Toast Patrol: Scaryfans

Just in time for New Year's, it's a new Toast Patrol! This super-special plus-sized Patrol is devoted to the only thing worse than Twilight-- the frightening people who love it.

imp.toast: Some trust falls are less trustworthy than others.

Pither: This is what I am in the sheet!

Forrest Gumption: It looks like... Woodstock.

Forrest Gumption: But instead of hippies, it's... it's... hapless.

Forrest Gumption: Hapless girls.

Pither: (hiss)

Forrest Gumption: Wait!! No, now I know... they're feeding him!

Forrest Gumption: This is the pagan ritual.

Pither: What are they feeding him?

imp.toast: Subway?

Forrest Gumption: A Subway sandwich and a non-believer!

Forrest Gumption: The camera man is dead! This is a crime scene.

imp.toast: That explains the fence in the back.

Pither: So this is what a time-out is like.

Forrest Gumption: Two things that make me sad... crammed together.

Forrest Gumption: Like a Reese's cup of depression.

Pither: She looks like Romeo longing for Juliet.

imp.toast: She looks like Romeo longing for Little Debbie.

Pither: What is she sitting on?

Pither: Oh wait, that's her tummy.

imp.toast: My question is, what is she not stalking?

Pither: Well, here's my thought... one needs to have two capable legs to stalk properly.

Pither: Hence... yeah. No stalking.

imp.toast: Ah... so if she can't stalk, NO ONE CAN.

Pither: OR, she's just really in dire need of informing the masses that she ain't doing it.

Forrest Gumption: I was unaware they made tents in "hemisphere" sizes.

Forrest Gumption: Is that a 2 liter of mayo in the cup holder?

Pither: It needs to recede into whence it came.

Forrest Gumption: This is that crab that the Chinese believe creates the tides.

Pither: She seems to be dwelling in a village of similarly-abled organisms.

Forrest Gumption: The only possible answer is that this is that arsenic-based microbe.

Pither: Jabba the Hutt is going to sloth by any minute and throw spurs at her cheeks, in wishful hopes that she will pop.

imp.toast: Then HE will be fattest in all the land!

Forrest Gumption: She's holding the tail of a defeated unicorn. So...you know, Jabba versus Unicorn Murderer.

imp.toast: How is that not an internet game?

Pither: Jabba is pitying this creature.

Pither: Even he is going, 'Jeez, you could eat AROUND the fat.'

imp.toast: I think it's important to point out that she's brought all this upon herself by being a crazy Twilight fan.

imp.toast: We're not 'fattist'.

Forrest Gumption: She's fattest.

imp.toast: Really, there's no evidence that these are Twilight fans, but the picture was labeled 'Twilight fan' and I can't help but believe it.

Forrest Gumption: oh-mum-jibay, OH-MUM-JIBAY...

Pither: Funnily enough, my first reaction was HEARTS ON FIRE, HEARTS ON FIRE...

Forrest Gumption: This man hates flesh.

Pither: LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

Forrest Gumption: I think only that child will survive the obvious mass suicide.

Pither: The boy is scarred for life and for death.

Forrest Gumption: He knows both are in danger.

Pither: This man is a problem. He seems to emanate unawares-ness.

Pither: Only the boy is even taking notice of him.

Forrest Gumption: IGNORE ME!!!!

Pither: I feel like I know all of these kids from freshman year high school...

Pither: And none of them I wanted to remember.

imp.toast: No, I think there's at least one middle-aged mom in there.

Forrest Gumption: My hope: the boy on the right loses his tongue when any random, flailing hand hits him in the jaw.

Pither: They have never seen a camera before... they want to see it with their hands.

Forrest Gumption: Many of them seem to want to poke the camera man in the eyes, three stooges style.

Pither: Look at the guy behind the guy that loses his tongue when any random flailing hand hits him in the jaw... "idunevenohowigaaahhthere..."

Forrest Gumption: The others are in an intense game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: It is a flock of geese. Such an occurence should nary take place in the game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: These people are a threat to children and family games everywhere.

Forrest Gumption: This game is way out of hand.

