The Top 20 Toasty Tidbits of 2010

Seasoned greetings, toastyreaders! To celebrate the figurative death of the year, the Toast Patrol crew has scoured our patrols thus far, and with our toasty powers combined we bring you the absolute toastiest of 2010.

And heeeeeeeeere they are:

20. 'Flronmpy'

19. The Japanese rubber-suit monster hair of 'Edward Pattinson'

18. Ralph McPukeface looks into the evil gun-hole

17. imp.toast demands Bella be a moose

16. Pither's server isn't serving

15. Spherical Twi-fan Romeo longs for Little Debbie

14. Forrest Gumption uses the worn their

13. Twi-fans feed their blanket a Subway sandwich and a non-believer

12. Bella is clearly a sweater

11. UPS wreck + tux + sewing machine = best prom ever

10. Aunt Mepple meets the guys

9. Jabba vs Unicorn Murderer

8. Forrest Gumption just sees a Reese's cup of depression

7. In a snit over the Harry Potter franchise, Rob Pattinson won't come down from the tree

6. The toastygang is neither fattist nor fattest

5. Eddie Pee-Pants holds back the rest of the class

4. A better franchise, off in the distance

3. Sewing machines are winning the arms race

2. Floor pie > sky pie > mud pie... therefore, 'not skittles'

1. Twi-fans are a threat to children and family games everywhere

Don't see your favorite bit of toast? Tell the world with a comment! Until then, we'll consider this an affirmation of our collective sense of humor. Happy 2011, everyone!

Toast Patrol: Scaryfans

Just in time for New Year's, it's a new Toast Patrol! This super-special plus-sized Patrol is devoted to the only thing worse than Twilight-- the frightening people who love it.

imp.toast: Some trust falls are less trustworthy than others.

Pither: This is what I am in the sheet!

Forrest Gumption: It looks like... Woodstock.

Forrest Gumption: But instead of hippies, it's... it's... hapless.

Forrest Gumption: Hapless girls.

Pither: (hiss)

Forrest Gumption: Wait!! No, now I know... they're feeding him!

Forrest Gumption: This is the pagan ritual.

Pither: What are they feeding him?

imp.toast: Subway?

Forrest Gumption: A Subway sandwich and a non-believer!

Forrest Gumption: The camera man is dead! This is a crime scene.

imp.toast: That explains the fence in the back.

Pither: So this is what a time-out is like.

Forrest Gumption: Two things that make me sad... crammed together.

Forrest Gumption: Like a Reese's cup of depression.

Pither: She looks like Romeo longing for Juliet.

imp.toast: She looks like Romeo longing for Little Debbie.

Pither: What is she sitting on?

Pither: Oh wait, that's her tummy.

imp.toast: My question is, what is she not stalking?

Pither: Well, here's my thought... one needs to have two capable legs to stalk properly.

Pither: Hence... yeah. No stalking.

imp.toast: Ah... so if she can't stalk, NO ONE CAN.

Pither: OR, she's just really in dire need of informing the masses that she ain't doing it.

Forrest Gumption: I was unaware they made tents in "hemisphere" sizes.

Forrest Gumption: Is that a 2 liter of mayo in the cup holder?

Pither: It needs to recede into whence it came.

Forrest Gumption: This is that crab that the Chinese believe creates the tides.

Pither: She seems to be dwelling in a village of similarly-abled organisms.

Forrest Gumption: The only possible answer is that this is that arsenic-based microbe.

Pither: Jabba the Hutt is going to sloth by any minute and throw spurs at her cheeks, in wishful hopes that she will pop.

imp.toast: Then HE will be fattest in all the land!

Forrest Gumption: She's holding the tail of a defeated unicorn. So...you know, Jabba versus Unicorn Murderer.

imp.toast: How is that not an internet game?

Pither: Jabba is pitying this creature.

Pither: Even he is going, 'Jeez, you could eat AROUND the fat.'

imp.toast: I think it's important to point out that she's brought all this upon herself by being a crazy Twilight fan.

imp.toast: We're not 'fattist'.

Forrest Gumption: She's fattest.

imp.toast: Really, there's no evidence that these are Twilight fans, but the picture was labeled 'Twilight fan' and I can't help but believe it.

Forrest Gumption: oh-mum-jibay, OH-MUM-JIBAY...

Pither: Funnily enough, my first reaction was HEARTS ON FIRE, HEARTS ON FIRE...

Forrest Gumption: This man hates flesh.

Pither: LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

Forrest Gumption: I think only that child will survive the obvious mass suicide.

Pither: The boy is scarred for life and for death.

Forrest Gumption: He knows both are in danger.

