Chapters 1-3: Worse-Case Scenarios, and the Beginning of the Downhill Tumble

Here we go, toasties-- it's New Moon time. Brace yourselves, then let's jump in and allow the instant sarcasm wash over us like a tidal wave of crushed literary hopes and dreams.

The whole shebang starts with Bella having a dream (odds bodkins, this feels familiar), in which she is a crusty old bat, while Edward is still... well, Edward, the sparkling teenaged wanker who kisses her cheek and wishes her happy birthday. She awakes in a dither and remembers that it is in fact her birthday, and the dream quite expressed how she feels about turning old as dirt... or rather, 18. She spends the day in a special-occasion snit, being rude to everyone who mentions the 'black event' (her birthday, not the Million Man March) and only agreeing to go to the Cullen's for a party after much smoldering and vampy coercion courtesy of Edward and Alice. Bella manages to stave off the festivities til evening by insisting that she and Edward have to watch Romeo and Juliet for class first, which smacks loudly of foreshadowing.

Evening rolls around and everyone heads over to the Cullen house, which is very pinkly-decorated for the occasion. Bella, however, can't seem to go anywhere without manufacturing a crisis, ad she gets a bloody little boo-boo while opening a present. Jasper goes blood-crazy and slams into Edward, who has jumped protectively in front of Bella, who goes flying into the spread; the whole bit plays out rather like a perverse (and probably, quite entertaining) game of dirty croquet. Bella ends up a bleeding, glass-covered mess, so Jasper is quickly bundled out of the house, accompanied by the rest of the family, and Bella gets to cap off her fun-filled birthday evening with Mr. Dr. Cullen plucking glass out of her wounds and stitching her up sans anesthetic.

As we discovered in the first book, Edward and Bella each have their own strikingly poor ways of handling crises, and this chapter doesn't disappoint (or rather, it does... but that's hardly a surprise). The next day at school--and the days following-- Edward is aloof to the point that Bella agonizes over his behavior and even hyperventilates on her way to work one afternoon. She compulsively (conveniently, even) takes up her parents' birthday presents-- a camera and a scrapbook-- and starts obsessively documenting Forks, particularly the Edward-y parts. Soon after Bella starts her somewhat stalker-ish new hobby, though, Edward breaks the rather abrupt news that he and his family are leaving Forks to start over elsewhere, and Bella will never ever see him again. He makes her promise not to do anything reckless, plants a smooch on her forehead, and bolts away into the woods before Bella quite knows what's hit her. Always the stoic, she reacts by stumbling pitifully through the woods for hours in a blind bid to feel she's being productive, eventually slopping down against an unfamiliar tree, with nightfall and rain thrown in for extra oomph.

She's eventually found by a search party that includes Charlie, who takes her to a hitherto-unmentioned doctor (because for Bella, a doctor a day keeps the... hm, well, nevermind). While pretending to sleep after her checkup, she overhears the doctor and Charlie discussing the Cullen family's sudden disappearance, chalking it up to a very sudden job offer. They muse over the mystery of the whole thing without giving any more information at all, so Bella loses interest shortly after we do and stops narrating about it, thank heaven.

When Bella finally arrives back home, she finds that Edward has rooted through her room and removed all the pictures she took of him (not to mention the totally sweet mix-CD he made her) in an effort to remove all traces of himself from her life. Sigh... let the angst begin.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE

1. While watching Romeo and Juliet, Edward muses about vampire suicide, and how he was contemplating it during the Bella-damaging affairs of the first book. As I said... foreshadowing? Smackety smack.

2. Edward mentions the Volturi, whom he describes as being sort of like the vamp-version of the Royal family. They also happen to be the vampires Mr. Dr. Cullen stayed with in Italy all those years ago. I'm guessing they're important.

3. While stitching Bella up, the good Mr. Dr. tells her that Edward believes vampires have lost their souls, and therefore thinks that to turn Bella would be to snarfle her soul into oblivion.

4. As one of her birthday presents, the Cullens give Bella plane tickets to Jacksonville so she and Edward can visit Bella's mum. Now that Ed's gone and Bella's pouting, the fate of the plane tickets is unknown.

