Chapter Eighteen (In which a plot may be trying to claw its way back from the void Shmeyer has banished it to)

Chapter eighteen--three-quarters of the way through Twilight, at last. I warn you in advance, toastyreaders, this chapter will disappoint you. True, we start to get the faintest inkling of a plot that doesn't involve Ed and Bella's snogging schedule, but we're also teased with the carrot of Bella being in mortal peril. Remember, though, that carrot is nothing but a pointy orange stick of empty promises-- not only does Bella survive the chapter, she survives three more books.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The Cullen crew casually (suspiciously casually?) stops playing ball just when the not-so-surprise vampire visitors arrive. There are three of them, and one steps forward and introduces himself to Mr. Dr. Cullen as Laurent, adding that the others are James and Victoria (two guys and a girl, in case Laurie LeFrenchpants confused you). I mention names and whatnot because these three will probably be important soon enough, and given the rate at which the story has been failing to move along, let's cross our fingers and hope they make some fast trouble. Anyhoo, Mr. Dr. Cullen and Laurent chat a bit, Laurent expresses interest in the Cullens' ability to keep a permanent residence (it would seem vampers are notoriously bad tenants), and Mr. Dr. Cullen invites the newcomers back to the house, after politely asking them not to hunt nearby for fear of blowing their cover. Just as everyone is about to head back to Chateau Cullen, a convenient breeze carries Bella's scent to James, who perks up and starts talking about snacks. Edward gets rather huffy about this, and the boys assume hostile positions and show their teeth in a somewhat-effective display of aggression. Mr. Dr Cullen insists that Bella is with their family (as does big n' beefy Emmett) and Laurent calls James off, recalling that they agreed not to hunt on the Cullens' turf. A few more lines of tension are thrown in for dramatic effect, but everyone still gets to head to the Cullen house. Alice, Emmett, and Edward announce that they're taking Bella back in the Jeep; once they all strap in, though, Bella finds out that they're actually planning to kidnap her and take her far, far away. James is apparently a 'tracker', and through Edward's handy mind-reading shtick, they've determined that he is now going to hunt Bella relentlessly (hoorah!) unless they can take her somewhere he'll never find her (booo). Bella, however, doesn't want to go anywhere. She throws a fit and demands they stop risking their cover for her (which they're really not) and that she can take care of it herself (which she absolutely can't, especially when there are twigs for her to trip over and stairs for her to fall down). When it's mentioned that James is tracking her smell, she realizes that he'll probably start at Charlie's house, where he'll probably kill Charlie. Edward and Alice argue over which of their mostly non-existent plans they should go with, when Bella pipes up with a plan of her own-- she'll go to her house, tell Charlie she's moving back to Phoenix, then leave, leading James awry. No one can come up with anything better, so they decide to go with Bella's plan, after which Alice and Jasper will take her into hiding in Phoenix while Edward and Emmett stay and try to distract James. They change course for Bella's house, while Bella contemplates whether it'd be worse to be taken away from Edward for a few days or be snacked on.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Instead of gold eyes like the Cullens', the newcomers' eyes are burgundy. Snacking on people is apparently the cheap and easy vamp equivalent of buying colored contacts.

2. There's some sort of weird tension through the whole book between Edward and Alice. It's not very well-defined--or written, for that matter--but Shmeyer keeps bringing it up, and in this chapter it causes them to argue a lot. Really, a lot, as in several pages of an uninterrupted Edward-and-Alice bicker-fest.

3. While Bella is describing a particularly sneaky part of her plan, Emmett laughs and calls her 'diabolical'. Bella is clearly a projection of Shmeyer, which means Shmeyer most likely sees herself as being diabolical. I'm starting to suspect--just a bit--that she's doing this to the world on purpose, the fiend.

Chapter Seventeen (in which baseball is more or less played)

Alright, kids... it's time for some vampire baseball. Are you ready? I'm not.