Pither: This man is a problem. He seems to emanate unawares-ness.

Pither: Only the boy is even taking notice of him.

Forrest Gumption: IGNORE ME!!!!

Pither: I feel like I know all of these kids from freshman year high school...

Pither: And none of them I wanted to remember.

imp.toast: No, I think there's at least one middle-aged mom in there.

Forrest Gumption: My hope: the boy on the right loses his tongue when any random, flailing hand hits him in the jaw.

Pither: They have never seen a camera before... they want to see it with their hands.

Forrest Gumption: Many of them seem to want to poke the camera man in the eyes, three stooges style.

Pither: Look at the guy behind the guy that loses his tongue when any random flailing hand hits him in the jaw... "idunevenohowigaaahhthere..."

Forrest Gumption: The others are in an intense game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: It is a flock of geese. Such an occurence should nary take place in the game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: These people are a threat to children and family games everywhere.

Forrest Gumption: This game is way out of hand.

Forrest Gumption: Or rather... full of hands.

Pither: And deathly terrible puns.

NEW MOON: LESSONS FROM THE SHMEYERVERSE

1. 18 years old is ancient.

2. Hyperventilating is is the answer. Not only is it THE reasonable reaction to anything at all distressing, it also gets you what you want.

3. When the love of your teenaged life leaves you, walking through the forest becomes incredibly difficult.

4. Physics is an arbitrary concept and behaves as is situationally appropriate.

5. Months and chapters can be the same thing.

6. If you hear an attractive male voice in your head, don't worry--unless you're not willing to put yourself recklessly and repeatedly in harm's way so you can continue to hear it scold you.

7. The internet is magical and can give you answers based on little to no meaningful information, especially if your love interest is a wildly inaccurate perversion of a well-known mythical creature.

8. For the werewolves of the Shmeyerverse, there is no weird behavior that can't be excused with a proportionately stupid explanation.

9. While drowning, if you start seeing hallucinations of an attractive guy, you should keep drowning as long as possible.

10. If you live in the Shmeyerverse AND you're motivated by love, grand theft auto has no consequences.

11. When good things happen to you unexpectedly, immediately assume that you've died and gone to heaven until proven otherwise.

12. In the right context, a minor inconvenience can be the climax of a 400-page narrative.

13. Knowing a hot guy exists is enough reason to continue living.

14. Love conquers all respiratory problems.

15. Anything is possible if you just free yourself from tired old notions like 'consistency' and 'a plot'.

And most importantly:

16. Bella is really, REALLY freaking special. She is the center of the 'verse, after all.

Chapters 22-Epilogue: Just d'awwwwful

Well, dear friends and esteemed onlookers, we're almost to the end. It's here, and it's queer (get that knot out of your knickers, it means 'odd'). Actually, odd isn't quite the right description; I was just going for the rhyme and light mockery of protest group chants. The last few chapters of this book are horribly, almost unethically, bland. Do pay attention, because I'm only going to revisit them this once...

Bella and co. hop a plane back to Forks, where Charlie finally starts acting the dad and blames Edward for everything bad that has ever happened in the world. Did I mention what a sympathetic character Charlie's suddenly shaping up to be?

When Bella wakes up from sleeping off her ordeal, Edward is there to explain that he never really wanted to leave and wouldn't have if he'd known how sad and stupid Bella would be about it, and how he 'can't live in a world where [she doesn't] exist'. He describes lying in the fetal position in meadows and generally poncing about in agony--apparently, he was sad and stupid about her, too. Don't mind that squelching sound, it's just my brain trying to escape again. Silly brain... you couldn't get away during the meadow scene, so you're certainly not going to manage it now. Settle down and let's get this over with.

Edward then vows that he'll never leave again, and that Victoria will die for trying to make Tender Vittles out of Bella. Unfortunately, there's only a chapter left for him to accomplish this in, so... he doesn't. I guess that's supposed to be the big hook for the next installment, but for now it's just further proof that Shmeyer can't write anything close to a critical scene without first dancing around in big, poorly-worded circles for several hundred pages.

In the last chapter. Bella calls a little pow-wow with the Cullen clan, concerning the Volturi's threat to check in and snarfle her if she's still human. The majority votes to turn her, but Edward throws a hissy until she agrees to wait until after her high school graduation. Later, Edward makes blackmail romantic by offering to turn Bella himself if she'll marry him.

My only note for the rest of the chapter reads 'together forever'. I can't remember specifically what that refers to, but my guess is that my brain wiped itself overnight to stave off life in a padded cell just a bit longer, and I'm not one to thank my own mind so shabbily as to read the chapter again. You're welcome, brain.

