Chapters 16-18: Things Are Looking Increasingly Sparkly

Right then, toasties. On with the awful.

Bella gets saved in the nick of time by Jacob, but she's disappointed to find that he isn't Edward. He takes her back to the house to recuperate, where she falls asleep on the couch and dreams of Romeo and Juliet, and Paris, that guy no one cared about in Romeo and Juliet. This gets her contemplating giving up on her bedazzled dreamboat and just settling for Jacob. When Jake drives her home, they have a brief, awkward moment in the car before he smells vampire, and Bella notices the Mr. Dr. Cullen-mobile in front of her house. She argues with him and assures him it's okay, but he just angrily tells her not to get killed and runs off into the forest.

Bella opens the door to find Alice, who came to find her after having a vision of the cliff-diving incident. She's surprised--and slightly annoyed--but relieved to find Bella alive. Bella quickly fills her in about the Victoria problem and how Jake's a werewolf, then after getting her sufficiently concerned, she begs Alice to stay and hyperventilates until she agrees.

The next day, Alice has to 'step out for a moment' when Jacob comes over to grill Bella about whether the Cullens are coming back. He calms down and almost kisses Bella, but they're interrupted by the phone ringing. Alice then comes in looking distraught and says 'Edward', causing Bella to faint. Once she's revived, it's disclosed that Edward thinks she's dead, and is now going to Italy to get himself killed by the Volturi, those afore-mentioned royal-ish vamps. Despite Jacob's protests, Alice and Bella run off on a rescue mission.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE:

Hmm... nope, that's about it.

BELLA'S TEAM: Team Save the Edward.

OUR TEAM: Team Violent, Drunken Football Hooligans. Alice and Bella are going to have to travel across Europe, and I'm willing to bet they don't know what the Manchester United song is...

Chapters 1-3: Worse-Case Scenarios, and the Beginning of the Downhill Tumble

Here we go, toasties-- it's New Moon time. Brace yourselves, then let's jump in and allow the instant sarcasm wash over us like a tidal wave of crushed literary hopes and dreams.

The whole shebang starts with Bella having a dream (odds bodkins, this feels familiar), in which she is a crusty old bat, while Edward is still... well, Edward, the sparkling teenaged wanker who kisses her cheek and wishes her happy birthday. She awakes in a dither and remembers that it is in fact her birthday, and the dream quite expressed how she feels about turning old as dirt... or rather, 18. She spends the day in a special-occasion snit, being rude to everyone who mentions the 'black event' (her birthday, not the Million Man March) and only agreeing to go to the Cullen's for a party after much smoldering and vampy coercion courtesy of Edward and Alice. Bella manages to stave off the festivities til evening by insisting that she and Edward have to watch Romeo and Juliet for class first, which smacks loudly of foreshadowing.

Evening rolls around and everyone heads over to the Cullen house, which is very pinkly-decorated for the occasion. Bella, however, can't seem to go anywhere without manufacturing a crisis, ad she gets a bloody little boo-boo while opening a present. Jasper goes blood-crazy and slams into Edward, who has jumped protectively in front of Bella, who goes flying into the spread; the whole bit plays out rather like a perverse (and probably, quite entertaining) game of dirty croquet. Bella ends up a bleeding, glass-covered mess, so Jasper is quickly bundled out of the house, accompanied by the rest of the family, and Bella gets to cap off her fun-filled birthday evening with Mr. Dr. Cullen plucking glass out of her wounds and stitching her up sans anesthetic.

As we discovered in the first book, Edward and Bella each have their own strikingly poor ways of handling crises, and this chapter doesn't disappoint (or rather, it does... but that's hardly a surprise). The next day at school--and the days following-- Edward is aloof to the point that Bella agonizes over his behavior and even hyperventilates on her way to work one afternoon. She compulsively (conveniently, even) takes up her parents' birthday presents-- a camera and a scrapbook-- and starts obsessively documenting Forks, particularly the Edward-y parts. Soon after Bella starts her somewhat stalker-ish new hobby, though, Edward breaks the rather abrupt news that he and his family are leaving Forks to start over elsewhere, and Bella will never ever see him again. He makes her promise not to do anything reckless, plants a smooch on her forehead, and bolts away into the woods before Bella quite knows what's hit her. Always the stoic, she reacts by stumbling pitifully through the woods for hours in a blind bid to feel she's being productive, eventually slopping down against an unfamiliar tree, with nightfall and rain thrown in for extra oomph.