5. Of the search party that goes looking for Bella, several are men from the reservation. The one who actually finds her is named Sam Uley. He comes up later.

GOOD NEWS-- Edward's gone, and he's taken the dazzle with him.

BAD NEWS-- The book is from Bella's point of view.

Epilogue (or, Chapter Twenty-Five)

Apologies for the delay, toastyreaders, but seeing as I can no longer stave off the second Twilight book with wonderful excuses like, 'If I don't read the entire Harry Potter series again before the next movie, Molly Weasley might avada kedavra my sorry bum,' I can therefore no longer avoid commenting on the oozy, should-be-unnecessary blat of Shmeyerrhea that the author has gone and called an 'epilogue', presumably so it can squelch about happily in delusions of its own importance. And so, with no more ado... the final bits of Twilight.

NOT-QUITE-CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Edward shoves a thoroughly dolled-up Bella into the ol' silver Volvo, and she spends more than three pages figuring out what was painfully obvious within a few sentences (or within the first few chapters of the book, if you've been paying attention)-- Edward has duped her into going to the prom. Once she realizes what he's up to, she makes a grand fuss, but he quickly smolders her into submission. They arrive at the prom, and Edward quiets Bella's protests of supreme clumsiness by allowing her to stand on his feet while he shows off his 100-year-old dancing skills. Jacob Black shows up out of nowhere and cuts in, then explains with much embarrassment that Billy bribed him to come to the dance and ask Bella to 'please' dump Edward. He hesitantly adds, emphasizing the 'Godfather'-esque absurdity of the situation, that Billy also said to inform Bella 'we'll be watching'. They share an awkward laugh, then Smooth Eddie cuts back in and whisks Bella outside to gaze sappily into the moon. He explains that he's forced her to go to prom because he wants her to have a normal human life, even if she's with him. Normally, this would seem a touch sadistic, as he's basically telling her she deserves the same miserable high school experience everyone else gets to have, but remember that this is the Shmeyerverse-- everyone loves Bella and tries their best to make her life perfect, and anyone who doesn't has death or, at the very least, obscurity to look forward to. Bella confesses that she had initially hoped Edward had changed his mind and was going to turn her after all (because in the event of an excruciating three-day-long transformation, one should always look one's best), then in spite of Edward's protests, she insists that she really, really wants to be a vampire. Ed makes a great show of leaning in and heaving great stalker-breaths on her throat for a few seconds before he pulls back and coyly tells her 'no'. However, he recovers by saying some wildly smarmy things about 'love' and 'forever', then slobbers romantically on Bella's neck. The end.

And now, in the spirit of this monstros--ehem, book, it's time to talk about feelings.

THE IMP.TOAST OVERVIEW OF TWILIGHT--

I hate this book even more than I expected to, and with good reason-- nothing should be as poorly-worded, riddled with infuriating characters, and downright nauseating as this soggy little yarn. There are many dreadful things that can be said about Twilight, but many of them have already been said by bigger experts and better wordsmiths, so I'm simply going to express my opinion of the book, with a steaming pile of literary imagery:

Imagine being trapped at a summer camp where the climate is terrible, the weather is always the opposite of what you want it to be, and most enjoyable diversion available is getting so lost in the woods that you wander aimlessly for three or four days, fighting off the occasional rabid squirrel, before stumbling upon camp again. The camp counselors don't notice when you get back; they're all successful lobotomy patients who spend their time discussing sports that they're barely aware of. Your bunkmates are all wildly narcissistic, but simultaneously have low self-esteem to the point of being psychologically unstable. They spend every waking moment creating unnecessary drama out of thin air, and at least one of them cannot communicate without violent hyperbole. There is one toilet in camp, and it consists of a shallow hole in the ground that is invariably filled with strange and terrifying fluids that should never come out of a human body.

You and your bunkmates live in that toilet.

That toilet is Twilight.