Finally, the epilogue-- Bella goes back to school, as do Edward and Alice. The Cullens somehow explain why they've abruptly moved back to where they abruptly left so recently, and it's waved off without much to-do. Bella is sickeningly happy with her re-instated loverboy--even if her father isn't--but she secretly keeps trying to get a hold of Jacob, who's also rather un-ecstatic about Edward's return. In fact, Jake is in such a snit that he drops off Bella's motorcycle for Charlie to find and subsequently have a cow over. Bella--with Eddie in tow as supporting wet-blanket--confronts Jacob in the woods, and he reminds Ed that the Sucky Mythical-Creature Treaty is broken if a human is bitten. With that damper put on Bella's tidy post-graduation plans, Jacob informs her that they can't be BFFs anymore before running off to continue not wearing a shirt.

The book ends with Bella friendless and grounded for life without parole, but she has Edward, and that seems to be enough for her.

BELLA'S TEAM: Eddie-kins 4 evah. Oh, joy.

OUR TEAM: Chuck that, the book is done! Over! Finished! Read to the end, thrown across the room, and then bricked up in a dark, damp corner where it can never hurt anyone ever again! Well, one copy at least. Stay tuned for closing thoughts...

Chapters 19-21: Eurotrip

Alice and Bella hop a plane to Italy, and as flights to Italy tend to be long, we're treated to the better part of a chapter's worth of talk. Most of it involves the Volturi, and we learn that they basically function as the grand high enforcers of vamp-culture, with the only rule being to keep the existence of vampires a secret. Aside from exposition, the chapter is conveniently full of Alice's handy-dandy visions, so we get to keep tabs on Edward whether we like it or not. According to Alice, Edward is going to ask the Volturi to kill him, they're going to tell him no, and he's going to have to resort to Plan 9 from Outer Sp-- I mean, Plan B, which is to royally piss them off.

While Bella is whinging and being put upon, Alice says she thinks that everyone's being ridiculous, and she might just turn Bella vampy herself to get it over with. This works as the proverbial carrot in front of the utter ass that we all know as Bella, who brings renewed enthusiasm to the rescue effort. She and Alice get off the plane, then steal a Porsche and drive to what is essentially the Volturi Vatican City (called 'Volterra'-- oh, Shmeyer, you're just too clever for us).

Because nothing in Bella's life can go down without the most minor of inconveniences, a festival slows the mission down in Volterra. Last we've heard from Alice's visions, Edward is planning to walk out into the sun at noon, thus exposing the existence of vampires (or at the very least, body glitter) and invoking the wrath of the Volturi. Bella arrives in the main square a few minutes before noon, spots Edward across the crowd, and in what is presumably the climax of the book she arduously slogs her way through a bunch of people to stop him from getting himself killed. Suffice it to say, I don't think I can properly communicate how non-climatically the whole effort reads.

Bella stops Edward just in time (surprise, surprise), but not before he attracts the attention of two of the Volturi guard, who proceed to make trouble until one of the actual Volturi shows up and drags everyone off through some sewer tunnels to an undisclosed location.

They end up in the Volturi court, where they meet Aro, an extremely old--and rather twee--vampire who takes a particular interest in Bella. Through a brief series of tests, it turns out that Bella is not only immune to Edward's psychic 'gift', but also to the gifts of all other vampires, further reminding us that she's the MOST damned special person in the whole wide Shmeyerverse.

After Aro and the other Volturi elders confer, they decide that really the only problem is Bella, who knows about vampires and therefore must be disposed of or else become a vampire herself. Edward is still quite angsty and conflicted about the whole thing, but Alice convinces Aro that she intends to turn Bella eventually, and they're all allowed to go free after all. However, Aro advises them that the Volturi will be checking in at some point to ensure that the deed is done, OR ELSE.

Wait... was THAT supposed to be the climax? It's so hard to tell.

Anyway, as they're leaving, they pass an incoming 'tour group' of people for the Volturi to snack on, and Bella is wildly traumatized.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE:

1. If you live in the Shmeyerverse and you're motivated by love, grand theft auto has no consequences.

2. Actual, physical fights don't happen in the Shmeyerverse. Neither do climactic events.

BELLA'S TEAM: Edward.

OUR TEAM: Team Trampled by Tourists, Team Interpol, Team Tying Up Loose Ends, Team Free Scenic Tours of Volterra for People Named Bella... take your pick.

Chapters 16-18: Things Are Looking Increasingly Sparkly

Right then, toasties. On with the awful.

