Epilogue (or, Chapter Twenty-Five)

Apologies for the delay, toastyreaders, but seeing as I can no longer stave off the second Twilight book with wonderful excuses like, 'If I don't read the entire Harry Potter series again before the next movie, Molly Weasley might avada kedavra my sorry bum,' I can therefore no longer avoid commenting on the oozy, should-be-unnecessary blat of Shmeyerrhea that the author has gone and called an 'epilogue', presumably so it can squelch about happily in delusions of its own importance. And so, with no more ado... the final bits of Twilight.

NOT-QUITE-CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Edward shoves a thoroughly dolled-up Bella into the ol' silver Volvo, and she spends more than three pages figuring out what was painfully obvious within a few sentences (or within the first few chapters of the book, if you've been paying attention)-- Edward has duped her into going to the prom. Once she realizes what he's up to, she makes a grand fuss, but he quickly smolders her into submission. They arrive at the prom, and Edward quiets Bella's protests of supreme clumsiness by allowing her to stand on his feet while he shows off his 100-year-old dancing skills. Jacob Black shows up out of nowhere and cuts in, then explains with much embarrassment that Billy bribed him to come to the dance and ask Bella to 'please' dump Edward. He hesitantly adds, emphasizing the 'Godfather'-esque absurdity of the situation, that Billy also said to inform Bella 'we'll be watching'. They share an awkward laugh, then Smooth Eddie cuts back in and whisks Bella outside to gaze sappily into the moon. He explains that he's forced her to go to prom because he wants her to have a normal human life, even if she's with him. Normally, this would seem a touch sadistic, as he's basically telling her she deserves the same miserable high school experience everyone else gets to have, but remember that this is the Shmeyerverse-- everyone loves Bella and tries their best to make her life perfect, and anyone who doesn't has death or, at the very least, obscurity to look forward to. Bella confesses that she had initially hoped Edward had changed his mind and was going to turn her after all (because in the event of an excruciating three-day-long transformation, one should always look one's best), then in spite of Edward's protests, she insists that she really, really wants to be a vampire. Ed makes a great show of leaning in and heaving great stalker-breaths on her throat for a few seconds before he pulls back and coyly tells her 'no'. However, he recovers by saying some wildly smarmy things about 'love' and 'forever', then slobbers romantically on Bella's neck. The end.

And now, in the spirit of this monstros--ehem, book, it's time to talk about feelings.

THE IMP.TOAST OVERVIEW OF TWILIGHT--

I hate this book even more than I expected to, and with good reason-- nothing should be as poorly-worded, riddled with infuriating characters, and downright nauseating as this soggy little yarn. There are many dreadful things that can be said about Twilight, but many of them have already been said by bigger experts and better wordsmiths, so I'm simply going to express my opinion of the book, with a steaming pile of literary imagery:

Imagine being trapped at a summer camp where the climate is terrible, the weather is always the opposite of what you want it to be, and most enjoyable diversion available is getting so lost in the woods that you wander aimlessly for three or four days, fighting off the occasional rabid squirrel, before stumbling upon camp again. The camp counselors don't notice when you get back; they're all successful lobotomy patients who spend their time discussing sports that they're barely aware of. Your bunkmates are all wildly narcissistic, but simultaneously have low self-esteem to the point of being psychologically unstable. They spend every waking moment creating unnecessary drama out of thin air, and at least one of them cannot communicate without violent hyperbole. There is one toilet in camp, and it consists of a shallow hole in the ground that is invariably filled with strange and terrifying fluids that should never come out of a human body.

You and your bunkmates live in that toilet.

That toilet is Twilight.

Chapter Twenty-Four (In which things could have been wrapped up quickly, but then Shmeyer would've had to stop writing)

Well, toastyreaders, we've finally reached the last chapter. Don't get excited just yet, though-- a soggy epilogue is close on its heels.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella wakes up in the hospital to find Edward sitting in the corner, pretending to nap. He informs her, among other other things, that her mother is off getting coffee and will be back soon. When Bella asks how her vamp-related injuries were explained to her mother, he responds that they're saying she fell down two flights of stairs and out of a window (what's important to note is that Bella is so egregiously bad at basic physical functions that at this point, no one has a problem believing she's capable of such a tumble). The subject of James also comes up--finally--but gets brushed aside with the explanation that Emmett and Jasper 'took care of him'. Alice saw the tape of the incident, including James' long-winded exposition, and therefore knows all about her hitherto-mysterious past. At this point in the proceedings, Bella's mum returns and tells Bella that Phil (formerly known as the Not Very Good Ball Player) has been signed to a team after all, so now they get to settle down in Jacksonville, and Bella can come live with them in the heat and sunshine; however, Bella, much to the surprise of hardly anyone, insists that she's changed her mind and wants to stay in Forks, despite how much she previously raved otherwise. After a bit more fussing and whatnot, Mom takes off for some forgettable reason, and Edward tells Bella in a bit of a roundabout way that she should go live with her mother, 'somewhere he can't hurt her'. Bella, as per usual, goes completely nuts. Edward tries to call the nurse to sedate her, but Bella insists that he's just trying to leave her forever and makes him swear he'll stay. Once he's assured her he won't leave, Bella incites another argument about how he could have just let her turn into a vampire, and thus wouldn't have to worry about accidentally damaging her. The conversation gets Edward a bit huffy, especially when Bella guesses that the reason for Ed and Alice's tension--Alice has had a vision in which Bella is a vampire. Finally, Bella lets Edward order more sedatives and pain meds for her, after he's promised not to leave for the 87th time.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. While Edward is pretending to nap, Bella's mum comments that he never leaves. We've noticed that, too. Bella shouldn't be so bleeding worried about him leaving-- if anything, she should tell him to once in a while.

2. To collaborate the story of Bella's two-staircases-and-a-window incident, it's mentioned that Alice very enthusiastically fabricated evidence at the hotel where it's supposed to have happened. I would much rather have read a chapter about that.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- It's not going anywhere. It promises.

