Chapter Eleven (in which Edward asks the questions we've never wanted to ask)

Another day, another chapter-ful of Stephenie Meyer's projectile word-vomit.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Immediately following the lunchroom drama of Chapter Ten, Bella and Edward head to Biology, where they sit very close to each other in the dark and completely fail to watch an educational film. Mind you, nothing scandalous happens-- they just sit there, while Bella hyperventilates a bit over how much having the lights off makes her want to snog Edward. Finally-- after what seems like an eternity of Bella describing how much she wants to snog Edward-- Biology ends, gym rolls around, and since Bella is apparently so epically bad at sports that no one will come near her, Mike (remember Mike?) offers to be Bella's badminton teammate, once again reminding us that there are several perfectly acceptable minor characters that Bella just can't pay attention to when Edward is within a few miles (or has smiled recently). On the ride home, Bella points out that it's 'later', hearkening back to the lunchroom conversation of Chapter Ten (wherein she asked whether she could see Edward hunt, and he said no, and she asked why, and he said he'd tell her later). Edward cedes that it is in fact 'later', then explains that when hunting, vampires 'govern with their senses', 'lose control', and a few other phrases evocative of the end of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Soon, the car ride is over, then very little happens until the car ride the next morning. Edward picks Bella up for school and promptly announces that it's his turn to ask questions... and he does, for the rest of the chapter. He spends the entire school day and the ride home asking every trivial question he can think of, then sits in Bella's driveway for several hours and asks more. When he realizes that Charlie is almost home, he says goodnight and starts to leave, then stops, says something about 'another complication', and leaves very abruptly (yes, it was that convoluted). Even Bella is a bit confused, especially when Jacob Black and his father Billy (of former-truck-owner fame) then pull up into her driveway. End of chapter. NOTE-- I can't be sure, but I think this may be Smeyer's first attempt at a cliffhanger.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward reads Mike's mind after gym class to find out just how spastic Bella is. Bella quickly figures that out, then throws a hissy. Just figured I'd mention it, in case anyone's counting hissies. I've lost count.

2. Bella's favorite stone is topaz, because it's the color of Edward's eyes (pshawwwwww). I don't know which flowers she prefers because apparently, Smeyer couldn't come up with a sappy enough response to merit writing it down.

3. This chapter was too bloody uninteresting for there to be anything else notable.

INTENSITY OF EDWARDS STARE-- it burrrrrrrrns...

Chapter Two (in which the plot doesn't thicken, but the horde of doting boys does))

On to Chapter Two, in which Bella immediately finds herself caught between two men. No, not Edward and Jacob. I mean Mike Who's From California and Knows What the Sun Is, vying for Bella's attention against Eric the Bad-Skinned Overly Helpful Chess Club Nerd. Team Mike, anyone?

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella finally notices that she has friends, and she begins to settle into life at Forks High School. After the Edward Cullen Affair of Chapter One, however, she is both relieved and distressed (I don't get it, either) to find that he is absent from school. Edward ends up being absent for the rest of the school week, which means ample, neurotic musing from Bella. In essence, she's afraid that Edward hates her so much that he has dropped out of school, but she also kind of hopes that he's dropped out of school so she won't have to deal with him hating her that much. Mike (remember Mike?) continues to overshadow Eric (remember Eric?) in being overly friendly, which also stresses Bella out. Apparently, Bella can't abide men who clearly don't hate her. Finally, Edward returns to school after a nice frolic in the snow (I kid you not). Bella is terrified at the prospect of being stuck with him in Biology, but then he's very polite and asks her all sorts of prying questions, which she answers, overcome by his pasty charms and his crooked smile (oh, that crooked smile). Through Edward's nosiness, we now know that Bella is in Forks because her mom remarried a guy named Phil, who plays minor league ball rather poorly and moves around a lot. So, Bella left in order that her mom could be happy and move around with Phil the Not Very Good Ball Player. At any rate, class ends, Bella goes to PE and whines about having to participate, then she heads home. Not much else happens... oh, except Edward stares at her a whole flaming lot.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. At some point in the chapter, Bella reads Wuthering Heights. For those who don't know, it's a love story between psychotic people. Isn't unintentional foreshadowing fun?

2. Edward has intimidatingly neat handwriting and a 'soft, enchanting laugh'. Just sayin'.

3. Once Edward starts acting like a more composed individual, Bella notices that his eyes are now a dark gold-ish color. Previously, when he was being a complete nutter, his eyes were black. I believe this validates my theory. Black eyes=dilated pupils. Bad acid trip. Yo Gabba Gabba in G major happened. Yep.

4. Bella's father can't cook anything but bacon and eggs. Now we know why everyone in this book is dead.