Bella gets saved in the nick of time by Jacob, but she's disappointed to find that he isn't Edward. He takes her back to the house to recuperate, where she falls asleep on the couch and dreams of Romeo and Juliet, and Paris, that guy no one cared about in Romeo and Juliet. This gets her contemplating giving up on her bedazzled dreamboat and just settling for Jacob. When Jake drives her home, they have a brief, awkward moment in the car before he smells vampire, and Bella notices the Mr. Dr. Cullen-mobile in front of her house. She argues with him and assures him it's okay, but he just angrily tells her not to get killed and runs off into the forest.

Bella opens the door to find Alice, who came to find her after having a vision of the cliff-diving incident. She's surprised--and slightly annoyed--but relieved to find Bella alive. Bella quickly fills her in about the Victoria problem and how Jake's a werewolf, then after getting her sufficiently concerned, she begs Alice to stay and hyperventilates until she agrees.

The next day, Alice has to 'step out for a moment' when Jacob comes over to grill Bella about whether the Cullens are coming back. He calms down and almost kisses Bella, but they're interrupted by the phone ringing. Alice then comes in looking distraught and says 'Edward', causing Bella to faint. Once she's revived, it's disclosed that Edward thinks she's dead, and is now going to Italy to get himself killed by the Volturi, those afore-mentioned royal-ish vamps. Despite Jacob's protests, Alice and Bella run off on a rescue mission.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE:

Hmm... nope, that's about it.

BELLA'S TEAM: Team Save the Edward.

OUR TEAM: Team Violent, Drunken Football Hooligans. Alice and Bella are going to have to travel across Europe, and I'm willing to bet they don't know what the Manchester United song is...

Chapters 13-15: Spring Break Shark Attack!

... If only.

I'm tired of this book, and that really needs no introduction. Let's go.

Bella hurries over to La Push to warn Jacob that people are trying to kill him and his werewolf posse, and to ask him if he and his werewolf posse been killing people. Jacob assures her that vampires are the ones who have been killing people, and that the werewolves have only been killing vampires. Bella approves.

Jacob then calls a meeting of the gang, basically by using his feelings. The boys show up and aren't very happy about Bella being around (No Girls Allowed! It says it right on our clubhouse, dude!). One of them, a 'Paul', gets so huffy that he and Jacob throw down and have a wolf-fight right there, more for our benefit than anyone else's (... they're werewolves, did you notice? Did you?). Sam tells the others to take Bella to his fiancee Emily's house while he tries to break up the kerfuffle.

They head over to Emily's, and Sam, Jake, and Pissy Paul show up soon after. The gang quickly turns out to be one big happy family, all giving off that same vague likableness as Jacob, at least compared to every other character in this damned series. Jake explains that their now-arch-nemesis Victoria is after Bella, which earns our hated heroine a security detail.

Bella spends pretty much all of her spring break (which it conveniently is, at this point in the story) in La Push. Jacob and the gang are still off hunting Victoria most of the time, so the majority of Chapter 15 is devoted to Bella brooding about boys, and Jake's safety (but mostly boys). Jacob gets a day off and promises to finally take Bella cliff-diving, but they get a hot lead on Victoria, and he has to skive off to try to save the day. Bella decides to take herself cliff-diving, and the chapter ends with her starting to drown, then hallucinating about Edward, then continuing to drown.

Spoiler alert--She doesn't drown after all. What a tease.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE:

1. Jake's friend Quil may or may not turn into a werewolf, but there's been much discussion about it. MUCH discussion. In fact, if he doesn't have some sort of absolutely ridiculous crisis soon, it's going to be a real letdown.

2. Werewolves don't REALLY turn at the full moon, you historically- and mythologically-accurate nerds. They turn when they get angry or upset and can't calm themselves down... Hulk rules, basically, but with fur instead of verdancy.

3. Werewolves also have higher temperatures than normal people, so they don't like wearing shirts.

4. Bella spends a lot of time 'not being able to breathe'.

BELLA'S TEAM: Team Jacob, but then she went all Team Edward toward the end there.

OUR TEAM: Team Drown. Drown you poorly-conceived, chagrin-filled, soul-sucking wench! DROWN! Sigh... it's hopeless, isn't it?

Chapters 10-12: In Which Our Super-Sleuth Sockling Unravels a Not-So-Mysterious Mystery

Good news, toasties-- we've reached double-digit chapters. I think this also means we're halfway through, but I'm increasingly convinced that this book is interminable.

After making herself a complete bother results in no more information about Jacob's mystery {COUGH sputter hack} condition, Bella's back to the internet to find out what's wrong. This time, though, Shmeyer put off the moment of realization for later, so even her brilliant little Bella still can't figure it out. She leaves Jacob--and Billy--alone for a week, and we're treated to another abrupt spiral into pitiful, pining despair. Her ridiculousness just worsens when she finds out that Jake's all better but is out with friends other than her, which she takes as conclusive evidence that he just doesn't care anymore.