Chapter Twenty-Three (In which not many pages are spent giving not much information, and the book lets us down even harder than we thought it would)

We've finally found it-- the shortest chapter in the whole sodding book. That being said, it's not terribly informative, and it reads as if Shmeyer suddenly remembered she had a pint of ice cream waiting in the fridge and thus couldn't be bothered to properly tell us what happened in the mirror room.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter kicks off with Bella assuring herself that she must be dead, because she hears an angel. The 'angel' turns out to be Edward--painfully obvious, since we're (unwillingly) in the Shmeyerverse, and thus Edward is the only being who could ever merit a word like 'angel', as he has so many times in this book already. Not only is the bit wildly unnecessary, it reads like the worst of pick-up lines. At any rate, as Bella comes to, she hears Edward flipping his sparkly lid as Mr. Dr. Cullen assesses her injuries-- a broken leg here, some cracked ribs there--and they finally notice she's been bitten on the hand. Bella whines about her burning boo-boo while Edward and Alice have a nice, angsty spat about what's to be done; Mr. Dr. Cullen interrupts and proposes that Edward try to suck the venom out, which sends Edward into a tizzy of angst and self-doubt. He wastes so much time commenting on his emotional tailspin that you can almost feel a noxious musical number about to happen, but he's yanked back into the thin line of the story by Mr. Dr. Cullen's insistence that he has to act quickly. Edward sucks it up (PUN) and sucks the the venom out of Bella's hand. The burning sensation recedes with it, and Bella passes out in Edward's arms.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Despite his importance leading into the chapter, James is entirely absent--it seems Shmeyer is so astoundingly unable to write a bit of action that she's unceremoniously stricken him from the story, in lieu of writing a coherent narrative. The only allusion to James' part in the whole messy business (presumably) is the passing mention of a faint gasoline smell.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- In short, Edward sucks.

Chapter Twenty-Two (In which Bella actually does something)

Well, toastyreaders, here's another woefully lengthy chapter that demands an over-long summary. However, if you read the whole thing, you'll be rewarded, and someone will beat the flaming snot out of Bella.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella returns to the front room to find Alice mid-vision. Jasper, who's just returned from checking out of the hotel, asks what she saw, to which Alice dazedly replies 'Bella'. She then shakes it off and says it was nothing new, but Bella realizes the jig is up and Alice knows what she's going to do. There's a tense drive to the airport, wherein Alice and Bella make stunted conversation to cover the fact that Alice knows and Bella knows Alice knows (let's not forget that Jasper now knows, and can probably sense that Bella knows that they both know...). At any rate, when they get to the airport, Bella announces she's going to get 'breakfast' and takes Jasper with her instead of Alice so that she can pull the ol' Ladie's Bathroom Trick-- Jasper, a dude, has to wait outside the bathroom, so Bella leaves through the other exit and makes a run for it. Once again, Jasper and Alice have to sacrifice their established intelligence and act monumentally thick for a few moments so that Bella can have a cunning bit. Once Bella gets outside, she snatches a cab from a nice, 'tired' couple and throws some money and her mum's address at the driver, then spends the duration of the ride lost in a nauseatingly soggy daydream about Edward. Her reverie is broken (huzzah!) when the cabbie asks her to confirm the address, then dumps her at her mother's house. She follows James' directions and calls the number he's left next to the phone, at which point he tells her to go to the dance studio. You may be wondering about all this runaround when we--and practically every character in this book--have known for a while that Bella's going to end up at the dance studio, but realize that James doesn't know that we know and she knows and they know. Shmeyer, with her (alleged) degree in English literature, has invoked the idea of third-person omniscience in a first-person book and beaten us over the head with a Useful Fact to be Used Later so that even the dullest among us can feel prescient. Anyway, after some dreary and forgettable reminiscing about life, Bella trips her way to the dance studio and bursts through the doors, only to find that her mother's voice was just the VCR playing all along (you may recall that I mentioned the VCR wreaked of trap-iness a chapter or two ago... Shmeyer clearly didn't give my third-person omniscience its due credit). James then shows up to gloat about the fact that he was able to trap her with the clever use of a VCR (hell, that he was able to USE a VCR), and promptly begins monologuing--the cardinal sin of villains, yes, but he's doing it properly. Monologuing is a problem when you have a frayed bungee-cord loosely wrapped around Batman and you wax poetic about world domination with your back turned, but when you're staring down the world's clumsiest damp sock of a character and she has nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no backup, exposition has never been more fun. And at first, it is-- with his delightfully twisted politeness and friendly demeanor, James is probably the most interesting thing in this book so far. He's a top bloke, despite how he wants to eat Bella--scratch that, ESPECIALLY since he wants to eat Bella--until he goes a little too far with the exposition. At first, he's just setting up a camera to film dinner, saying how this was all too easy and he wants Edward to come after him to make things fun, but then he starts going on about his previous exploits and suddenly we've got Alice's entire mysterious back-story hurled at us from heaven-knows-where. It seems this has all happened before-- back in the 1920's, a vampire was in love with a girl who was institutionalized for having visions, and to save her from James, the vamp broke the girl out of the loony bin and turned her vampy, too. She was James' only target to have ever escaped, so in revenge he killed the vampire who turned her, and somehow Bella deduces that the girl was Alice. James then briefly dwells on the irony that he's taking Bella from the Cullens, but they still get the only prey he's ever lost. Finally, he decides to get on with things; he circles, Bella tries to run, and he kicks her into a few mirrors and breaks her leg before she realizes she's bleeding and hopes he can't toy with her much more before killing her--the best ending of any chapter so far? I think so.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. James mentions that Bella's lack of self-preservational skills is interesting. If he'd had to read about every instance of her tripping, falling, dropping things, running into doors, and generally failing at life, I'm willing to bet he'd rethink that statement.

2. While going through Alice's backstory and whatnot, James mentions that she smelled even better than Bella. He then apologizes and assures Bella she has a very nice smell. What an oddly charming bastard.

3. After being little more than a topic of conversation the last few chapters, James is finally being interesting-- which means Shmeyer's going to kill him off very, very soon. Things that steal the spotlight from Bella aren't allowed to live (other characters' intelligence, for example).

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Wonderfully absent this chapter. Wherever it is, though, God forbid it makes for a more enjoyable read-- then Shmeyer might have to blind Ed for the remainder of the series.