Chapter Twenty-Four (In which things could have been wrapped up quickly, but then Shmeyer would've had to stop writing)

Well, toastyreaders, we've finally reached the last chapter. Don't get excited just yet, though-- a soggy epilogue is close on its heels.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella wakes up in the hospital to find Edward sitting in the corner, pretending to nap. He informs her, among other other things, that her mother is off getting coffee and will be back soon. When Bella asks how her vamp-related injuries were explained to her mother, he responds that they're saying she fell down two flights of stairs and out of a window (what's important to note is that Bella is so egregiously bad at basic physical functions that at this point, no one has a problem believing she's capable of such a tumble). The subject of James also comes up--finally--but gets brushed aside with the explanation that Emmett and Jasper 'took care of him'. Alice saw the tape of the incident, including James' long-winded exposition, and therefore knows all about her hitherto-mysterious past. At this point in the proceedings, Bella's mum returns and tells Bella that Phil (formerly known as the Not Very Good Ball Player) has been signed to a team after all, so now they get to settle down in Jacksonville, and Bella can come live with them in the heat and sunshine; however, Bella, much to the surprise of hardly anyone, insists that she's changed her mind and wants to stay in Forks, despite how much she previously raved otherwise. After a bit more fussing and whatnot, Mom takes off for some forgettable reason, and Edward tells Bella in a bit of a roundabout way that she should go live with her mother, 'somewhere he can't hurt her'. Bella, as per usual, goes completely nuts. Edward tries to call the nurse to sedate her, but Bella insists that he's just trying to leave her forever and makes him swear he'll stay. Once he's assured her he won't leave, Bella incites another argument about how he could have just let her turn into a vampire, and thus wouldn't have to worry about accidentally damaging her. The conversation gets Edward a bit huffy, especially when Bella guesses that the reason for Ed and Alice's tension--Alice has had a vision in which Bella is a vampire. Finally, Bella lets Edward order more sedatives and pain meds for her, after he's promised not to leave for the 87th time.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. While Edward is pretending to nap, Bella's mum comments that he never leaves. We've noticed that, too. Bella shouldn't be so bleeding worried about him leaving-- if anything, she should tell him to once in a while.

2. To collaborate the story of Bella's two-staircases-and-a-window incident, it's mentioned that Alice very enthusiastically fabricated evidence at the hotel where it's supposed to have happened. I would much rather have read a chapter about that.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- It's not going anywhere. It promises.

Chapter Eighteen (In which a plot may be trying to claw its way back from the void Shmeyer has banished it to)

Chapter eighteen--three-quarters of the way through Twilight, at last. I warn you in advance, toastyreaders, this chapter will disappoint you. True, we start to get the faintest inkling of a plot that doesn't involve Ed and Bella's snogging schedule, but we're also teased with the carrot of Bella being in mortal peril. Remember, though, that carrot is nothing but a pointy orange stick of empty promises-- not only does Bella survive the chapter, she survives three more books.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The Cullen crew casually (suspiciously casually?) stops playing ball just when the not-so-surprise vampire visitors arrive. There are three of them, and one steps forward and introduces himself to Mr. Dr. Cullen as Laurent, adding that the others are James and Victoria (two guys and a girl, in case Laurie LeFrenchpants confused you). I mention names and whatnot because these three will probably be important soon enough, and given the rate at which the story has been failing to move along, let's cross our fingers and hope they make some fast trouble. Anyhoo, Mr. Dr. Cullen and Laurent chat a bit, Laurent expresses interest in the Cullens' ability to keep a permanent residence (it would seem vampers are notoriously bad tenants), and Mr. Dr. Cullen invites the newcomers back to the house, after politely asking them not to hunt nearby for fear of blowing their cover. Just as everyone is about to head back to Chateau Cullen, a convenient breeze carries Bella's scent to James, who perks up and starts talking about snacks. Edward gets rather huffy about this, and the boys assume hostile positions and show their teeth in a somewhat-effective display of aggression. Mr. Dr Cullen insists that Bella is with their family (as does big n' beefy Emmett) and Laurent calls James off, recalling that they agreed not to hunt on the Cullens' turf. A few more lines of tension are thrown in for dramatic effect, but everyone still gets to head to the Cullen house. Alice, Emmett, and Edward announce that they're taking Bella back in the Jeep; once they all strap in, though, Bella finds out that they're actually planning to kidnap her and take her far, far away. James is apparently a 'tracker', and through Edward's handy mind-reading shtick, they've determined that he is now going to hunt Bella relentlessly (hoorah!) unless they can take her somewhere he'll never find her (booo). Bella, however, doesn't want to go anywhere. She throws a fit and demands they stop risking their cover for her (which they're really not) and that she can take care of it herself (which she absolutely can't, especially when there are twigs for her to trip over and stairs for her to fall down). When it's mentioned that James is tracking her smell, she realizes that he'll probably start at Charlie's house, where he'll probably kill Charlie. Edward and Alice argue over which of their mostly non-existent plans they should go with, when Bella pipes up with a plan of her own-- she'll go to her house, tell Charlie she's moving back to Phoenix, then leave, leading James awry. No one can come up with anything better, so they decide to go with Bella's plan, after which Alice and Jasper will take her into hiding in Phoenix while Edward and Emmett stay and try to distract James. They change course for Bella's house, while Bella contemplates whether it'd be worse to be taken away from Edward for a few days or be snacked on.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Instead of gold eyes like the Cullens', the newcomers' eyes are burgundy. Snacking on people is apparently the cheap and easy vamp equivalent of buying colored contacts.