She's eventually found by a search party that includes Charlie, who takes her to a hitherto-unmentioned doctor (because for Bella, a doctor a day keeps the... hm, well, nevermind). While pretending to sleep after her checkup, she overhears the doctor and Charlie discussing the Cullen family's sudden disappearance, chalking it up to a very sudden job offer. They muse over the mystery of the whole thing without giving any more information at all, so Bella loses interest shortly after we do and stops narrating about it, thank heaven.

When Bella finally arrives back home, she finds that Edward has rooted through her room and removed all the pictures she took of him (not to mention the totally sweet mix-CD he made her) in an effort to remove all traces of himself from her life. Sigh... let the angst begin.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE

1. While watching Romeo and Juliet, Edward muses about vampire suicide, and how he was contemplating it during the Bella-damaging affairs of the first book. As I said... foreshadowing? Smackety smack.

2. Edward mentions the Volturi, whom he describes as being sort of like the vamp-version of the Royal family. They also happen to be the vampires Mr. Dr. Cullen stayed with in Italy all those years ago. I'm guessing they're important.

3. While stitching Bella up, the good Mr. Dr. tells her that Edward believes vampires have lost their souls, and therefore thinks that to turn Bella would be to snarfle her soul into oblivion.

4. As one of her birthday presents, the Cullens give Bella plane tickets to Jacksonville so she and Edward can visit Bella's mum. Now that Ed's gone and Bella's pouting, the fate of the plane tickets is unknown.

5. Of the search party that goes looking for Bella, several are men from the reservation. The one who actually finds her is named Sam Uley. He comes up later.

GOOD NEWS-- Edward's gone, and he's taken the dazzle with him.

BAD NEWS-- The book is from Bella's point of view.

Chapter Twenty-Three (In which not many pages are spent giving not much information, and the book lets us down even harder than we thought it would)

We've finally found it-- the shortest chapter in the whole sodding book. That being said, it's not terribly informative, and it reads as if Shmeyer suddenly remembered she had a pint of ice cream waiting in the fridge and thus couldn't be bothered to properly tell us what happened in the mirror room.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter kicks off with Bella assuring herself that she must be dead, because she hears an angel. The 'angel' turns out to be Edward--painfully obvious, since we're (unwillingly) in the Shmeyerverse, and thus Edward is the only being who could ever merit a word like 'angel', as he has so many times in this book already. Not only is the bit wildly unnecessary, it reads like the worst of pick-up lines. At any rate, as Bella comes to, she hears Edward flipping his sparkly lid as Mr. Dr. Cullen assesses her injuries-- a broken leg here, some cracked ribs there--and they finally notice she's been bitten on the hand. Bella whines about her burning boo-boo while Edward and Alice have a nice, angsty spat about what's to be done; Mr. Dr. Cullen interrupts and proposes that Edward try to suck the venom out, which sends Edward into a tizzy of angst and self-doubt. He wastes so much time commenting on his emotional tailspin that you can almost feel a noxious musical number about to happen, but he's yanked back into the thin line of the story by Mr. Dr. Cullen's insistence that he has to act quickly. Edward sucks it up (PUN) and sucks the the venom out of Bella's hand. The burning sensation recedes with it, and Bella passes out in Edward's arms.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Despite his importance leading into the chapter, James is entirely absent--it seems Shmeyer is so astoundingly unable to write a bit of action that she's unceremoniously stricken him from the story, in lieu of writing a coherent narrative. The only allusion to James' part in the whole messy business (presumably) is the passing mention of a faint gasoline smell.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- In short, Edward sucks.

Chapter Twenty-One (or, Nothing Interesting Happens in a Hotel Room, Pt 2)

(Or, Please Oh Please Oh Please Someone Get Me Out of This Hotel Room)