After more brooding than I ever care to remember, she decides to try to find the meadow herself, and wouldn't you know it, she succeeds. Upon realizing that the meadow is just one more disappointment, though, she assumes the fetal position and starts hyperventilating (NOTE: I've read ahead. Get used this reaction). Laurent, of all people--or rather, vampires--shows up, and after giving off overt serial-killer vibes throughout an over-long conversation, he tells Bella that Victoria sent him to find her. Victoria wants revenge for the Hunting and Subsequent Ripping-Up and Burning of James Affair from the first book, but Laurent informs Bella that he's rather thirsty, so he's going to eat her instead, Victoria's wrath be damned. Luckily and conveniently for Bella, a pack of giant wolves show up and chase Laurent off into the woods. Bella trips her way back home, tells Charlie that the bears everyone's been worried about aren't bears (oh yes, everyone's been worried about bears, did I mention?), and heads to bed, where she thinks about how Victoria's coming for her. Oh, by the way--that makes her hyperventilate again.

A few more days go by, and still no word from Jacob. Bella mopes increasingly. In one of her fits of sanctimonious victimhood, she tells herself (and therefore us, le sigh) that he's safer if she just stays away anyway. However, she suddenly remembers the Sam Uley gang and quickly decides that Sam and company have gotten a hold of Jacob, and that she's going to rescue him. She heads to La Push and finds Jacob, but sure enough, he's with his new posse--and quite hostile, to boot. After receiving a less-than-warm welcome, Bella argues with Jacob for a while, at which point he goes all sulky-sensitive and tells Bella he's not good enough to be her friend anymore, runs into his house, and pulls all the shades closed.

Later that night, while Bella's trying to sleep, she hears a-scratching at her window. Assuming it's Victoria coming to get her, Bella very nearly drops dead of her own terrified accord, but it turns out to be Jacob coming to apologize. They talk briefly about something being wrong with Jake, and Bella utterly fails to deduce what it could be. After Jake leaves, Bella has a dream in which he turns into one of the wolves who snuffed Laurent. Mystery solved. Who knew dreams could be so literal? Next person to have a dream about curing cancer wins at life.

Bella wakes up to the news that a reward is being offered for shooting giant wolves, which distresses her greatly for a page or two. We're then left with her pondering whether werewolves are bad people.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE:

...Jacob's a werewolf.

BELLA'S TEAM: Increasingly Jake-y.

OUR TEAM: Team Oxygen Deprivation. Too much hyperventilation is bad for you... and for your character development, incidentally.

Mmmmm... posty.

Happy Thanksgiving, toasties! The time has come to fill up on tasty foods, instead of terrible literature. In this sweet, sweet intermission between bouts of awfulness, I have a few announcements.

First off, I'm now a shiny new art school graduate. I somehow managed to scrape a BFA out of my rather convoluted and erratic college experience, and I'm prepared to bonk heads with it! That means you, Shmeyer-- God forbid you try any funny business with illustrations, because I have an official piece o' fancy paper that says I know things about that!

On a not entirely unrelated note--and you'll find out more about that later--I'm going to be changing the blog around a bit after this horrid long haul through New Moon is over. I'm completely blurding weary of trying to write anything clever after having my poor, shriveled psyche sucked dry by bad, butchered-mythical-creature romance novels. Not to worry though, an-Twi friends (heh, see what I did there)--I'll still be reading and subsequently mocking bad bookage. However, the literary scope is going to be widening a bit to accommodate a variety of debatably overrated literature, such as those classics we keep being told are oh-so-esoteric, and therefore great. It also won't be just commentary anymore... but that's a surprise.

Anyway, more to come on all that toward the end of New Moon. Assuming the damned book ends--there is a physical end, but we don't seem to be getting any closer to it--I'll be posting soon on all the impending changes, along with the possibility of a site move and a re-naming contest.

In the meantime, toast long and prosper!

... oh, and go eat some pie.

Chapters 7-9: The Promise of Change is Just Another Aneurysm for the Reader

As of the end of Chapter 6, Bella was feeling just a touch more reasonable than we've ever seen her, and her life was fraught with the theme of New Beginnings. She was interacting with actual people, and her prospective boy-toy wasn't completely dreadful. Could it be? Is our soggy little sockling finally becoming-- dare I say it-- well-adjusted? Oh, of course not!