Chapter Twenty-One (or, Nothing Interesting Happens in a Hotel Room, Pt 2)

(Or, Please Oh Please Oh Please Someone Get Me Out of This Hotel Room)

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Still confined to the hotel room, Bella wakes up early again and wanders into the front room for no real reason. There, Alice is sketching a new room from a new vision. Bella recognizes it as a room in her mother's house, prompting Alice to immediately call the good Mr. Dr. and company. Bella hyperventilates for a bit, resisting Jasper's attempts to calm her down-- he's had to so many times over the last three chapters, she seems to have built up a tolerance. Alice hangs up and tells Bella Edward is coming to get her so he can hide her elsewhere, throwing Bella into another rant about how her protection is putting everyone in danger, and that they can't possibly protect everyone she cares about forever (which is debatable, since she's only shown evidence of giving a flaming flip about maybe three people in this book). She storms off to her room and curls up in the fetal position for several hours--yes, the fetal position, for several hours. Shmeyer wrote that. I kid you not. Anyway, Alice's phone rings, and Bella wanders into the front room again because even she can sense that this book isn't going anywhere without its frail, newly-discovered plot. Alice informs her that Ed's plane is landing in a few hours, at which point the phone rings again and everyone acts very surprised. Upon answering, Alice hands Bella the phone, saying it's her mother calling back. Bella answers the phone, and her relief at hearing her mother's voice quickly turns to horror when James gets on and explains how Bella has to somehow get away from Alice and Jasper, go to her mother's house, and call the number he leaves by the phone-- provided that Bella doesn't want something dicey to happen to Mum. After hanging up, Bella sits on her bed, resigning herself to the idea that she has to die with a whirlwind monologue evocative of all the worst bits of angst-ridden high school poetry. She then realizes that she'll also never see Edward again, and the angst-ologue starts anew. Bella returns to the front room and asks Alice if she'll take a letter to Bella's mom's house for her; Alice agrees. Bella then writes a letter to Edward instead, in which her angst reiterates itself, then wallows in its own self-pity before beating itself to death with a sorrowful farewell.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. They're still stuck in the hotel room, did I mention? I'm sure I did, but Shmeyer brings it up so VERY many times that I felt everyone should hear it again. By the way, they're still stuck in a hotel room.

2. After the previous chapter and now this one, I feel as if I'M stuck in a hotel room with Bella, and that's one of the very last places I ever want to be. I'd really like to kill her now. Team James, anyone?

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- not in the chapter once again, so let's modify this section:

INTENSITY OF MY BOREDOM WITH THIS CHAPTER-- aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuughhhhh... {as I claw madly at my own head in a desperate attempt to free my brain from Shmeyer's prose}

Chapter Twenty (In which nothing interesting happens in a hotel room)

In reading back over previous posts, I'm realizing that my summaries are slowly growing more embittered and snarky. It seems Twilight is hastening my metamorphosis into my true form... in five years or less, I may very well be a disaffected and dry-humored British food critic.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella wakes up in a hotel room. She's confused (surprise!), but then remembers the ride to Phoenix. Alice comes in and tells Bella she ordered food for her, so they go into the front room where Jasper is watching TV. For some reason that isn't well-articulated, Bella asks her vamp babysitters what's wrong. Alice assures her that nothing is wrong, they're just waiting for Mr. Dr. Cullen to call with news, but Bella doesn't believe her and starts freaking out about not hearing from the others. Jasper uses his happy-hoodoo powers to calm her down yet again, prompting me to wonder why he hasn't just set himself to 'calm Bella down' mode for the last three chapters. Later in the afternoon, Bella tries and fails to take a nap, so she ends up talking to Alice about the mechanics of vampire transformation. Alice points out that Edward will be very angry if she tells Bella, but she shares the theory anyway-- it seems vampires are venomous, so if their incapacitated prey isn't killed, the venom spreads and turns the victim vampy. I find it amusing that she keeps saying they're unsure about the 'theory'--they know that's how it happens. It seems pretty straightforward. Anyway, Alice suddenly jumps up, saying something's changed. Jasper sits her back down and interrogates her; she describes a mysterious, long room with a wood floor and walls covered in mirrors, and a gold bar of some sort running across the mirrors (y'know, like a dance studio... EXACTLY like a dance studio). She says it's too dark to see where it is (maybe it's a DANCE STUDIO), but James is there, and somewhere in a dark room there's a VCR playing. Now, I can't speak for everyone, but in my mind, this sounds rather like a trap. However, Alice, Jasper, and Bella continue to be confused about the whole mess, but before their mystical musing can get much further, the phone rings and Mr. Dr. Cullen tells them what they already know about James not being not in the mystery room anymore (if that sentence confused you, God help you if you ever try to read this book). Edward gets on the phone to talk to Bella, and some pancreas-destroying saccharine dialogue is exchanged. After the phone call, the hotel group goes back to being bored and sitting around. Alice starts sketching out the room from her vision, and ultimately it takes Bella to identify it as a dance studio. I'm not sure if I've properly communicated how dumb Alice and Jasper have seemed in this chapter, but it's a testament to Shmeyer's writing and the absolute damp-sock-ishness of Bella's character that, to have Bella do or say anything intelligent, everyone else in the scene has to behave in a staggeringly stupid manner. At any rate, Bella says the studio looks like the one where she took ballet lessons as a child (yet no humorous, accident-laden flashback-- suppressing some memories there, Shmeyer?). The studio is only a few blocks from her mother's place, and suddenly everyone realizes that this is a potential problem. Bella calls her mom's house and leaves a voicemail, begging her to call back as soon as she gets the message. Then, the excitement is over, and they all go back to sitting around the hotel room.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella wakes up at 3 AM, then spends the rest of the chapter complaining about what a long day it is.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Ed's only appearance in this chapter is over the phone, so we can only assume that his eyes glisten with the smarm of 1000 Kodak moments.

Chapter Nineteen (In which the entire Universe changes course to revolve around Bella)

In this chapter, helpless, hopeless, whiny-pining Bella has a plan that actually works. Any credibility or consistency this book has had is quickly leaking out of the holes in the plot.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The Cullens take Bella to her house, where Bella puts her plan into effect by storming around her house flailing and pretending to be mad at Edward. She tells Charlie she can't stay in Forks another minute, packs a bag, and storms out, giving her dad the same line that her mother apparently gave when she left. It has the desired effect, and Charlie stays behind, looking dejected. Bella gets in her truck, where Edward is waiting, and they speed off toward the Cullen's house. Edward confirms that Tracker James is following them away from Charlie's and explains to Bella that the Cullen's attempts to protect her make her a more exciting target (since she hasn't already complained about their protection enough). Emmett and Alice show up, and once the truck gets to the Cullen's, Emmett grabs Bella and runs her into the house 'like a football', presumably so that Shmeyer can remind us once again that she's heard of sports. Inside, the family is waiting with Laurent (remember Laurent?), who goes on for a while about how strong, powerful, and relentless (and sexy, and dreamy, and perfect) James is. Laurent bears the Cullens no ill will, but he doesn't want to fight, so he leaves, warning the Cullens not to underestimate the sparkling studliness that is James. The Cullens quickly work out a plan to sneak Bella out of the house-- Esme switches clothes with Bella to confuse her scent (after Rosalie refuses), then she leaves with Rosalie, along with a hunting party of Mr. Dr. Cullen, Emmett, and Edward. Alice and Jasper hang back and wait to sneak Bella to Phoenix. While they wait, Jasper uses his magical power of feelings and tells Bella that no matter how inadequate she feels, she's worth protecting. Aww.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. During her 'I Can't Stay in Forks Another Minute' rant, Bella says that she doesn't want to get stuck in Forks, so she can't put down any more roots. Not only does Bella hate plants, she's now afraid of becoming one.