2. There's some sort of weird tension through the whole book between Edward and Alice. It's not very well-defined--or written, for that matter--but Shmeyer keeps bringing it up, and in this chapter it causes them to argue a lot. Really, a lot, as in several pages of an uninterrupted Edward-and-Alice bicker-fest.

3. While Bella is describing a particularly sneaky part of her plan, Emmett laughs and calls her 'diabolical'. Bella is clearly a projection of Shmeyer, which means Shmeyer most likely sees herself as being diabolical. I'm starting to suspect--just a bit--that she's doing this to the world on purpose, the fiend.

Chapter Sixteen (which begins in the 1600's, and ends in despair)

So, remember how I said this chapter might be interesting? It was... for about half a page. See below for the (blessedly) abridged version.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter begins with Edward telling Bella Mr. Dr. Cullen's backstory: the good Mr. Dr. was born in the 1600's, to an overzealous creature-hunting priest of a father. When his father pressed him into carrying on the business, the future Mr. Dr.'s compassion made him more discerning than his dad, who was a bit of an equal-opportunity prick. He eventually found a real coven of vamps, who in turn attacked him. To save himself from the rest of the hunting party, he hid himself for several days, until he discovered he'd turned vampy himself. Deeply distressed by his condition, he tried to kill himself and eventually tried to starve himself, until in his weakened state he attacked some deer and thereby discovered he could survive without killing humans. He integrated back into society and started studying constantly, finding his penance in the world of medicine. He stayed in Italy for a while with some nice, 'cultured' vampires, but they differed over food sources, so he left for the New World. There he grew rather lonely; during the Spanish influenza outbreak, he found Edward and decided to try to save him by turning him. And, of course, the chapter gets very Ed-centric from here on out. It seems Edward became rebellious at some point and left to try people-eating-- only bad people, he assures Bella-- but soon returned to Mr. Dr. Cullen (and now, Esme) and his 'vegetarian' lifestyle. Back to the present-- Edward trails off with his history lesson and tugs Bella through the house to his room, where he shows her his classy decorating and obscenely extensive music collection. While they're snuggling as usual, Alice pokes her head in and says there's a thunderstorm coming, so Emmett wants to play ball. She insists that Edward and Bella both come along, and that presumably brings us to the infamous vampire baseball chapter. Oh, joy.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. To conceal himself from the rest of the vampire-hunting party after being attacked, Mr. Dr. Cullen apparently hid himself in a pile of rotting potatoes for three days. Really, Shmeyer? 1600's London didn't have any better hidey-holes?

2. Edward likes 50's music, hates music from the 60's and 70's, and calls the 80's 'tolerable'. Not only does this make me like him even less, it makes me wonder what he looked like when he was trying to blend in with the 'new wave' crowd.