Very soon into Chapter 7, Bella goes a bit mental and poorly rationalizes her way over to the Cullen house. She spends several pages expounding on how dark and depressing it looks, and she laments not being able to hear Edward's voice just by looking at his dark, depressing house.

She's quickly back to Jacob, though, calling his company a 'fix' and acknowledging how much healthier she feels around him (wait... is he her personal brand of heroin now?). They spend most of their time together, as Jacob fixes up the bikes and Bella does what she does best (in other words, nothing). In an effort to hide her motorcycle-based reckless intent from her father (and to keep up those good-student appearances Shmeyer keeps telling us about) Bella and Jacob start doing their homework occasionally. Also, now that Bella has remembered yet again that she has school friends, Angela and Mike are being friendly... in Mike's case, very, very friendly.

Despite homework getting in the way, the motorcycles finally get fixed up, and it's time to tease us one again with the sort of mild peril that is certain to only damage Bella a teensy-weensy bit. Jacob takes Bella out toward the sea cliffs for a bike lesson, and on the way they observe some of the locals 'cliff diving'-- that is to say, diving off cliffs. Bella, increasingly eager to damage herself a teensy-weensy bit, insists that Jacob takes her cliff diving sometime. Instead of saying, 'No, Bella, you suck at life and all things related to basic functioning, and you will only get yourself thoroughly splatted,' Jacob launches into a lengthy, somewhat-related exposition about Sam Uley and his 'La Push gang'. It seems Sam and a few of his mates have set themselves up as a sort of 'peacekeeper' group and are even recognized by the reservation council as being stand-up dudes. They're generally respected around La Push, but Jacob thinks they're sketchy as can be.

The bike riding finally happens, and wouldn't you know it, Bella hurts herself. A lot. She doesn't mind a bit, though, because she keeps hearing Ed's voice again, telling her to stop being an idiot and getting herself injured--which, of course, makes her continue to be an idiot and get herself injured.

After several ER visits, the bike riding is put aside for awhile. Bella doesn't want Charlie getting wise to her wanton disregard for her physical limitations (which are, to be sure, extensive), but she mostly wants to hunt for that horrible meadow where so many pages of the first book were frittered away in oozy, author-indulgent bliss. Oh, joy.

In the meantime, Mike continues to be very friendly. Bella finally agrees to go to a movie with him, but quickly makes it a group event and invites several other friends, including Jacob. When movie night rolls around, everyone calls up sick expect Mike and Jacob, so Bella spends a fun-filled evening with the two vying for her affection in strange, cat-fighty ways that most boys outside the Shmeyerverse wouldn't bother with. Mike, however, ends up sick himself, and spends most of the movie in the loo, while Bella and Jacob have a lovely, long-winded conversation about how she likes him, but isn't 'in like' with him (for the record, though, he is SO her BFF, like, for realzies).

Jacob drops Bella off at home (they may or may not have taken care of Mike... I don't remember) and tells her that she can always count on him and a few other, similar things. Later that night they both end up getting sick, but Bella gets over her own little stomach flu fairly quickly and calls to check on Jacob. Billy answers the phone and informs her that Jacob has something other than the stomach flu, and that she absolutely should not come over to visit until they let her know he's all better. It's all very questionable. Now, let's pretend we all live under rocks and have never seen or heard anything that has to do with New Moon. It'll make it more special.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE:

1. Jacob mentions that his friend Embry has ditched him for the Sam Uley Bunch. He adds that guys around his age have been missing long periods of school, then upon showing up again are acting strangely and hanging around with Sam and the gang. That couldn't happen to anyone we know, though, right?

2. Jacob takes off his entire shirt to stanch one of Bella's biking boo-boos. As far as we know, he still hasn't put it back on.

BELLA'S TEAM: Jacob.

OUR TEAM: Motorcycles+trees. Honorable mentions go to Team Stomach Flu and Team Shirt. On the other hand, Team Live Under a Rock is sounding better all the time.

Buttered Post

Well toasties, I've taken a short respite from reading a certain accursed book. Instead, I've been thinking (they simply can't be done at the same time, you see).

While writing a blog on someone else's awful writing, I've been having a bit of trouble balancing technically proper writing with smooth, conversational writing-- let's face it, they're often not the same thing. A casual style makes for better blog-reading, but how could I, in good faith, mock Shmeyer's terrible writing if I myself took liberties with the English language? For that matter, even though Shmeyer's writing is an affront to the senses, who am I to judge whether it's acceptable literature based on its improper use of... well, anything literary?

Here's why: I'm not telling you I write well. Sure, I read a whole walloping lot and I have a very firm grasp of correct grammar and spelling, but guess what? I'm not an English professor. I'm not even a Creative Writing minor. I went to art school for two and a half years, and spent most of them at least a bit sauced.