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Still confined to the hotel room, Bella wakes up early again and wanders into the front room for no real reason. There, Alice is sketching a new room from a new vision. Bella recognizes it as a room in her mother's house, prompting Alice to immediately call the good Mr. Dr. and company. Bella hyperventilates for a bit, resisting Jasper's attempts to calm her down-- he's had to so many times over the last three chapters, she seems to have built up a tolerance. Alice hangs up and tells Bella Edward is coming to get her so he can hide her elsewhere, throwing Bella into another rant about how her protection is putting everyone in danger, and that they can't possibly protect everyone she cares about forever (which is debatable, since she's only shown evidence of giving a flaming flip about maybe three people in this book). She storms off to her room and curls up in the fetal position for several hours--yes, the fetal position, for several hours. Shmeyer wrote that. I kid you not. Anyway, Alice's phone rings, and Bella wanders into the front room again because even she can sense that this book isn't going anywhere without its frail, newly-discovered plot. Alice informs her that Ed's plane is landing in a few hours, at which point the phone rings again and everyone acts very surprised. Upon answering, Alice hands Bella the phone, saying it's her mother calling back. Bella answers the phone, and her relief at hearing her mother's voice quickly turns to horror when James gets on and explains how Bella has to somehow get away from Alice and Jasper, go to her mother's house, and call the number he leaves by the phone-- provided that Bella doesn't want something dicey to happen to Mum. After hanging up, Bella sits on her bed, resigning herself to the idea that she has to die with a whirlwind monologue evocative of all the worst bits of angst-ridden high school poetry. She then realizes that she'll also never see Edward again, and the angst-ologue starts anew. Bella returns to the front room and asks Alice if she'll take a letter to Bella's mom's house for her; Alice agrees. Bella then writes a letter to Edward instead, in which her angst reiterates itself, then wallows in its own self-pity before beating itself to death with a sorrowful farewell.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. They're still stuck in the hotel room, did I mention? I'm sure I did, but Shmeyer brings it up so VERY many times that I felt everyone should hear it again. By the way, they're still stuck in a hotel room.

2. After the previous chapter and now this one, I feel as if I'M stuck in a hotel room with Bella, and that's one of the very last places I ever want to be. I'd really like to kill her now. Team James, anyone?

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- not in the chapter once again, so let's modify this section:

INTENSITY OF MY BOREDOM WITH THIS CHAPTER-- aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuughhhhh... {as I claw madly at my own head in a desperate attempt to free my brain from Shmeyer's prose}

Chapter Nineteen (In which the entire Universe changes course to revolve around Bella)

In this chapter, helpless, hopeless, whiny-pining Bella has a plan that actually works. Any credibility or consistency this book has had is quickly leaking out of the holes in the plot.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The Cullens take Bella to her house, where Bella puts her plan into effect by storming around her house flailing and pretending to be mad at Edward. She tells Charlie she can't stay in Forks another minute, packs a bag, and storms out, giving her dad the same line that her mother apparently gave when she left. It has the desired effect, and Charlie stays behind, looking dejected. Bella gets in her truck, where Edward is waiting, and they speed off toward the Cullen's house. Edward confirms that Tracker James is following them away from Charlie's and explains to Bella that the Cullen's attempts to protect her make her a more exciting target (since she hasn't already complained about their protection enough). Emmett and Alice show up, and once the truck gets to the Cullen's, Emmett grabs Bella and runs her into the house 'like a football', presumably so that Shmeyer can remind us once again that she's heard of sports. Inside, the family is waiting with Laurent (remember Laurent?), who goes on for a while about how strong, powerful, and relentless (and sexy, and dreamy, and perfect) James is. Laurent bears the Cullens no ill will, but he doesn't want to fight, so he leaves, warning the Cullens not to underestimate the sparkling studliness that is James. The Cullens quickly work out a plan to sneak Bella out of the house-- Esme switches clothes with Bella to confuse her scent (after Rosalie refuses), then she leaves with Rosalie, along with a hunting party of Mr. Dr. Cullen, Emmett, and Edward. Alice and Jasper hang back and wait to sneak Bella to Phoenix. While they wait, Jasper uses his magical power of feelings and tells Bella that no matter how inadequate she feels, she's worth protecting. Aww.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. During her 'I Can't Stay in Forks Another Minute' rant, Bella says that she doesn't want to get stuck in Forks, so she can't put down any more roots. Not only does Bella hate plants, she's now afraid of becoming one.

2. Edward tells Bella that the way to kill a vampire is to tear it to shreds and burn the pieces. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that's an effect way to kill pretty much everything.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- more in tents than the entirety of the Regional Boy Scout Jamboree at 3 AM.