CHAPTER SUMMARY--Edward drives Bella home, but when they arrive at her house, Jacob and Billy Black are waiting on the porch. So, Edward dashes off, leaving Bella to deal with the unexpected guests. She lets Jacob and Billy in, over-emphasizing the fact that Charlie will be home much later in the hopes that they'll leave. However, Billy sends Jacob out to the car on some useless errand, then promptly confronts Bella about her relationship with Edward. In a surprising show of abrasiveness, Bella curtly insists that it's her business, and it's her business whether Charlie knows about her business. Billy reluctantly admits defeat, then comes up with whatever excuse to leave and does so. When Charlie gets home, Bella does eventually get around to telling him she has a date with Edward Cullen, at which point Charlie stages a clearly-affected display of fatherly stuffiness. But, when Edward comes to pick Bella up, he introduces himself and quickly charms the sensibility out of Charlie, as he has with practically every other person in the bleeding book. As soon as Eddie n' Chuck start to get along, though, Bella begins acting as flabbergasted as possible, presumably because the two people whose lives are supposed to revolve around her are having their own conversation. She finally herds Edward out the door, but has second thoughts about the outing when Ed directs her to the 'monster' Jeep he's borrowed from Emmett, and she has third and possibly fourth thoughts when he straps her into the off-roading harness. All that equipment, and they still end up piggy-backing most of the way to a clearing, where the rest of the Cullens are waiting and marking bases a bit too far apart (if you'll recall, they're setting up to play baseball... try to contain your excitement). Bella, who is not a vampire and has spent a good portion of the book so far reminding us that she's too clumsy to have survived to 17, hangs back to watch. She ends up talking to Esme (Ed's 'mom'), who tells her that she's glad Edward has found her, in spite of the fact that she's human. Thunder starts, and so does the game. For anyone who has either lived in hermitage for the past ten years (if you exist, I can hardly blame you) or is otherwise unaware of 'vampire baseball', I'll explain-- vampires hit baseballs so hard that it sounds like thunder (but apparently not hard enough to break the bats and balls) and they have to put the bases very far apart because they hit it so far. Whether or not they play with special heavy-duty equipment isn't addressed; in fact, Shmeyer has so much obvious disdain for all things athletic that she can't seem to write an adequate baseball scene. Luckily for her, the game is quickly interrupted by Alice's sensing of the vampires she foresaw visiting (remember them?). Edward uses his handy mind-reading ability and adds that they heard the game and want to join. After debating whether it's too dangerous to stick around with Bella and whether they could leave before the others show up, they decide to keep casually playing and waiting for the mystery guests.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. After the piggy-back ride, Bella lets go off Edward and plops onto her bum, getting a bit of dirt and a few twigs on her pants. Since these things are plant-related (and we know how Bella feels about plants), she freaks out, causing Edward to laugh. Bella responds by becoming irrationally angry and trying to storm off in the opposite direction, which would get her lost in the woods. In other words, she does everything wrong here.

2. While the Cullens are preparing for the game, Edward runs up to Bella and Esme, 'sparkling with excitement'. Edward seems to have harnessed the power of the sun.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- He has harnessed the power of mighty Helios! Feel the awesome power of his smolder!

Chapter Fifteen (which I would refer to as 'Family Matters', but then people might expect humor)

It should be pointed out that, since the meadowy frolics, Edward can't keep his hands off Bella (not to mention his sniffer). Luckily, this is the chapter where he takes her home to meet he fam, so he keeps his hands to himself... mostly.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella wakes up and is ecstatic to find that Edward stayed the whole night--it seems he spent most of the night sitting in the corner, watching her sleep. If I woke up to a guy sitting in my room staring at me, I'm pretty sure my immediate reaction wouldn't be elation, but I must admit I've never been in such a situation and will therefore reserve my judgement. Anyhoo, Edward then shows his sensitivity to Bella's human condition by reminding her to eat breakfast (hear that, twi-tards? Edward likes a lady wif some brekkie in her. Eat some damn cereal!), at which point he asks if she'd like to spend the day meeting his family. She agrees, then spends a good while fussing over her outfit. They finally make it out the door and drive through the woods to his house, which is a very nice house with a very nice outside and some very nice trees and a nice big glass wall. There, Edward introduces Bella to his parents, Carlisle (Mr. Dr. Cullen) and Esme, who are also very nice. Alice (remember Alice?) comes running in and greets Bella enthusiastically. Bella also meets Jasper, whose special vampire power is basically charisma. The other two members of the Cullen crew, Emmett and Rosalie, are noticeably absent--as Edward explains to Bella, Rosalie is paranoid about anyone outside the family knowing the truth, not to mention a bit jealous that Bella is human. He also warns her that he might be overprotective (really? noooooo...) during the next week or two, since Alice forsees other vampires visiting Forks soon (Alice, it might as well be pointed out, can see the future). At some point, Mr. Dr. Cullen's backstory comes up, and is apparently the focus of the next chapter. It actually sounds kind of interesting-- at least, compared to the drivel that is the entirety of the book so far-- so, fingers crossed.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward is ratted out by his mum as being very musical. She makes him play piano for Bella, at which point we learn that vampy speed and agility lets one duet with oneself.