Although Shmeyer's writing is indefensible rubbish, I think I might be able to forgive her her folly--perhaps even pity her-- if she'd just stop bonking me over the head with her English Literature degree.

Maybe one day I'll be rich and mildly insane enough that I'll decide to go back to school for something classy, then I'll spend my time bonking young people over the head with my degree, too. For the moment, though, I'm still trying to remember what a 'past participle' is, and whether it goes well with cheap tequila.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep writing about Shmeyer's wasted efforts as an author, and I'm going to write as poorly as I damn well please.

Chapters 4-6: And then there was one... one hideously angsty, compulsive idiot named Bella.

Well, I turned the last page of Chapter 3, and instead of Chapter 4, I saw a page with one word:

OCTOBER.

Oh dear. I turn the next three pages. Sure enough, each one has a single word.

NOVEMBER.

DECEMBER.

JANUARY.

Yep. It's simultaneously one of the most clever devices Shmeyer will probably ever use (hardly an accomplishment), and so unblinkingly, unabashedly melodramatic that it makes my intestines seize up in a blind panic to flee my body and get far, far away from this book. That being said, most of the chapters I've read thus far in the Twilight series are superfluous at best, so if only Shmeyer had thought to replace each useless chapter in with one month-page, we might still have a thriving rainforest... but alas, she's up to her old, poorly-worded hijinks after January.

Four months of sweet, sweet nothing are broken by Charlie's threats to send Bella to live with her mother in Jacksonville, on account of she's... well, doing absolutely nothing. Apparently, all we've missed the last four months is Bella moping to the degree that she's gone above and utterly beyond our expectations for her bland character profile, even reaching the elusive point of transcendence past the term 'damp sock'-- she is now as a god in the pantheon of dull laundry descriptors. Our Lady of the Soggy Socks 'n' Undies Load rebuts Charlie's assessment by goading old pal Jessica into going to a movie, but it backfires when she chooses the zombie flick and, in a rare flash of self-awareness, realizes she's more of a drag than the zombies. Later, when she and Jessica are walking down a sketchy street toward their dinner destination, she sees some seedy-looking men standing outside a bar and starts to approach them for no well-articulated reason. Jessica has an absolute cow, but no one really seems to care (including Shmeyer). Finally, Bella stops because she hears Edward's voice in her head, telling her to knock it off. Oh, good... here we thought he'd actually be gone for more than a chapter, but I suppose we should have known better.

Jessica's evening is thoroughly ruined to the point that she may never speak to Bella again, but Bella is much too excited about her little hallucEDnation (heh, see what I did there) to really notice. Later that night she muses to herself (and to us, unfortunately) that, though she knows he's gone, the fact that he exists is what keeps her going. She then resolves to do all sorts of nutty and reckless things so she can hear his voice telling her not to get herself killed. What a healthy outlook she's developing.

At some point before Bella reaches her decision to be dangerous and whatnot, there's a whole swarm of pages devoted to her agonizing over Edward. She's also been having a nightmare about searching the woods, then realizing there's nothing to search for... or something like that.

In her new spirit of danger-driven stupidity, Bella ends up with two broken-down motorcycles. She remembers that Jacob Black is a fair mechanic (and, y'know, exists), so she takes the bikes over to him. He's just glad to see her, so he agrees to fix the bikes up for free. Good student that Shmeyer keeps telling us she is, Bella insists on using her college fund to pay for any new parts needed, and the two set out on a magical motorcycle-building adventure.

Bella starts spending a lot of time with Jacob, watching him work on the bikes. Jacob is optimistic, friendly, and easy to talk to-- in other words, lots of nice, healthy things that Edward is not. Being around Jake cheers Bella up, and rather abruptly, given that we've just been treated to a nonstop three-chapter whinge about how Ed's gone and her life is over. At any rate, Chapter 6 ends with Bella in relatively high spirits.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE

1. Bella meets Jacob's two best friends. They're named Quil and Embry. They don't like their names. They'll probably come up a lot.

2. Bella stops having her little nightmare once she starts hanging out with Jacob, but a few nights later she has it again, this time with Sam Uley lurking around and seemingly changing shape in her peripheral vision.

3. Bella starts interacting with her school friends again.

4. People keep mentioning sightings of a big, bear-like creature in the woods... so many times, in fact, that I feel a bit as if Shmeyer has been beating me over the head with a big, bear-like creature while screaming, 'Notice me!'

GOOD NEWS: Um, well... we're six chapters further along than we were at the outset.