2. Edward tells Bella that the way to kill a vampire is to tear it to shreds and burn the pieces. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that's an effect way to kill pretty much everything.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- more in tents than the entirety of the Regional Boy Scout Jamboree at 3 AM.

Chapter Eighteen (In which a plot may be trying to claw its way back from the void Shmeyer has banished it to)

Chapter eighteen--three-quarters of the way through Twilight, at last. I warn you in advance, toastyreaders, this chapter will disappoint you. True, we start to get the faintest inkling of a plot that doesn't involve Ed and Bella's snogging schedule, but we're also teased with the carrot of Bella being in mortal peril. Remember, though, that carrot is nothing but a pointy orange stick of empty promises-- not only does Bella survive the chapter, she survives three more books.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The Cullen crew casually (suspiciously casually?) stops playing ball just when the not-so-surprise vampire visitors arrive. There are three of them, and one steps forward and introduces himself to Mr. Dr. Cullen as Laurent, adding that the others are James and Victoria (two guys and a girl, in case Laurie LeFrenchpants confused you). I mention names and whatnot because these three will probably be important soon enough, and given the rate at which the story has been failing to move along, let's cross our fingers and hope they make some fast trouble. Anyhoo, Mr. Dr. Cullen and Laurent chat a bit, Laurent expresses interest in the Cullens' ability to keep a permanent residence (it would seem vampers are notoriously bad tenants), and Mr. Dr. Cullen invites the newcomers back to the house, after politely asking them not to hunt nearby for fear of blowing their cover. Just as everyone is about to head back to Chateau Cullen, a convenient breeze carries Bella's scent to James, who perks up and starts talking about snacks. Edward gets rather huffy about this, and the boys assume hostile positions and show their teeth in a somewhat-effective display of aggression. Mr. Dr Cullen insists that Bella is with their family (as does big n' beefy Emmett) and Laurent calls James off, recalling that they agreed not to hunt on the Cullens' turf. A few more lines of tension are thrown in for dramatic effect, but everyone still gets to head to the Cullen house. Alice, Emmett, and Edward announce that they're taking Bella back in the Jeep; once they all strap in, though, Bella finds out that they're actually planning to kidnap her and take her far, far away. James is apparently a 'tracker', and through Edward's handy mind-reading shtick, they've determined that he is now going to hunt Bella relentlessly (hoorah!) unless they can take her somewhere he'll never find her (booo). Bella, however, doesn't want to go anywhere. She throws a fit and demands they stop risking their cover for her (which they're really not) and that she can take care of it herself (which she absolutely can't, especially when there are twigs for her to trip over and stairs for her to fall down). When it's mentioned that James is tracking her smell, she realizes that he'll probably start at Charlie's house, where he'll probably kill Charlie. Edward and Alice argue over which of their mostly non-existent plans they should go with, when Bella pipes up with a plan of her own-- she'll go to her house, tell Charlie she's moving back to Phoenix, then leave, leading James awry. No one can come up with anything better, so they decide to go with Bella's plan, after which Alice and Jasper will take her into hiding in Phoenix while Edward and Emmett stay and try to distract James. They change course for Bella's house, while Bella contemplates whether it'd be worse to be taken away from Edward for a few days or be snacked on.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Instead of gold eyes like the Cullens', the newcomers' eyes are burgundy. Snacking on people is apparently the cheap and easy vamp equivalent of buying colored contacts.

2. There's some sort of weird tension through the whole book between Edward and Alice. It's not very well-defined--or written, for that matter--but Shmeyer keeps bringing it up, and in this chapter it causes them to argue a lot. Really, a lot, as in several pages of an uninterrupted Edward-and-Alice bicker-fest.

3. While Bella is describing a particularly sneaky part of her plan, Emmett laughs and calls her 'diabolical'. Bella is clearly a projection of Shmeyer, which means Shmeyer most likely sees herself as being diabolical. I'm starting to suspect--just a bit--that she's doing this to the world on purpose, the fiend.

Chapter Seventeen (in which baseball is more or less played)

Alright, kids... it's time for some vampire baseball. Are you ready? I'm not.

CHAPTER SUMMARY--Edward drives Bella home, but when they arrive at her house, Jacob and Billy Black are waiting on the porch. So, Edward dashes off, leaving Bella to deal with the unexpected guests. She lets Jacob and Billy in, over-emphasizing the fact that Charlie will be home much later in the hopes that they'll leave. However, Billy sends Jacob out to the car on some useless errand, then promptly confronts Bella about her relationship with Edward. In a surprising show of abrasiveness, Bella curtly insists that it's her business, and it's her business whether Charlie knows about her business. Billy reluctantly admits defeat, then comes up with whatever excuse to leave and does so. When Charlie gets home, Bella does eventually get around to telling him she has a date with Edward Cullen, at which point Charlie stages a clearly-affected display of fatherly stuffiness. But, when Edward comes to pick Bella up, he introduces himself and quickly charms the sensibility out of Charlie, as he has with practically every other person in the bleeding book. As soon as Eddie n' Chuck start to get along, though, Bella begins acting as flabbergasted as possible, presumably because the two people whose lives are supposed to revolve around her are having their own conversation. She finally herds Edward out the door, but has second thoughts about the outing when Ed directs her to the 'monster' Jeep he's borrowed from Emmett, and she has third and possibly fourth thoughts when he straps her into the off-roading harness. All that equipment, and they still end up piggy-backing most of the way to a clearing, where the rest of the Cullens are waiting and marking bases a bit too far apart (if you'll recall, they're setting up to play baseball... try to contain your excitement). Bella, who is not a vampire and has spent a good portion of the book so far reminding us that she's too clumsy to have survived to 17, hangs back to watch. She ends up talking to Esme (Ed's 'mom'), who tells her that she's glad Edward has found her, in spite of the fact that she's human. Thunder starts, and so does the game. For anyone who has either lived in hermitage for the past ten years (if you exist, I can hardly blame you) or is otherwise unaware of 'vampire baseball', I'll explain-- vampires hit baseballs so hard that it sounds like thunder (but apparently not hard enough to break the bats and balls) and they have to put the bases very far apart because they hit it so far. Whether or not they play with special heavy-duty equipment isn't addressed; in fact, Shmeyer has so much obvious disdain for all things athletic that she can't seem to write an adequate baseball scene. Luckily for her, the game is quickly interrupted by Alice's sensing of the vampires she foresaw visiting (remember them?). Edward uses his handy mind-reading ability and adds that they heard the game and want to join. After debating whether it's too dangerous to stick around with Bella and whether they could leave before the others show up, they decide to keep casually playing and waiting for the mystery guests.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. After the piggy-back ride, Bella lets go off Edward and plops onto her bum, getting a bit of dirt and a few twigs on her pants. Since these things are plant-related (and we know how Bella feels about plants), she freaks out, causing Edward to laugh. Bella responds by becoming irrationally angry and trying to storm off in the opposite direction, which would get her lost in the woods. In other words, she does everything wrong here.