Chapter Eighteen (In which a plot may be trying to claw its way back from the void Shmeyer has banished it to)

Chapter eighteen--three-quarters of the way through Twilight, at last. I warn you in advance, toastyreaders, this chapter will disappoint you. True, we start to get the faintest inkling of a plot that doesn't involve Ed and Bella's snogging schedule, but we're also teased with the carrot of Bella being in mortal peril. Remember, though, that carrot is nothing but a pointy orange stick of empty promises-- not only does Bella survive the chapter, she survives three more books.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The Cullen crew casually (suspiciously casually?) stops playing ball just when the not-so-surprise vampire visitors arrive. There are three of them, and one steps forward and introduces himself to Mr. Dr. Cullen as Laurent, adding that the others are James and Victoria (two guys and a girl, in case Laurie LeFrenchpants confused you). I mention names and whatnot because these three will probably be important soon enough, and given the rate at which the story has been failing to move along, let's cross our fingers and hope they make some fast trouble. Anyhoo, Mr. Dr. Cullen and Laurent chat a bit, Laurent expresses interest in the Cullens' ability to keep a permanent residence (it would seem vampers are notoriously bad tenants), and Mr. Dr. Cullen invites the newcomers back to the house, after politely asking them not to hunt nearby for fear of blowing their cover. Just as everyone is about to head back to Chateau Cullen, a convenient breeze carries Bella's scent to James, who perks up and starts talking about snacks. Edward gets rather huffy about this, and the boys assume hostile positions and show their teeth in a somewhat-effective display of aggression. Mr. Dr Cullen insists that Bella is with their family (as does big n' beefy Emmett) and Laurent calls James off, recalling that they agreed not to hunt on the Cullens' turf. A few more lines of tension are thrown in for dramatic effect, but everyone still gets to head to the Cullen house. Alice, Emmett, and Edward announce that they're taking Bella back in the Jeep; once they all strap in, though, Bella finds out that they're actually planning to kidnap her and take her far, far away. James is apparently a 'tracker', and through Edward's handy mind-reading shtick, they've determined that he is now going to hunt Bella relentlessly (hoorah!) unless they can take her somewhere he'll never find her (booo). Bella, however, doesn't want to go anywhere. She throws a fit and demands they stop risking their cover for her (which they're really not) and that she can take care of it herself (which she absolutely can't, especially when there are twigs for her to trip over and stairs for her to fall down). When it's mentioned that James is tracking her smell, she realizes that he'll probably start at Charlie's house, where he'll probably kill Charlie. Edward and Alice argue over which of their mostly non-existent plans they should go with, when Bella pipes up with a plan of her own-- she'll go to her house, tell Charlie she's moving back to Phoenix, then leave, leading James awry. No one can come up with anything better, so they decide to go with Bella's plan, after which Alice and Jasper will take her into hiding in Phoenix while Edward and Emmett stay and try to distract James. They change course for Bella's house, while Bella contemplates whether it'd be worse to be taken away from Edward for a few days or be snacked on.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Instead of gold eyes like the Cullens', the newcomers' eyes are burgundy. Snacking on people is apparently the cheap and easy vamp equivalent of buying colored contacts.

2. There's some sort of weird tension through the whole book between Edward and Alice. It's not very well-defined--or written, for that matter--but Shmeyer keeps bringing it up, and in this chapter it causes them to argue a lot. Really, a lot, as in several pages of an uninterrupted Edward-and-Alice bicker-fest.

3. While Bella is describing a particularly sneaky part of her plan, Emmett laughs and calls her 'diabolical'. Bella is clearly a projection of Shmeyer, which means Shmeyer most likely sees herself as being diabolical. I'm starting to suspect--just a bit--that she's doing this to the world on purpose, the fiend.

Chapter Seventeen (in which baseball is more or less played)

Alright, kids... it's time for some vampire baseball. Are you ready? I'm not.