BAD NEWS: It's still New Moon--wait, why did I even bother to make Good News/Bad News a thing? We all know there's really no good news to be had in this situation. Let's try something else:

BELLA'S TEAM: Jacob.

OUR TEAM: February. March. April.

Chapters 1-3: Worse-Case Scenarios, and the Beginning of the Downhill Tumble

Here we go, toasties-- it's New Moon time. Brace yourselves, then let's jump in and allow the instant sarcasm wash over us like a tidal wave of crushed literary hopes and dreams.

The whole shebang starts with Bella having a dream (odds bodkins, this feels familiar), in which she is a crusty old bat, while Edward is still... well, Edward, the sparkling teenaged wanker who kisses her cheek and wishes her happy birthday. She awakes in a dither and remembers that it is in fact her birthday, and the dream quite expressed how she feels about turning old as dirt... or rather, 18. She spends the day in a special-occasion snit, being rude to everyone who mentions the 'black event' (her birthday, not the Million Man March) and only agreeing to go to the Cullen's for a party after much smoldering and vampy coercion courtesy of Edward and Alice. Bella manages to stave off the festivities til evening by insisting that she and Edward have to watch Romeo and Juliet for class first, which smacks loudly of foreshadowing.

Evening rolls around and everyone heads over to the Cullen house, which is very pinkly-decorated for the occasion. Bella, however, can't seem to go anywhere without manufacturing a crisis, ad she gets a bloody little boo-boo while opening a present. Jasper goes blood-crazy and slams into Edward, who has jumped protectively in front of Bella, who goes flying into the spread; the whole bit plays out rather like a perverse (and probably, quite entertaining) game of dirty croquet. Bella ends up a bleeding, glass-covered mess, so Jasper is quickly bundled out of the house, accompanied by the rest of the family, and Bella gets to cap off her fun-filled birthday evening with Mr. Dr. Cullen plucking glass out of her wounds and stitching her up sans anesthetic.

As we discovered in the first book, Edward and Bella each have their own strikingly poor ways of handling crises, and this chapter doesn't disappoint (or rather, it does... but that's hardly a surprise). The next day at school--and the days following-- Edward is aloof to the point that Bella agonizes over his behavior and even hyperventilates on her way to work one afternoon. She compulsively (conveniently, even) takes up her parents' birthday presents-- a camera and a scrapbook-- and starts obsessively documenting Forks, particularly the Edward-y parts. Soon after Bella starts her somewhat stalker-ish new hobby, though, Edward breaks the rather abrupt news that he and his family are leaving Forks to start over elsewhere, and Bella will never ever see him again. He makes her promise not to do anything reckless, plants a smooch on her forehead, and bolts away into the woods before Bella quite knows what's hit her. Always the stoic, she reacts by stumbling pitifully through the woods for hours in a blind bid to feel she's being productive, eventually slopping down against an unfamiliar tree, with nightfall and rain thrown in for extra oomph.

She's eventually found by a search party that includes Charlie, who takes her to a hitherto-unmentioned doctor (because for Bella, a doctor a day keeps the... hm, well, nevermind). While pretending to sleep after her checkup, she overhears the doctor and Charlie discussing the Cullen family's sudden disappearance, chalking it up to a very sudden job offer. They muse over the mystery of the whole thing without giving any more information at all, so Bella loses interest shortly after we do and stops narrating about it, thank heaven.

When Bella finally arrives back home, she finds that Edward has rooted through her room and removed all the pictures she took of him (not to mention the totally sweet mix-CD he made her) in an effort to remove all traces of himself from her life. Sigh... let the angst begin.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE

1. While watching Romeo and Juliet, Edward muses about vampire suicide, and how he was contemplating it during the Bella-damaging affairs of the first book. As I said... foreshadowing? Smackety smack.

2. Edward mentions the Volturi, whom he describes as being sort of like the vamp-version of the Royal family. They also happen to be the vampires Mr. Dr. Cullen stayed with in Italy all those years ago. I'm guessing they're important.

3. While stitching Bella up, the good Mr. Dr. tells her that Edward believes vampires have lost their souls, and therefore thinks that to turn Bella would be to snarfle her soul into oblivion.

4. As one of her birthday presents, the Cullens give Bella plane tickets to Jacksonville so she and Edward can visit Bella's mum. Now that Ed's gone and Bella's pouting, the fate of the plane tickets is unknown.

5. Of the search party that goes looking for Bella, several are men from the reservation. The one who actually finds her is named Sam Uley. He comes up later.

GOOD NEWS-- Edward's gone, and he's taken the dazzle with him.

BAD NEWS-- The book is from Bella's point of view.