2. While the Cullens are preparing for the game, Edward runs up to Bella and Esme, 'sparkling with excitement'. Edward seems to have harnessed the power of the sun.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- He has harnessed the power of mighty Helios! Feel the awesome power of his smolder!

Chapter Sixteen (which begins in the 1600's, and ends in despair)

So, remember how I said this chapter might be interesting? It was... for about half a page. See below for the (blessedly) abridged version.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter begins with Edward telling Bella Mr. Dr. Cullen's backstory: the good Mr. Dr. was born in the 1600's, to an overzealous creature-hunting priest of a father. When his father pressed him into carrying on the business, the future Mr. Dr.'s compassion made him more discerning than his dad, who was a bit of an equal-opportunity prick. He eventually found a real coven of vamps, who in turn attacked him. To save himself from the rest of the hunting party, he hid himself for several days, until he discovered he'd turned vampy himself. Deeply distressed by his condition, he tried to kill himself and eventually tried to starve himself, until in his weakened state he attacked some deer and thereby discovered he could survive without killing humans. He integrated back into society and started studying constantly, finding his penance in the world of medicine. He stayed in Italy for a while with some nice, 'cultured' vampires, but they differed over food sources, so he left for the New World. There he grew rather lonely; during the Spanish influenza outbreak, he found Edward and decided to try to save him by turning him. And, of course, the chapter gets very Ed-centric from here on out. It seems Edward became rebellious at some point and left to try people-eating-- only bad people, he assures Bella-- but soon returned to Mr. Dr. Cullen (and now, Esme) and his 'vegetarian' lifestyle. Back to the present-- Edward trails off with his history lesson and tugs Bella through the house to his room, where he shows her his classy decorating and obscenely extensive music collection. While they're snuggling as usual, Alice pokes her head in and says there's a thunderstorm coming, so Emmett wants to play ball. She insists that Edward and Bella both come along, and that presumably brings us to the infamous vampire baseball chapter. Oh, joy.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. To conceal himself from the rest of the vampire-hunting party after being attacked, Mr. Dr. Cullen apparently hid himself in a pile of rotting potatoes for three days. Really, Shmeyer? 1600's London didn't have any better hidey-holes?

2. Edward likes 50's music, hates music from the 60's and 70's, and calls the 80's 'tolerable'. Not only does this make me like him even less, it makes me wonder what he looked like when he was trying to blend in with the 'new wave' crowd.

3. According to the parameters laid out in #2, when asked whether he prefers the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, Edward's answer would be 'NO'. See? Now you hate him, too.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Second only to the intensity of his totally choice 'Flock of Seagulls' haircut.

Chapter Fifteen (which I would refer to as 'Family Matters', but then people might expect humor)

It should be pointed out that, since the meadowy frolics, Edward can't keep his hands off Bella (not to mention his sniffer). Luckily, this is the chapter where he takes her home to meet he fam, so he keeps his hands to himself... mostly.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella wakes up and is ecstatic to find that Edward stayed the whole night--it seems he spent most of the night sitting in the corner, watching her sleep. If I woke up to a guy sitting in my room staring at me, I'm pretty sure my immediate reaction wouldn't be elation, but I must admit I've never been in such a situation and will therefore reserve my judgement. Anyhoo, Edward then shows his sensitivity to Bella's human condition by reminding her to eat breakfast (hear that, twi-tards? Edward likes a lady wif some brekkie in her. Eat some damn cereal!), at which point he asks if she'd like to spend the day meeting his family. She agrees, then spends a good while fussing over her outfit. They finally make it out the door and drive through the woods to his house, which is a very nice house with a very nice outside and some very nice trees and a nice big glass wall. There, Edward introduces Bella to his parents, Carlisle (Mr. Dr. Cullen) and Esme, who are also very nice. Alice (remember Alice?) comes running in and greets Bella enthusiastically. Bella also meets Jasper, whose special vampire power is basically charisma. The other two members of the Cullen crew, Emmett and Rosalie, are noticeably absent--as Edward explains to Bella, Rosalie is paranoid about anyone outside the family knowing the truth, not to mention a bit jealous that Bella is human. He also warns her that he might be overprotective (really? noooooo...) during the next week or two, since Alice forsees other vampires visiting Forks soon (Alice, it might as well be pointed out, can see the future). At some point, Mr. Dr. Cullen's backstory comes up, and is apparently the focus of the next chapter. It actually sounds kind of interesting-- at least, compared to the drivel that is the entirety of the book so far-- so, fingers crossed.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward is ratted out by his mum as being very musical. She makes him play piano for Bella, at which point we learn that vampy speed and agility lets one duet with oneself.

2. While assuring her that she looks wonderful in the umpteenth outfit she's tried on, Edward kisses Bella. She faints. Wow.

3. Alice greets Bella with a hug and kiss on the cheek, then adds that 'she does smell nice'. Apparently, when Edward was describing his new girlfriend to the family, 'smells good' was toward the top of the list.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- threat level sparkle.