CHAPTER SUMMARY--Edward drives Bella home, but when they arrive at her house, Jacob and Billy Black are waiting on the porch. So, Edward dashes off, leaving Bella to deal with the unexpected guests. She lets Jacob and Billy in, over-emphasizing the fact that Charlie will be home much later in the hopes that they'll leave. However, Billy sends Jacob out to the car on some useless errand, then promptly confronts Bella about her relationship with Edward. In a surprising show of abrasiveness, Bella curtly insists that it's her business, and it's her business whether Charlie knows about her business. Billy reluctantly admits defeat, then comes up with whatever excuse to leave and does so. When Charlie gets home, Bella does eventually get around to telling him she has a date with Edward Cullen, at which point Charlie stages a clearly-affected display of fatherly stuffiness. But, when Edward comes to pick Bella up, he introduces himself and quickly charms the sensibility out of Charlie, as he has with practically every other person in the bleeding book. As soon as Eddie n' Chuck start to get along, though, Bella begins acting as flabbergasted as possible, presumably because the two people whose lives are supposed to revolve around her are having their own conversation. She finally herds Edward out the door, but has second thoughts about the outing when Ed directs her to the 'monster' Jeep he's borrowed from Emmett, and she has third and possibly fourth thoughts when he straps her into the off-roading harness. All that equipment, and they still end up piggy-backing most of the way to a clearing, where the rest of the Cullens are waiting and marking bases a bit too far apart (if you'll recall, they're setting up to play baseball... try to contain your excitement). Bella, who is not a vampire and has spent a good portion of the book so far reminding us that she's too clumsy to have survived to 17, hangs back to watch. She ends up talking to Esme (Ed's 'mom'), who tells her that she's glad Edward has found her, in spite of the fact that she's human. Thunder starts, and so does the game. For anyone who has either lived in hermitage for the past ten years (if you exist, I can hardly blame you) or is otherwise unaware of 'vampire baseball', I'll explain-- vampires hit baseballs so hard that it sounds like thunder (but apparently not hard enough to break the bats and balls) and they have to put the bases very far apart because they hit it so far. Whether or not they play with special heavy-duty equipment isn't addressed; in fact, Shmeyer has so much obvious disdain for all things athletic that she can't seem to write an adequate baseball scene. Luckily for her, the game is quickly interrupted by Alice's sensing of the vampires she foresaw visiting (remember them?). Edward uses his handy mind-reading ability and adds that they heard the game and want to join. After debating whether it's too dangerous to stick around with Bella and whether they could leave before the others show up, they decide to keep casually playing and waiting for the mystery guests.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. After the piggy-back ride, Bella lets go off Edward and plops onto her bum, getting a bit of dirt and a few twigs on her pants. Since these things are plant-related (and we know how Bella feels about plants), she freaks out, causing Edward to laugh. Bella responds by becoming irrationally angry and trying to storm off in the opposite direction, which would get her lost in the woods. In other words, she does everything wrong here.

2. While the Cullens are preparing for the game, Edward runs up to Bella and Esme, 'sparkling with excitement'. Edward seems to have harnessed the power of the sun.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- He has harnessed the power of mighty Helios! Feel the awesome power of his smolder!

Chapter Sixteen (which begins in the 1600's, and ends in despair)

So, remember how I said this chapter might be interesting? It was... for about half a page. See below for the (blessedly) abridged version.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter begins with Edward telling Bella Mr. Dr. Cullen's backstory: the good Mr. Dr. was born in the 1600's, to an overzealous creature-hunting priest of a father. When his father pressed him into carrying on the business, the future Mr. Dr.'s compassion made him more discerning than his dad, who was a bit of an equal-opportunity prick. He eventually found a real coven of vamps, who in turn attacked him. To save himself from the rest of the hunting party, he hid himself for several days, until he discovered he'd turned vampy himself. Deeply distressed by his condition, he tried to kill himself and eventually tried to starve himself, until in his weakened state he attacked some deer and thereby discovered he could survive without killing humans. He integrated back into society and started studying constantly, finding his penance in the world of medicine. He stayed in Italy for a while with some nice, 'cultured' vampires, but they differed over food sources, so he left for the New World. There he grew rather lonely; during the Spanish influenza outbreak, he found Edward and decided to try to save him by turning him. And, of course, the chapter gets very Ed-centric from here on out. It seems Edward became rebellious at some point and left to try people-eating-- only bad people, he assures Bella-- but soon returned to Mr. Dr. Cullen (and now, Esme) and his 'vegetarian' lifestyle. Back to the present-- Edward trails off with his history lesson and tugs Bella through the house to his room, where he shows her his classy decorating and obscenely extensive music collection. While they're snuggling as usual, Alice pokes her head in and says there's a thunderstorm coming, so Emmett wants to play ball. She insists that Edward and Bella both come along, and that presumably brings us to the infamous vampire baseball chapter. Oh, joy.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. To conceal himself from the rest of the vampire-hunting party after being attacked, Mr. Dr. Cullen apparently hid himself in a pile of rotting potatoes for three days. Really, Shmeyer? 1600's London didn't have any better hidey-holes?

2. Edward likes 50's music, hates music from the 60's and 70's, and calls the 80's 'tolerable'. Not only does this make me like him even less, it makes me wonder what he looked like when he was trying to blend in with the 'new wave' crowd.

3. According to the parameters laid out in #2, when asked whether he prefers the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, Edward's answer would be 'NO'. See? Now you hate him, too.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Second only to the intensity of his totally choice 'Flock of Seagulls' haircut.

