Toast Patrol: Scaryfans

Just in time for New Year's, it's a new Toast Patrol! This super-special plus-sized Patrol is devoted to the only thing worse than Twilight-- the frightening people who love it.

imp.toast: Some trust falls are less trustworthy than others.

Pither: This is what I am in the sheet!

Forrest Gumption: It looks like... Woodstock.

Forrest Gumption: But instead of hippies, it's... it's... hapless.

Forrest Gumption: Hapless girls.

Pither: (hiss)

Forrest Gumption: Wait!! No, now I know... they're feeding him!

Forrest Gumption: This is the pagan ritual.

Pither: What are they feeding him?

imp.toast: Subway?

Forrest Gumption: A Subway sandwich and a non-believer!

Forrest Gumption: The camera man is dead! This is a crime scene.

imp.toast: That explains the fence in the back.

Pither: So this is what a time-out is like.

Forrest Gumption: Two things that make me sad... crammed together.

Forrest Gumption: Like a Reese's cup of depression.

Pither: She looks like Romeo longing for Juliet.

imp.toast: She looks like Romeo longing for Little Debbie.

Pither: What is she sitting on?

Pither: Oh wait, that's her tummy.

imp.toast: My question is, what is she not stalking?

Pither: Well, here's my thought... one needs to have two capable legs to stalk properly.

Pither: Hence... yeah. No stalking.

imp.toast: Ah... so if she can't stalk, NO ONE CAN.

Pither: OR, she's just really in dire need of informing the masses that she ain't doing it.

Forrest Gumption: I was unaware they made tents in "hemisphere" sizes.

Forrest Gumption: Is that a 2 liter of mayo in the cup holder?

Pither: It needs to recede into whence it came.

Forrest Gumption: This is that crab that the Chinese believe creates the tides.

Pither: She seems to be dwelling in a village of similarly-abled organisms.

Forrest Gumption: The only possible answer is that this is that arsenic-based microbe.

Pither: Jabba the Hutt is going to sloth by any minute and throw spurs at her cheeks, in wishful hopes that she will pop.

imp.toast: Then HE will be fattest in all the land!

Forrest Gumption: She's holding the tail of a defeated unicorn. So...you know, Jabba versus Unicorn Murderer.

imp.toast: How is that not an internet game?

Pither: Jabba is pitying this creature.

Pither: Even he is going, 'Jeez, you could eat AROUND the fat.'

imp.toast: I think it's important to point out that she's brought all this upon herself by being a crazy Twilight fan.

imp.toast: We're not 'fattist'.

Forrest Gumption: She's fattest.

imp.toast: Really, there's no evidence that these are Twilight fans, but the picture was labeled 'Twilight fan' and I can't help but believe it.

Forrest Gumption: oh-mum-jibay, OH-MUM-JIBAY...

Pither: Funnily enough, my first reaction was HEARTS ON FIRE, HEARTS ON FIRE...

Forrest Gumption: This man hates flesh.

Pither: LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

Forrest Gumption: I think only that child will survive the obvious mass suicide.

Pither: The boy is scarred for life and for death.

Forrest Gumption: He knows both are in danger.

Pither: This man is a problem. He seems to emanate unawares-ness.

Pither: Only the boy is even taking notice of him.

Forrest Gumption: IGNORE ME!!!!

Pither: I feel like I know all of these kids from freshman year high school...

Pither: And none of them I wanted to remember.

imp.toast: No, I think there's at least one middle-aged mom in there.

Forrest Gumption: My hope: the boy on the right loses his tongue when any random, flailing hand hits him in the jaw.

Pither: They have never seen a camera before... they want to see it with their hands.

Forrest Gumption: Many of them seem to want to poke the camera man in the eyes, three stooges style.

Pither: Look at the guy behind the guy that loses his tongue when any random flailing hand hits him in the jaw... "idunevenohowigaaahhthere..."

Forrest Gumption: The others are in an intense game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: It is a flock of geese. Such an occurence should nary take place in the game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: These people are a threat to children and family games everywhere.

Forrest Gumption: This game is way out of hand.

Forrest Gumption: Or rather... full of hands.

Pither: And deathly terrible puns.

Toast Patrol 7: Return of the Revenge!

It's a toasty two-pack!

Forrest Gumption: Back in the lair of the tree-dwelling Robo-Pattinson…

Forrest Gumption: We all remember.

Pither: Oh, so THATS what he is in the light.

Forrest Gumption: He floats.

Pither: Sorry if this is lewd, but

Pither: what a bunch of horridly ugly people.

Forrest Gumption: This is the kind of thing his kind normally do in dark alleys or roadside rest areas.

Pither: Is he getting flagged?

Pither: In mid-float?

Pither: Was he floating without a permit?

imp.toast: I d'know...

imp.toast: It kind of just looks like he's being held back from going through with the worst scare attempt ever.

Forrest Gumption: This might be the most extreme game of two-hand touch ever.

Pither: "Does it hurt when i do this?"

Pither: "Is this where he hid the lamp?"

Pither: "Oh wow, it really is like a washboard."