Chapter Fourteen (in which a 108-year-old guy stalks a 17-year-old girl, yet nothing seems amiss)

I tried rugby last night, and it was a lot of fun. Then I read Chapter Fourteen, and it was no fun at all. Today, I'm suffering for both. Oh, well... at least the sore muscles will go away eventually.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- On the ride home from the meadowy frolics of Chapter Thirteen, Edward listens to some 50's music, prompting Bella to ask how old he really is. He admits that he was born in 1901 and was turned vampy in 1918 in lieu of dying from Spanish influenza. He goes on to explain how and when each of his 'family' members were turned, and we get some back story on the Cullen clan that I quite frankly don't care enough about to regurgitate here (if it's important, it'll come up later). When they get to Bella's house, Edward asks to come in-- polite, until he whips out the hidey-key that he shouldn't know about and unlocks the door himself. Bella is understandably a bit shocked and asks if Edward has been spying on her. Yes, of course, he was 'curious' about her before and wanted to observe her, but upon further questioning Edward admits that he comes to the house every night and watches her sleep. Bella is then understandably appalled, especially when Edward tells her she's interesting to watch because she talks in her sleep. He quickly assures her that she's never said anything embarrassing, but their conversation is cut short by Charlie getting home. Edward slips away, but when Bella heads up to her room, he's waiting on her bed, clearly liberated by the admission that he's there every night anyway. Bella is through having understandable reactions at this point, so she snuggles up with him, and they talk about a few more pointless things before she drifts off to sleep.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. In Edward's exposition on his family back story, we find out that his sister Alice woke up alone with no memory of her previous life or who turned her, along with the standard vampiric enhancement of strength/agility/etc and some funky premonitions... Resident Evil 2, anyone?

2. Edward admits that he was always extremely jealous when Mike and co. were flirting with Bella, going so far as to call Mike 'odious'. You know a man's really jealous when he starts breaking out the five-dollar words.

3. Do you listening to any music from the 50's or 60's? My lord, you must be old. Like, 100 at least.

4. Edward tells Bella she smells like a tasty, tasty flower.

5. According to Edward's account of what Bella talks about in her sleep, even her subconscious hates plants.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- currently set to 'gorgon'.

Chapter Thirteen (or, Love Frolics in a Scenic Meadow)

So, the last chapter left us eagerly anticipating what happens to Edward in the sunlight. He's assured Bella that he won't spontaneously combust, but what then? Will he swoon and/or projectile vomit? Will he suddenly burst into flora like a chia pet? Will he become the sort of proper gent who likes sleeves on his collared shirts? Places your bets now, then read on for the exciting conclusion to this minor cliffhanger!

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- He sparkles. I have to say, if I hadn't known ahead of time, I don't think I would have handled it well. [Vampires + sunlight = sparkle] could have been the equation that put me over the edge and prompted me to chuck the book down the stairs, followed closely by a string of inspired profanity. However, I do not live under a large rock and therefore do hear things that the rest of the world hears, so I was prepared for the sparkly bits. What I wasn't prepared for was the rest of this hideous chapter-- twenty-five nauseating pages of tentative romance. After Edward shows off his glittering abs, there's a lot of laying around in a meadow, awkwardly caressing each other's hands for the first time. Bella gets a whiff of Edward's sexy breath and starts to lean in for a kiss, which propels Edward into a freak-out. He runs around the clearing, ripping up trees and generally demonstrating how hopeless it would be for Bella to fight back if she tried. Then, as suddenly as his fit started, he calms down and returns to sitting about in the meadow, where he says some very smarmy things, like how Bella is the 'most important thing to him ever' and so on. Most of the chapter is spent in a sort of weird cuddling exercise-- Edward is worried about losing control around Bella and has almost completely avoided physical contact up until this point, so he uses up pages upon pages getting used to touching her. Mind you, it's not as steamy as it sounds. There isn't a thing in this chapter scandalous enough to make the most repressed Victorian spinster blush, although the writing might be adequately awful to provoke even her to a rousing cry of 'Bollocks!' and a hearty heave of the offending book. Anyway, nothing of note happens during the G-rated love-fest in the meadow, and eventually they start back down the trail. Edward insists on giving Bella a piggy-back ride through the woods, which turns out to be a breakneck bullet-train-from-hell sort of affair (she can't handle him driving over the speed limit, but this should be fine for her, yeah?). Due to traveling by Ed-rocket, they get back to the car very quickly, and another page or so is taken up by Shmeyer's need to make sure we grasp just how woozy the experience has made Bella. She finally composes herself, but Edward decides to make matters woozier and attempts to kiss her. The moment starts out cautiously (understandable), but Bella gets a taste of the sexy breath, and suddenly she's gripping his head and trying to suck his face off (and this whole time we were worried about Edward losing control). Edward cuts that business short, but it goes more smoothly on the second attempt, and Bella is so overwhelmed by competent kissing that Edward has to drive.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella tells Edward that she'd rather die than stay away from him. Oh, if only.

2. While trying to explain the effect Bella has on him, Edward says that she's his brand of heroin. Does that means he's her brand of cold medicine? Or would that be Jacob, since she uses him gratuitously?

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Is Edward's dad a thief? 'Cuz someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in his eyes... then decided that was an acceptable substitute for a plot.

Chapter Twelve (in which nothing is more important than the knowledge that we're halfway there)

Ah, Chapter Twelve-- after this, we're officially halfway through this 24-chapter monstrosity! In honor of this glorious achievement, I'd like to take a moment to briefly review the important things that have happened so far.

Ha ha, just kidding. Nothing important has happened so far.

And now, on to the final obstacle between us and the halfway point-- the twelfth chapter. Be warned, toasties... this chapter drags on for what seems like an eternity. While reading, I honestly started to believe it would never end. At any rate, I'll try to make it as painless as possible-- the key term being 'as possible'.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter kicks off with Charlie pulling up to the house, soon after Jacob and Billy Black. Billy and Charlie head off to the living room to watch some sort of sporting event on TV, while Jacob tails Bella into the kitchen. Conversation ensues, and since Bella is involved, Edward quickly becomes the topic. We learn that Billy and Charlie have argued about the Cullens in the past-- Charlie appreciates Mr. Dr. Cullen's contribution to society, while Billy holds the more traditional belief that they're dangerous (or rather, vampires). Anyhoo, Jacob and Billy leave before anything else of note comes up, and the next day Edward shows up as usual to take Bella to school. It's the day before the no-longer-Seattle trip, so Edward tells Bella that he's leaving after lunch to go hunting with Alice, who is apparently the most 'supportive' of his siblings. He explains that his siblings are worried that he'll lose control and attack Bella, thereby exposing the whole family. Bella then meets Alice briefly, Alice and Edward leave, and Bella goes dejectedly about the rest of the school day. That night, she's so anxious that she can't sleep, so she takes cold medicine to knock herself out--understandable, but then she spends such a long time agonizing over how bad she feels about her 'gratuitous drug use' that it's pretty much impossible not to judge her. The next day, she wakes up (disappointing), fusses over her outfit for a good long while, then meets Edward at the door. She insists on driving, so Edward directs her to a woody area, where he drags her along on a lengthy hike. Eventually, they come to a sunny clearing, where Edward makes good on his promise to show Bella what the light REALLY does to vampires. He rips open his shirt, steps out into the light, and... OMG CLIFFHANGER.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. When Edward shows up at Bella's house, his outfit pretty much matches hers. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed.