2. While assuring her that she looks wonderful in the umpteenth outfit she's tried on, Edward kisses Bella. She faints. Wow.

3. Alice greets Bella with a hug and kiss on the cheek, then adds that 'she does smell nice'. Apparently, when Edward was describing his new girlfriend to the family, 'smells good' was toward the top of the list.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- threat level sparkle.

Chapter Thirteen (or, Love Frolics in a Scenic Meadow)

So, the last chapter left us eagerly anticipating what happens to Edward in the sunlight. He's assured Bella that he won't spontaneously combust, but what then? Will he swoon and/or projectile vomit? Will he suddenly burst into flora like a chia pet? Will he become the sort of proper gent who likes sleeves on his collared shirts? Places your bets now, then read on for the exciting conclusion to this minor cliffhanger!

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- He sparkles. I have to say, if I hadn't known ahead of time, I don't think I would have handled it well. [Vampires + sunlight = sparkle] could have been the equation that put me over the edge and prompted me to chuck the book down the stairs, followed closely by a string of inspired profanity. However, I do not live under a large rock and therefore do hear things that the rest of the world hears, so I was prepared for the sparkly bits. What I wasn't prepared for was the rest of this hideous chapter-- twenty-five nauseating pages of tentative romance. After Edward shows off his glittering abs, there's a lot of laying around in a meadow, awkwardly caressing each other's hands for the first time. Bella gets a whiff of Edward's sexy breath and starts to lean in for a kiss, which propels Edward into a freak-out. He runs around the clearing, ripping up trees and generally demonstrating how hopeless it would be for Bella to fight back if she tried. Then, as suddenly as his fit started, he calms down and returns to sitting about in the meadow, where he says some very smarmy things, like how Bella is the 'most important thing to him ever' and so on. Most of the chapter is spent in a sort of weird cuddling exercise-- Edward is worried about losing control around Bella and has almost completely avoided physical contact up until this point, so he uses up pages upon pages getting used to touching her. Mind you, it's not as steamy as it sounds. There isn't a thing in this chapter scandalous enough to make the most repressed Victorian spinster blush, although the writing might be adequately awful to provoke even her to a rousing cry of 'Bollocks!' and a hearty heave of the offending book. Anyway, nothing of note happens during the G-rated love-fest in the meadow, and eventually they start back down the trail. Edward insists on giving Bella a piggy-back ride through the woods, which turns out to be a breakneck bullet-train-from-hell sort of affair (she can't handle him driving over the speed limit, but this should be fine for her, yeah?). Due to traveling by Ed-rocket, they get back to the car very quickly, and another page or so is taken up by Shmeyer's need to make sure we grasp just how woozy the experience has made Bella. She finally composes herself, but Edward decides to make matters woozier and attempts to kiss her. The moment starts out cautiously (understandable), but Bella gets a taste of the sexy breath, and suddenly she's gripping his head and trying to suck his face off (and this whole time we were worried about Edward losing control). Edward cuts that business short, but it goes more smoothly on the second attempt, and Bella is so overwhelmed by competent kissing that Edward has to drive.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella tells Edward that she'd rather die than stay away from him. Oh, if only.

2. While trying to explain the effect Bella has on him, Edward says that she's his brand of heroin. Does that means he's her brand of cold medicine? Or would that be Jacob, since she uses him gratuitously?

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Is Edward's dad a thief? 'Cuz someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in his eyes... then decided that was an acceptable substitute for a plot.

Toast Patrol Strikes Back!

Once again, my toasty observers, it's time for the Toast Patrol crew to flaunt its infantile sense of humor in the face of Twilight!

Forrest Gumption: This is the headliner on badtaxidermy.com.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: As an aspiring taxidermist, I now aspire to this.

Pither: "Nertz to you, Bell, I CAN FLY, I'M KING OF THE WORLD"

Forrest Gumption: Kinda looks like Peter Pan.

Forrest Gumption: Sparkles with pixie dust, too.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: The fruitiness has finally become too much. Even Bella can't look.

Forrest Gumption: Does anyone else think he looks like Rocket J Squirrel?

