer. Not only is it THE reasonable reaction to anything at all distressing, it also gets you what you want.

3. When the love of your teenaged life leaves you, walking through the forest becomes incredibly difficult.

4. Physics is an arbitrary concept and behaves as is situationally appropriate.

5. Months and chapters can be the same thing.

6. If you hear an attractive male voice in your head, don't worry--unless you're not willing to put yourself recklessly and repeatedly in harm's way so you can continue to hear it scold you.

7. The internet is magical and can give you answers based on little to no meaningful information, especially if your love interest is a wildly inaccurate perversion of a well-known mythical creature.

8. For the werewolves of the Shmeyerverse, there is no weird behavior that can't be excused with a proportionately stupid explanation.

9. While drowning, if you start seeing hallucinations of an attractive guy, you should keep drowning as long as possible.

10. If you live in the Shmeyerverse AND you're motivated by love, grand theft auto has no consequences.

11. When good things happen to you unexpectedly, immediately assume that you've died and gone to heaven until proven otherwise.

12. In the right context, a minor inconvenience can be the climax of a 400-page narrative.

13. Knowing a hot guy exists is enough reason to continue living.

14. Love conquers all respiratory problems.

15. Anything is possible if you just free yourself from tired old notions like 'consistency' and 'a plot'.

And most importantly:

16. Bella is really, REALLY freaking special. She is the center of the 'verse, after all.