2. When they start out on the hike, Edward takes off his sweater, revealing a sleeveless, collared shirt. He buttons it down a bit. I'm now pretty sure he's the one who should be more embarrassed.

3. When Bella sees Edward in all of his sleeveless, buttoned-down glory, she is so overwhelmed by his god-like physique that she becomes incredibly distressed, almost to the point of being physically (certainly mentally) sick. She's so visibly upset that Edward gets worried and offers several times to take her home. I take it all back-- she's the one who should be more embarrassed, on account of being unable to cope with life and male musculature.

4. We're officially halfway done! Go take some gratuitous cold meds and sleep it off, kids.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- The creepiest kid from high school, exaggerated tenfold and given an endless supply of eyedrops. It's a smolder to haunt your dreams, not to mention any exposed skin.

Toast Patrol FAIL

Understand, toastyfans, that Toast Patrol is susceptible to the same poor fortune as the next awesome group of witty conversationalists. Here's an example of a toasty patrol gone wrong...

Forrest Gumption: SHUT UP WOMAN GET IN MY PORSCHE!

Pither: Forbidden

You don't have permission to access /uploads/2008/05/twilight-movie-6.jpg on this server.

toasty1: Booooooooo

toasty1: Your server sucks.

Pither: My server isn't serving.

Chapter Eleven (in which Edward asks the questions we've never wanted to ask)

Another day, another chapter-ful of Stephenie Meyer's projectile word-vomit.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Immediately following the lunchroom drama of Chapter Ten, Bella and Edward head to Biology, where they sit very close to each other in the dark and completely fail to watch an educational film. Mind you, nothing scandalous happens-- they just sit there, while Bella hyperventilates a bit over how much having the lights off makes her want to snog Edward. Finally-- after what seems like an eternity of Bella describing how much she wants to snog Edward-- Biology ends, gym rolls around, and since Bella is apparently so epically bad at sports that no one will come near her, Mike (remember Mike?) offers to be Bella's badminton teammate, once again reminding us that there are several perfectly acceptable minor characters that Bella just can't pay attention to when Edward is within a few miles (or has smiled recently). On the ride home, Bella points out that it's 'later', hearkening back to the lunchroom conversation of Chapter Ten (wherein she asked whether she could see Edward hunt, and he said no, and she asked why, and he said he'd tell her later). Edward cedes that it is in fact 'later', then explains that when hunting, vampires 'govern with their senses', 'lose control', and a few other phrases evocative of the end of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Soon, the car ride is over, then very little happens until the car ride the next morning. Edward picks Bella up for school and promptly announces that it's his turn to ask questions... and he does, for the rest of the chapter. He spends the entire school day and the ride home asking every trivial question he can think of, then sits in Bella's driveway for several hours and asks more. When he realizes that Charlie is almost home, he says goodnight and starts to leave, then stops, says something about 'another complication', and leaves very abruptly (yes, it was that convoluted). Even Bella is a bit confused, especially when Jacob Black and his father Billy (of former-truck-owner fame) then pull up into her driveway. End of chapter. NOTE-- I can't be sure, but I think this may be Smeyer's first attempt at a cliffhanger.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward reads Mike's mind after gym class to find out just how spastic Bella is. Bella quickly figures that out, then throws a hissy. Just figured I'd mention it, in case anyone's counting hissies. I've lost count.

2. Bella's favorite stone is topaz, because it's the color of Edward's eyes (pshawwwwww). I don't know which flowers she prefers because apparently, Smeyer couldn't come up with a sappy enough response to merit writing it down.

3. This chapter was too bloody uninteresting for there to be anything else notable.

INTENSITY OF EDWARDS STARE-- it burrrrrrrrns...

Chapter Ten (or, People Talk to Each Other in a High School)

Since I don't think I've brought it up yet, time for an ironic side note. IRONIC SIDE NOTE-- I draw comics. That's not the ironic bit. I'm at an art school to draw comics, and in my current class, I have to work from a script. Thus, since before I dove into this little Twilight misadventure, I've been working from the the script of 30 Days of Night. Also, at my current pace, I should have the Twilight book finished about a month from when I started reading. That's the ironic bit... just, not ironic enough to rename the whole blog '30 Days of Twilight'. END IRONIC SIDE NOTE.

On another note, here's a summary of Chapter Ten. It's not ironic at all. That would be too interesting.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The next morning (after the Port Angeles affair, that is), Edward shows up bright and early to offer Bella a ride to school. The ride is wholly uneventful, but once they get to the school, Jessica is waiting to ambush Bella with boy-chatter. There's this whole weird bit with Edward reading Jessica's mind and Bella asking him what Jessica wants to know and how she should answer, but it's convoluted and not terribly interesting, so I'll move on; at Jessica's prodding, Bella admits that she really, reeeeeeally likes Edward (blushy blush), but adds that she thinks she likes him much more than he likes her. Afterwards, she heads to lunch and sits with Edward, who was listening in to Jessica's thoughts. He's upset that Bella thinks he doesn't like her as much as she likes him, and they spend the better part of lunch arguing over who cares about who more (awww...). Finally, the conversation moves along, and he asks if she really wants to go to Seattle on the day of the dance (remember Seattle?) or if she'd be up for doing something else. Romantic sap that she is, Bella just wants to be with Eddums, so she agrees to whatever. The conversation moves along one more time, with Bella asking about Edward's hunting habits. He explains a bit about bare-handed vampire-style hunting, his favorite snack being mountain lion, etc. When Bella off-handedly asks if she could see him hunt, he flips out (in an increasingly familiar manner) and angrily tells her no. She asks why, and eventually presses him into agreeing to tell her later. End lunch, end scene.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. This chapter once again finds Bella eating breakfast. Ladies, take note.