Pither: He looks stupid, does that count?

Pither: I think it counts.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: That is quite similar to Rocky's worried face.

Pither: It counts.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: I DEMAND BELLA BE A MOOSE.

Forrest Gumption: So, this is early the next morning, when Bella returns the bountiful bladder bath.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: Eh?

Forrest Gumption: It's the pee happens.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: Ah.

Pither: I thought vampires can only be out at night.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: Not if they get peed on.

Pither: Oh.

Pither: Well I guess that stands to reason.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: In light of the new concerns about sunscreen, I think we can all learn something from this.

Pither: SPF 97898

Mr. Dr. Toastyt: Is that a zip code, or do you know the exact protection rating of Bella's pee?

Forrest Gumption: It's a complex metaphor constructed by Stephenie Meyer to emphasise they're spiritual bond through a simple act of good 'ol fashioned territory markings.

Forrest Gumption: Oh no, I've used the worn their!!!!

Forrest Gumption: Wrong

Forrest Gumption: My god

Forrest Gumption: I think........ I may be writing at Twilight caliber after all these years :(

A New Toast Patrol

I hope everyone enjoyed the debut of 'Toast Patrol', because we enjoyed making it. So, here's s'more!

Forrest Gumption: Is that an antenna?

ToastyLeader: Now it's time to play a fill-in-the-blank game-- 'Edward just realized that__'

Forrest Gumption: HE'S A FRIGGIN ROBOT!

Forrest Gumption: And someone left his emotion switch set to 'did i leave the oven on?'

Pither: Bella is a man.

Forrest Gumption: Bella is clearly a sweater.

Forrest Gumption: And Edward is Carlton Banks.

Pither: Bella has a food baby.

Pither: He has exactly 22 teeth.

Pither: The lupus was hiding all along.

Pither: Those aren't the twilights he was looking for.

Pither: He has two arrows jutting out of his back.

Forrest Gumption: I think this is actually an intimate photo from the wedding night and she's trying to comfort Edward by telling him 'It happens to lots of guys.'

Forrest Gumption: The evidence is there!

ToastyLeader: And yet she looks unconvinced...

Forrest Gumption: I'm just forming a hypotenuse.

Chapter Seven (in which conclusions aren't really reached)

Here it is, boys and girls-- the chapter in which Bella finally doesn't quite figure out whether Edward's a vampire. She finds plenty of research to back it up, but a sack o' self-loathing like Bella isn't going to jump to any conclusions without second, third, and twelfth-guessing herself, so we probably won't find out the truth about the Cullens for a while yet. I, for one, am on the edge of my seat.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter starts off with another of Bella's dreams, in which Jacob is a werewolf, Edward is a vampire, and Mike is... well, just kind of there. Once she wakes up, Bella is too distracted to go back to sleep, so she looks up vampires on the internet. [SIDE NOTE-- In all fairness to Ms. Meyer, this bit indicates that she probably visited at least one vampiric lore site, but she spends a bit too long proving it to us.] Bella finds most of the criteria she needs to prove that the Cullens are vampires, but since she doesn't find a credible source that specifically reads 'The Cullens are vampires', she becomes frustrated and embarrassed, then heads out into the woods for some Bella time. She parks her rump on a fallen tree and weighs all the options for an ungodly long time, eventually deciding that (a) Edward may or may not be a vampire, but he is somehow more than human, and (b) even though it would be safer to avoid him if he is a vampire, she's in two or three conversations too deep to stay away. When she gets to school the next day, Edward and company aren't there, so Bella spends the day in such misery that she ends up agreeing to go dress shopping with Jessica, Angela, and Lauren, despite the fact that she and Lauren have at this point developed some sort of girly reason to dislike each other with an intensity rivaling Edward's stare. At some point it gets sunny out, Bella gets some vitamin D, and dinner happens.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. While Bella is waiting for her internet to crank up, she gets a bowl of cereal. Hear that, self-conscious girls who skip breakfast? If an emotional wreck like Bella can handle the most important meal of the day, you can, too.

2. Bella has to write a Macbeth essay, and she decides to focus on whether Shakespeare's treatment of women is misogynistic. Given the overall number of complaints the series receives about Bella's mistreatment at the hands of her gentlemen callers, this is almost as funny as the Wuthering Heights bit.

3. Bella still hates plants.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Once again, we have a chapter with no Edward. He continues to smolder from afar.