Pither: "Don't push me there, I freeze in a weird hands in the air position."

Pither: "Aw jeez, and ya went and done it anyway."

imp.toast: One of my minor goals in life is now to find Rob Pattinson, grab his stomach, and see if he flails like that.

Pither: "Help, there's a girl on my back!"

Pither: "get it off get it off get it off"

imp.toast: That's not a girl, that's a disembodied pair of un-emotive eyebrows.

Pither: And a shoe.

imp.toast: Actually, the more I look, the more of a confusing mishmash of limbs this becomes.

Pither: "How'd you get up there?" "It was that Potter jerk. Thinks he's all high and mighty just because he's the name of a superior franchise."

imp.toast: "Now Rob, just because you died in that franchise..."

Pither: "NO, IT'S NOT OKAY"

imp.toast: "And you didn't get to take your shirt off..."

Pither: "I WAS GOING TO FIGHT RALPH FIENNES TOO"

imp.toast: "And I know they made you wash your hair, but really..."

Pither: "I hate being stuck up here like this. I'm so exposed to the ... the light..."

imp.toast: "Rob, you need to come down out of the tree. We won't make you bathe or act well, we promise."

Pither: (SHING SPARKLE SPARKLE)

imp.toast: "Rob, stop pretending to be a spatula. Your makeup is running."

Pither: "I want to look beautiful. What is more beautiful?"

imp.toast: Well... compared to this picture, pretty much anything.

Pither: "I have a pimple in my ear."

Pither: "You don't get to look at my hair anymore."

Forrest Gumption: So, explanations?

Forrest Gumption: They're about 20 mins into a Twilight series marathon.

Forrest Gumption: Bella is trying to look seductive.

Pither: "No, I said to stop after 5. Nine tacos is far too many, look at you now."

Forrest Gumption: Eddie Pee-Pants' hair is just off-screen.

Pither: C-c-c-c-cop a feel.

imp.toast: He thought that dropping acid would make the script make sense, but he was wrong...

Forrest Gumption: Newspaper title reads: "SMEYER to write buddy cop trilogy, 'Jacob and the Baby'."

Pither: "No, they're about to turn the fences back on..."

Forrest Gumption: I think they already have turned the fences on.

Forrest Gumption: He's remembering the last time.

Forrest Gumption: Because he looks like Tim.

imp.toast: He just found out he has to be there for the birthing scene in the last movie.

Pither: "(don't think about poop don't think about poop don't think abOUT POOOOOOooooop)"

Pither: "It's a cat... on a keyboard..... we're not in a space hotel room.. are we...?"

Pither: "OH NO"

imp.toast: He just watched his performance in The Last Airbender.

imp.toast: And so did they.

imp.toast: You can see the revulsion and pity on their faces.

Pither: He just got a coathanger rammed up his poop chute.

Pither: As I said before, I wish the guy in the back WAS M Shadows.

Pither: So he could push these sniveling rats off the screen into the abyss of evil and guns.

imp.toast: I think he's about to.

Forrest Gumption: They're looking into the abyss.

Forrest Gumption: And the evil gun-hole is looking back.

imp.toast: The other two are just handling it a lot better than Ralph McPukeface.

Pither: And the guy behind them is the master of ceremonies.

Pither: "Tonight is the night where you DIE AH HA HA HA HA HA ha ha!"

imp.toast: Now his life is flashing before his eyes, and he's not liking what he's seeing.

Pither: His past life is in fact rejecting itself and packing its bags and leaving for a better host.

imp.toast: That, or Edward peed on the carpet again.

Return of the Toast Patrol!

Have you ever wondered what the Toast Patrol would be like with more obscure pop culture references and a quick decline into utter madness? Wonder no more, tastyfans!

Pither: The Cullens...and yet no Optimus...

Forrest Gumption: There's Edward, and Bella, and Mufasa, and Ben Kenobi.

Forrest Gumption: ... and a dragon voiced by Sean Connery.

toastbuster: It's funny.... I didn't realize it was the Cullens {SARCASM!}.

Pither: Y'know... none of them, NONE of them look like interesting or fun people.

Pither: They're all sad and pitiful looking.

Forrest Gumption: That man in the back looks like he wants to play some funny games.

toastbuster: Actually, yeah. He looks like the kind of guy who would show up to your house in little white tennis shorts and start killing people.

Pither: This picture is a fan-made thing right? Or is it supposed to be this dreadful looking?

Pither: The guy on the far right wishes he was M Shadows for some reason.

Forrest Gumption: I wish I was M Shadows.

Forrest Gumption: Then I could host a Saturday morning horror movie show.

toastbuster: In the sky?

Forrest Gumption: On the East side.

Forrest Gumption: In a castle.

Forrest Gumption: With some pie.

toastbuster: In the sky?

Pither: Sky pie, superior to floor pie.

toastbuster: I'm partial to pumpkin, myself.

Forrest Gumption: Ah, but go even deeper, and mud pies always win.

Pither: Not skittles.

Forrest Gumption: I......honestly don't even know how to take that statement.