2. Hunting laws apparently only cover hunting with weapons. Vampires can hunt bears whenever they damn well please.

3. Due to excessive dazzle, Edward's 'smoldering thing' has now been deemed 'unfair'.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Penetrating 'liquid topaz'. Wait... what?

Chapter Nine (in which the conspiracy theorists win one for the home team)

As indicated by the end of the last chapter, this ninth chunk of book is essentially just a conversation and a car ride, during which we find out a lot about Edward and very little about anything else. Thus, the chapter summary will be rather brief, followed by a super-sized section of 'Notable Notes'. Ready? Okay! [cue sparkly pom-poms]

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Heading back to Forks in the ol' silver Volvo, Edward and Bella have a fairly Ed-centric conversation. She ends up mentioning Jacob's story, adding that she doesn't care if it's true. Edward is angry at her for endangering herself by not caring, but finally (FINALLY) admits to being a vampire. Information is shared, feelings are discussed, and moments of emotional vulnerability happen. Edward shows off his mad driving skills. He drops her off at home, promising her that he'll save her a seat at lunch. Then, as she falls asleep that night, we get to everyone's favorite dust jacket quote, which breaks down thusly-- (a) Edward is a vampire. (b) Part of him thirsts for Bella's blood. (c) Bella is unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. And with that, we kick off the...

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward is a vampire. Derp.

2. Sleeping in coffins is a myth (only bohemians do that). Actually, Edward doesn't sleep at all. He's starting to sound like the type of bloke who likes to watch girls sleep.

3. According to Edward, the sun bit is a myth, too; sunlight doesn't harm vampires at all, though Ed does add that he can't go out in the sun when people are looking.

4. The Cullen crew doesn't hunt humans. They hunt animals instead, but the temptation to nom humans is still there. Bella is a food-challenge platter of juicy hot wings to Edward's repressed, iron-deficient vegan hipster.

5. The eye thing=hunger. It seems Edward isn't experimenting with hard drugs, after all.

6. The 'dazzle' thing is still funny.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- circus fire (get it?)

Chapter Eight (in which Twilight almost goes the distance and becomes a Lifetime Original movie)

At one point in this chapter, Bella goes to a bookstore, only to discover that it's more of a hippie headshop. Through the window, she sees the friendly-looking old bat behind the counter and decides not to go in, saying that's one conversation she'd like to avoid. Of course. God forbid Bella should talk to anyone interesting. Stephenie Meyer stays well within her comfort zone in this chapter, so there's plenty of bland dialogue to go around.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella, Jessica, and Angela head off to nearby Port Angeles for dress shopping and a general girls' night out. A blessedly short amount of time is devoted to their dress decisions, shoe shopping, and accessorizing (eesh, not short enough), then Bella heads out to find a bookstore, promising to meet the others for dinner in an hour. Because Bella sucks at life, she gets lost and ends up in a sketchy bit of town, being followed by a sketchy group of guys. They corner her but, wouldn't you know it, Edward's car comes power-sliding up to the rescue, and he whisks her away to a cute little Italian restaurant. They run into Jessica and Angela (remember them?) who've already eaten, so at Edward's suggestion they leave Bella in his sparkly care and head back to Forks. He then insists that Bella get some nourishment, in spite of her protests that she's not hungry. They sit in a secluded table in the restaurant, where they talk about somewhat important but easily condensed things while Bella munches some breadsticks. Mostly, she gets him to admit that he can read everyone's mind but hers. She also gets him to admit that he followed her to Port Angeles in order to make sure she stayed safe, which is so peeping-creepy that even Bella knows she should be disturbed by it. Finally, Edward gets the check and they head to the car for more conversation, setting up what's sure to be a somewhat important but easily condensed beginning to Chapter Nine.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. We find out in this chapter that Edward has the ability to 'dazzle' people... as best as I can work out, he basically flashes them a big smile, and they're rendered useless for roughly 4-6 sentences.

2. Thus far, the only known applications of the 'dazzle' are: temporarily impairing people's motor skills, inhibiting conversation, and causing waitresses to show up far more than is necessary for the reader to know about.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- smoldazzling?

Toast Patrol

Now, toasty-friends, it's time for a new segment on the blog that I've taken to calling 'Toast Patrol'. The Great and Toasty One (that's me!) finds pictures that are in need of a right and proper mocking, then gives it to them. In celebration of my surmounting the sixth chapter (and in keeping with the Twilightiness that this blog is mired in for the forseeable future) I've picked from one of the many, many worthy pictures that Twilight-dom has to offer. Also, joining me are my esteemed colleagues, Forrest Gumption and Pither. Right then, let the mockery commence! Twilight, ye shall not escape the watchful eye of the TOAST PATROL!

imp.toast: First off, what are the two on the left looking at that no one else sees?

Forrest Gumption: Edward Pattinson's gigantic hair.

Forrest Gumption: It's like a Japanese rubber suit monster.

Pither: A better franchise.

Pither: Off in the distance.

Forrest Gumption: The guy in the back is trying his hardest not to pee himself with that thing in the room.

imp.toast: Does thrusting your chest out help you not pee?

Forrest Gumption: Obviously.

Forrest Gumption: Chest out, pee in.

Forrest Gumption: Meanwhile it looks like Edward there IS peeing himself.

Forrest Gumption: Kristen Stewart is the proof.

imp.toast: She looks entirely too calm for that.

Forrest Gumption: Remember he's cold, so she thinks he spilled a soda or something.

Pither: He has a slimey little secret.

Forrest Gumption: The horror of undead urine hasn't settled in yet.

imp.toast: This picture makes me more uncomfortable by the second.

Forrest Gumption: Where are they btw? This looks like the inside of Cerebro.

Forrest Gumption: Are they mutants?

Forrest Gumption: I mean, yes they are. But in the movie I mean!

imp.toast: No, no... it's one of those backdrops for elementary school pictures.

Pither: photoshop>filter>render>clouds

Forrest Gumption: Now, I don't want to offend anybody, but can you tell me why a small group of special young adults would all be in kindergarten together?

Forrest Gumption: It might have something to do with Eddie Pee-Pants there up front.

imp.toast: Um... I said ELEMENTARY school.

imp.toast: They're first grade, at least.

Pither: So where is the twilight?

Forrest Gumption: In the night sky.

Pither: I only see dark clouds.

Forrest Gumption: Behind them.

Forrest Gumption: Clearly.

Pither: So they're in front of the premise?

Forrest Gumption: They're.......eclipsing it.

Forrest Gumption: Yes.

Pither: AH

Pither: It's a play on words.

Pither: That's so intellivision.