Forrest Gumption: Or rather... full of hands.

Pither: And deathly terrible puns.

Chapter Nineteen (In which the entire Universe changes course to revolve around Bella)

In this chapter, helpless, hopeless, whiny-pining Bella has a plan that actually works. Any credibility or consistency this book has had is quickly leaking out of the holes in the plot.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The Cullens take Bella to her house, where Bella puts her plan into effect by storming around her house flailing and pretending to be mad at Edward. She tells Charlie she can't stay in Forks another minute, packs a bag, and storms out, giving her dad the same line that her mother apparently gave when she left. It has the desired effect, and Charlie stays behind, looking dejected. Bella gets in her truck, where Edward is waiting, and they speed off toward the Cullen's house. Edward confirms that Tracker James is following them away from Charlie's and explains to Bella that the Cullen's attempts to protect her make her a more exciting target (since she hasn't already complained about their protection enough). Emmett and Alice show up, and once the truck gets to the Cullen's, Emmett grabs Bella and runs her into the house 'like a football', presumably so that Shmeyer can remind us once again that she's heard of sports. Inside, the family is waiting with Laurent (remember Laurent?), who goes on for a while about how strong, powerful, and relentless (and sexy, and dreamy, and perfect) James is. Laurent bears the Cullens no ill will, but he doesn't want to fight, so he leaves, warning the Cullens not to underestimate the sparkling studliness that is James. The Cullens quickly work out a plan to sneak Bella out of the house-- Esme switches clothes with Bella to confuse her scent (after Rosalie refuses), then she leaves with Rosalie, along with a hunting party of Mr. Dr. Cullen, Emmett, and Edward. Alice and Jasper hang back and wait to sneak Bella to Phoenix. While they wait, Jasper uses his magical power of feelings and tells Bella that no matter how inadequate she feels, she's worth protecting. Aww.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. During her 'I Can't Stay in Forks Another Minute' rant, Bella says that she doesn't want to get stuck in Forks, so she can't put down any more roots. Not only does Bella hate plants, she's now afraid of becoming one.

2. Edward tells Bella that the way to kill a vampire is to tear it to shreds and burn the pieces. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that's an effect way to kill pretty much everything.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- more in tents than the entirety of the Regional Boy Scout Jamboree at 3 AM.

Chapter Nine (in which the conspiracy theorists win one for the home team)

As indicated by the end of the last chapter, this ninth chunk of book is essentially just a conversation and a car ride, during which we find out a lot about Edward and very little about anything else. Thus, the chapter summary will be rather brief, followed by a super-sized section of 'Notable Notes'. Ready? Okay! [cue sparkly pom-poms]

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Heading back to Forks in the ol' silver Volvo, Edward and Bella have a fairly Ed-centric conversation. She ends up mentioning Jacob's story, adding that she doesn't care if it's true. Edward is angry at her for endangering herself by not caring, but finally (FINALLY) admits to being a vampire. Information is shared, feelings are discussed, and moments of emotional vulnerability happen. Edward shows off his mad driving skills. He drops her off at home, promising her that he'll save her a seat at lunch. Then, as she falls asleep that night, we get to everyone's favorite dust jacket quote, which breaks down thusly-- (a) Edward is a vampire. (b) Part of him thirsts for Bella's blood. (c) Bella is unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. And with that, we kick off the...

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward is a vampire. Derp.

2. Sleeping in coffins is a myth (only bohemians do that). Actually, Edward doesn't sleep at all. He's starting to sound like the type of bloke who likes to watch girls sleep.

3. According to Edward, the sun bit is a myth, too; sunlight doesn't harm vampires at all, though Ed does add that he can't go out in the sun when people are looking.

4. The Cullen crew doesn't hunt humans. They hunt animals instead, but the temptation to nom humans is still there. Bella is a food-challenge platter of juicy hot wings to Edward's repressed, iron-deficient vegan hipster.

5. The eye thing=hunger. It seems Edward isn't experimenting with hard drugs, after all.

6. The 'dazzle' thing is still funny.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- circus fire (get it?)