Mr. Pither Comes to Visit/Pithku

The crew's been on something of a crossword kick, to the point that we've started trying to make our own.  Pither got to brainstorming on the fridge, aided occasionally by F-Gumps, and the result was a greater pile o' poetry than any drunken lyricism can contend with--thus far. 

Haiku 1-- On the Subject of Relationships

Haiku 2-- On the Subject of Sharing

Haiku 3-- On the Subject of Bodily Functions

... Sounds like someone didn't avoid those drunk drunkard ladies.

Mr. Pither Comes to Visit/Sketti Tacos

We at Toast Patrol HQ love us some young-adult television programming-- such as iCarly, a show that features delightful hijinks and a whimsical dish known as Spaghetti Tacos.  In the spirit of inquiry--and a moment of hunger--we tried making our own.  You can find the recipe over here at my food blog.  Go!  Go now!

Mr. Pither Comes to Visit/Drunken Haiku

Esteemed contributor Pither is visiting me and F-Gumpty for two fun-filled weeks of shenanigans.  On a largely related note, the combination of the Toast Patrol crowd, alcohol, and a fridge-faceful of Shakespearean magnetic poetry pieces resulted in a new segment: Drunken Haiku!

The rules are simple--do a few shots, then construct a meaningful expression in the 5-7-5 syllabic pattern without plundering any existing fridge-poems for words.

See?  Literary.

Haiku 1:  In which hos are given precedence over bros

Haiku 2: In which hos exhibit bro-like qualities

Haiku 3: In which hos cannot handle their libations, and have subsequently misbehaved 

With the Toast Patrol assembled, look for plenty of toasty content over the next two weeks.  In the meantime... beware those drunk drunkard ladies.

Blog New.0

For anyone who's been actively following posts for the last month or two (I know you're out there... show yourself!), I need hardly mention that (a) I haven't been posting much, and (b) the blog has been in a rather awkward, almost pubescent phase.  Well, no longer!  I give you the new and improved, extra-super-toasty Blog 2.0-- The Insomniac Book Club!

As the title implies, I'll still be focusing largely on literature, and my unbiased [aHEM hack cough splutter] opinions on the matter.  However, all books and no play make the Impster a cranky, muttering, ankle-gnawing hermit, so I'll also be writing about whatever I damn well please (like dinosaurs in rocketships).  What's really important, though, is that now the blog comes with pretty pictures!

...Well, pictures, anyway.

To kick things off, I'll introduce myself a bit better, so you can all rest assured that you're in good [Cough] hands.  This is me.

This is a more accurate representation of me.

I'm a recent college graduate who still can't decide what I want to be when I grow up (IF I grow up, which seems increasingly unlikely).  My shelves are full of classic literature, comics, vinyl toys, and ridiculous hats.  I like good books and bad movies.  Like all right-thinking people, I love bacon.  I'm allergic to gluten, but I love cupcakes, pies, and cinnamon buns.

As you might have noticed, I also love toast, but I have a complex relationship with my toaster.  My toaster is possessed, you see.  It behaves itself well enough most of the time so I'll let my guard down, but I'm on to it.

On a not-entirely-unrelated note, I spend a great deal of time yelling at inanimate objects.  This is because I know that all of my household appliances are conspiring to make my life difficult.  It may sound paranoid, but look at the evidence in your own life.  It's a perfectly reasonable conclusion.

I also love plants.  I have two, with more on the way.  Generally speaking, I find houseplants to be more trustworthy than appliances, but the patch of sunlight they're currently sitting in is right next to a mini-fridge, and mini-fridges are notoriously charismatic.  I'm keeping tabs on the situation as best as I can.

I may or may not also give plants silly names like 'Jefferson Aeroplant'.

Enough about me, though.  There will be plenty of time to trod out my little quirks and Batman-themed clothing in later anecdotes, where they'll probably be absolutely necessary to explain myself.

If you're new to the blog and feel like browsing some archives, feel free, but be warned that you're entering a pictureless world of great sadness.  The only books dealt with up 'til now are the first two Twilight books--which, incidentally, I highly recommend NOT reading.  If a painstaking, chapter-by-chapter descent into madness is your thing, then archive on.  Otherwise, I recommend 'Lessons From the Shmeyerverse' for a brief, mocking foray into Twilight's content, or any of the Toast Patrol segments for a laugh.

Since illustrating posts (in lieu of getting tipsy and pulling them out of my bum) takes time, and I have to go to my job so I can live in an apartment and put bacon in my tummy, posts will be somewhat less frequent... but totally more PICTURE-RIFIC.  I think getting to use awesome suffixes is worth it.

In the meantime, read safely (I'm looking at you, aspiring speed-readers!), and make good literary decisions.  Don't make my mistakes.

Super Magical Book-Getting Card, Away!

Since graduating, I've realized my need to move beyond my own moderately-sized bookshelf, which is full of books I've read seven times, and my school library, which is full of little else but long-winded art history books written mostly in German.  As such, I've obtained a public library card.

This bodes well for the 'at least 51% literary' content.

Blog Puberty

Pardon me for not posting in a while. The blog is going through... changes.

There probably still won't be many posts for a bit, but in the meantime, the ol' blarg will start to look different and probably start going by a different name. The format will also be diff-- I mean, NEW AND EXHILARATING. Content will stay mostly literary in nature (for those of you willing to quote me on that later, I would like to point out that 51% still constitutes mostliness).

The frequency of future posts is, at this point, up in the air-- I need a new job, so the getting of said possible job, the hours, and the type of work will have a significant impact on both the amount of posting and the sanity of the author. The new stuff will also take longer to produce, but should be much more awesome in every way.

Keep an eye out, because I'll be back and postin' toasty soon enough. For now, however, I'm going to go back to sitting in front of the door and waiting for my Little Big Planet 2 Collector's Edition box to come in the mail.

... I did say only mostly literary, didn't I?

The Top 20 Toasty Tidbits of 2010

Seasoned greetings, toastyreaders! To celebrate the figurative death of the year, the Toast Patrol crew has scoured our patrols thus far, and with our toasty powers combined we bring you the absolute toastiest of 2010.

And heeeeeeeeere they are:

20. 'Flronmpy'

19. The Japanese rubber-suit monster hair of 'Edward Pattinson'

18. Ralph McPukeface looks into the evil gun-hole

17. imp.toast demands Bella be a moose

16. Pither's server isn't serving

15. Spherical Twi-fan Romeo longs for Little Debbie

14. Forrest Gumption uses the worn their

13. Twi-fans feed their blanket a Subway sandwich and a non-believer

12. Bella is clearly a sweater

11. UPS wreck + tux + sewing machine = best prom ever

10. Aunt Mepple meets the guys

9. Jabba vs Unicorn Murderer

8. Forrest Gumption just sees a Reese's cup of depression

7. In a snit over the Harry Potter franchise, Rob Pattinson won't come down from the tree

6. The toastygang is neither fattist nor fattest

5. Eddie Pee-Pants holds back the rest of the class

4. A better franchise, off in the distance

3. Sewing machines are winning the arms race

2. Floor pie > sky pie > mud pie... therefore, 'not skittles'

1. Twi-fans are a threat to children and family games everywhere

Don't see your favorite bit of toast? Tell the world with a comment! Until then, we'll consider this an affirmation of our collective sense of humor. Happy 2011, everyone!