Chapter Fifteen (which I would refer to as 'Family Matters', but then people might expect humor)

It should be pointed out that, since the meadowy frolics, Edward can't keep his hands off Bella (not to mention his sniffer). Luckily, this is the chapter where he takes her home to meet he fam, so he keeps his hands to himself... mostly.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella wakes up and is ecstatic to find that Edward stayed the whole night--it seems he spent most of the night sitting in the corner, watching her sleep. If I woke up to a guy sitting in my room staring at me, I'm pretty sure my immediate reaction wouldn't be elation, but I must admit I've never been in such a situation and will therefore reserve my judgement. Anyhoo, Edward then shows his sensitivity to Bella's human condition by reminding her to eat breakfast (hear that, twi-tards? Edward likes a lady wif some brekkie in her. Eat some damn cereal!), at which point he asks if she'd like to spend the day meeting his family. She agrees, then spends a good while fussing over her outfit. They finally make it out the door and drive through the woods to his house, which is a very nice house with a very nice outside and some very nice trees and a nice big glass wall. There, Edward introduces Bella to his parents, Carlisle (Mr. Dr. Cullen) and Esme, who are also very nice. Alice (remember Alice?) comes running in and greets Bella enthusiastically. Bella also meets Jasper, whose special vampire power is basically charisma. The other two members of the Cullen crew, Emmett and Rosalie, are noticeably absent--as Edward explains to Bella, Rosalie is paranoid about anyone outside the family knowing the truth, not to mention a bit jealous that Bella is human. He also warns her that he might be overprotective (really? noooooo...) during the next week or two, since Alice forsees other vampires visiting Forks soon (Alice, it might as well be pointed out, can see the future). At some point, Mr. Dr. Cullen's backstory comes up, and is apparently the focus of the next chapter. It actually sounds kind of interesting-- at least, compared to the drivel that is the entirety of the book so far-- so, fingers crossed.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward is ratted out by his mum as being very musical. She makes him play piano for Bella, at which point we learn that vampy speed and agility lets one duet with oneself.

2. While assuring her that she looks wonderful in the umpteenth outfit she's tried on, Edward kisses Bella. She faints. Wow.

3. Alice greets Bella with a hug and kiss on the cheek, then adds that 'she does smell nice'. Apparently, when Edward was describing his new girlfriend to the family, 'smells good' was toward the top of the list.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- threat level sparkle.

Chapter Six (in which Bella becomes a serious collector)

Finally, Chapter Six-- we're officially a quarter of the way through the book, kids. Fortunately for all of us, it's a fairly linear chapter and should be easy to summarize. So, let's get down to business, and I can spend the rest of the afternoon with my nose buried in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, savoring some REAL absurdist fiction.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- It finally stops raining in Forks long enough for Bella, Mike, and everyone else we've come across so far (sans the Cullen clan, of course) to go to the beach. This particular beach is on or near the local Indian-- pardon, NATIVE AMERICAN-- reservation, so some teenagers from the reservation end up joining the beachgoers. One of them is Jacob, who is a year or two younger than Bella and remembers her from childhood. He's friendly and easy to talk to, so while the rest of the group takes turns vying for each others' attention in a grand display of high-school social politics, Bella and Jacob strike up a conversation. Eventually (inevitably) the Cullens are mentioned, and one of the other reservation teens says forbiddingly that they don't come to the beach. Edward-obsessed (Ed-sessed? Can I say that?) Bella is curious, and very suddenly starts flirting with Jacob in order to weasel some information out of him. Jacob proves to be quite susceptible to the old eyelash-batting routine, and once they're off to themselves, he quickly blurts out the whole story: legend has it that his ancestors were werewolves. At some point they called a truce with a family of the 'Cold Ones' (vampires, not beers) who claimed to never harm humans. He adds that the Cold Ones of legend are the same bunch of Cullens that currently live in Forks. Bella finds this all disturbingly interesting, but soon it's time to leave with her friends, and she spends the ride home pondering.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Mr. Dr. Cullen is named Carlisle. He's apparently quite ancient, so his name might be helpful to know. Or, I can just keep calling him Mr. Dr. Cullen because I think it's funny.

2. Bella's Dad bought her truck from Jacob's dad. Their dads are friends. It'll probably come up later.

3. A single beer is often referred to as a 'cold one'. This is generally well-known, so someone should tell Stephenie Meyer.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Difficult to say since he wasn't in the chapter, but I think we can be sure that, wherever he was, he was smoldering.