3. According to the parameters laid out in #2, when asked whether he prefers the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, Edward's answer would be 'NO'. See? Now you hate him, too.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Second only to the intensity of his totally choice 'Flock of Seagulls' haircut.

Chapter Fourteen (in which a 108-year-old guy stalks a 17-year-old girl, yet nothing seems amiss)

I tried rugby last night, and it was a lot of fun. Then I read Chapter Fourteen, and it was no fun at all. Today, I'm suffering for both. Oh, well... at least the sore muscles will go away eventually.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- On the ride home from the meadowy frolics of Chapter Thirteen, Edward listens to some 50's music, prompting Bella to ask how old he really is. He admits that he was born in 1901 and was turned vampy in 1918 in lieu of dying from Spanish influenza. He goes on to explain how and when each of his 'family' members were turned, and we get some back story on the Cullen clan that I quite frankly don't care enough about to regurgitate here (if it's important, it'll come up later). When they get to Bella's house, Edward asks to come in-- polite, until he whips out the hidey-key that he shouldn't know about and unlocks the door himself. Bella is understandably a bit shocked and asks if Edward has been spying on her. Yes, of course, he was 'curious' about her before and wanted to observe her, but upon further questioning Edward admits that he comes to the house every night and watches her sleep. Bella is then understandably appalled, especially when Edward tells her she's interesting to watch because she talks in her sleep. He quickly assures her that she's never said anything embarrassing, but their conversation is cut short by Charlie getting home. Edward slips away, but when Bella heads up to her room, he's waiting on her bed, clearly liberated by the admission that he's there every night anyway. Bella is through having understandable reactions at this point, so she snuggles up with him, and they talk about a few more pointless things before she drifts off to sleep.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. In Edward's exposition on his family back story, we find out that his sister Alice woke up alone with no memory of her previous life or who turned her, along with the standard vampiric enhancement of strength/agility/etc and some funky premonitions... Resident Evil 2, anyone?

2. Edward admits that he was always extremely jealous when Mike and co. were flirting with Bella, going so far as to call Mike 'odious'. You know a man's really jealous when he starts breaking out the five-dollar words.

3. Do you listening to any music from the 50's or 60's? My lord, you must be old. Like, 100 at least.

4. Edward tells Bella she smells like a tasty, tasty flower.

5. According to Edward's account of what Bella talks about in her sleep, even her subconscious hates plants.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- currently set to 'gorgon'.

Chapter Nine (in which the conspiracy theorists win one for the home team)

As indicated by the end of the last chapter, this ninth chunk of book is essentially just a conversation and a car ride, during which we find out a lot about Edward and very little about anything else. Thus, the chapter summary will be rather brief, followed by a super-sized section of 'Notable Notes'. Ready? Okay! [cue sparkly pom-poms]

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Heading back to Forks in the ol' silver Volvo, Edward and Bella have a fairly Ed-centric conversation. She ends up mentioning Jacob's story, adding that she doesn't care if it's true. Edward is angry at her for endangering herself by not caring, but finally (FINALLY) admits to being a vampire. Information is shared, feelings are discussed, and moments of emotional vulnerability happen. Edward shows off his mad driving skills. He drops her off at home, promising her that he'll save her a seat at lunch. Then, as she falls asleep that night, we get to everyone's favorite dust jacket quote, which breaks down thusly-- (a) Edward is a vampire. (b) Part of him thirsts for Bella's blood. (c) Bella is unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. And with that, we kick off the...

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward is a vampire. Derp.

2. Sleeping in coffins is a myth (only bohemians do that). Actually, Edward doesn't sleep at all. He's starting to sound like the type of bloke who likes to watch girls sleep.

3. According to Edward, the sun bit is a myth, too; sunlight doesn't harm vampires at all, though Ed does add that he can't go out in the sun when people are looking.

4. The Cullen crew doesn't hunt humans. They hunt animals instead, but the temptation to nom humans is still there. Bella is a food-challenge platter of juicy hot wings to Edward's repressed, iron-deficient vegan hipster.

5. The eye thing=hunger. It seems Edward isn't experimenting with hard drugs, after all.

6. The 'dazzle' thing is still funny.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- circus fire (get it?)