Chapter Three (in which Edward rescues Bella from crunchy vehicular destruction, then promptly becomes fussy)

Ah, Chapter Three... what a blissfully short chapter. Comparatively, that is-- it's still 14 pages, which, for anything by Stephenie Meyer, is 14 pages too long. If we're feeling generous enough to take content into account, though, it's only 13 3/4 pages too long. Only one thing at all happens in this chapter, and it doesn't need 14 pages devoted to it. Here's the proof...

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella shows up to school. The parking lot is icy, and an out-of-control van almost crushes her. However, Edward saves her, and when she questions how he got to her so quickly from across the parking lot, he insists that he was standing right next to her. She says that's bollocks (oh, if only she actually said it was bollocks), he gets defensive, and they spent the rest of the chapter trying (yes, trying) to argue in a very fussy, passive-aggressive manner.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. That is seriously all that happens in this chapter. Oh, except Bella goes to the hospital and meets Edward's sexy doctor father, but that's all really just a background for her and Edward's little spat.

2. According to the last sentence of the chapter, Bella takes some Tylenol and dreams about Edward for the first time. I don't find that notable in the least, but the direction of the book thus far means that it probably is, so there you go.

3. Judging by her extensive and mostly nonsensical description of the car accident, Stephenie Meyer failed Physics class at least once during school, probably because she spent too much time writing bad poetry and daydreaming of men who sparkle.

QUOTE WORTH REPEATING-- 'If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.' (Pg 54)

BETTER QUOTE-- 'Twilight is like soccer... they run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist that YOU just don't get it.' --some guy named Brett Earlich

Chapter Two (in which the plot doesn't thicken, but the horde of doting boys does))

On to Chapter Two, in which Bella immediately finds herself caught between two men. No, not Edward and Jacob. I mean Mike Who's From California and Knows What the Sun Is, vying for Bella's attention against Eric the Bad-Skinned Overly Helpful Chess Club Nerd. Team Mike, anyone?

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella finally notices that she has friends, and she begins to settle into life at Forks High School. After the Edward Cullen Affair of Chapter One, however, she is both relieved and distressed (I don't get it, either) to find that he is absent from school. Edward ends up being absent for the rest of the school week, which means ample, neurotic musing from Bella. In essence, she's afraid that Edward hates her so much that he has dropped out of school, but she also kind of hopes that he's dropped out of school so she won't have to deal with him hating her that much. Mike (remember Mike?) continues to overshadow Eric (remember Eric?) in being overly friendly, which also stresses Bella out. Apparently, Bella can't abide men who clearly don't hate her. Finally, Edward returns to school after a nice frolic in the snow (I kid you not). Bella is terrified at the prospect of being stuck with him in Biology, but then he's very polite and asks her all sorts of prying questions, which she answers, overcome by his pasty charms and his crooked smile (oh, that crooked smile). Through Edward's nosiness, we now know that Bella is in Forks because her mom remarried a guy named Phil, who plays minor league ball rather poorly and moves around a lot. So, Bella left in order that her mom could be happy and move around with Phil the Not Very Good Ball Player. At any rate, class ends, Bella goes to PE and whines about having to participate, then she heads home. Not much else happens... oh, except Edward stares at her a whole flaming lot.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. At some point in the chapter, Bella reads Wuthering Heights. For those who don't know, it's a love story between psychotic people. Isn't unintentional foreshadowing fun?

2. Edward has intimidatingly neat handwriting and a 'soft, enchanting laugh'. Just sayin'.

3. Once Edward starts acting like a more composed individual, Bella notices that his eyes are now a dark gold-ish color. Previously, when he was being a complete nutter, his eyes were black. I believe this validates my theory. Black eyes=dilated pupils. Bad acid trip. Yo Gabba Gabba in G major happened. Yep.

4. Bella's father can't cook anything but bacon and eggs. Now we know why everyone in this book is dead.

Chapter One (or, Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?)

Well, I finally got my hands on the first Twilight book--which I didn't buy, for the record. I borrowed it from a friend's roommate. Then, I brought it home and stared at it. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to open it. I just stared it down like it was a horcrux, and I had no idea what to do with it. After a few long, eye-twitch-filled minutes of that, I psyched myself up enough to crack it open, then proceeded to stall by reading the entire dust jacket. Unfortunately, the writing on the dust jacket made me throw up a bit in my mouth, so I decided there was nothing else for it. I plucked up my moxie, took a swig of whatever boozy courage was sitting on my dresser, and I dove in.

The first two pages were the most painful, confusing reading I've ever attempted. The first chapter is 26 pages long.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella says a rather confusing goodbye to her mother at the airport, then gets on a plane and does some traveling and it's all quite morose. She eventually gets off the plane in Forks, Washington, and quickly makes sure that we understand things are awkward with her dad. They go to his house, he gives her a truck, she unpacks, and so on. Then bedtime rolls around, and Bella has a good cry. In the morning, she gets up and goes to high school. People at school are generally very friendly and helpful to her, but she pretty much fails to notice anything or anyone until lunch. There she sees the Cullens, whom she describes as freakishly, absurdly beautiful (further description makes them sound like statuesque crackheads). There follows much hushed Cullen gossip betwixt Bella and her new friends (friends? Ah, yes, friends... it's okay, she didn't notice them either). We mostly figure out which Cullens are which. Surreptitious glances are exchanged and whatnot. Lunch ends (le sigh) and Bella heads to Biology, where she is FORCED to sit next to the youngest Cullen boy, Edward (le humph). Edward proceeds to behave as if he's dropped some very bad acid and is seeing Bella as some sort of satanic minion from Yo Gabba Gabba, come to drag him to Disco Hell. Bella finds his behavior distressing, and is quite put out for the rest of the chapter. After Biology, she heads to PE, where she spends a lot of time complaining about PE while apparently just watching everyone else play volleyball. When Bella goes to the office after class to turn in her new student paperwork, Edward is there, begging to be switched out of her Biology class. Once he notices Bella waiting, he immediately drops the subject and leaves, determined to stay out of Disco Hell. Bella heads home and cries some more. Throughout the chapter, it rains and Bella waxes high-school poetic.

A FEW NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella spent a full month in Forks each summer for 14 years, yet she doesn't recognize anyone and doesn't know where anything is.

2. Bella doesn't want to go live in Forks, Bella's mother doesn't seem to want her to go live in Forks, and it still hasn't been explained why Bella IS going to live in Forks.

3. Bella claims to be mind-blowingly pale, yet she loves 'the sun and blistering heat'.

4. The more I read, the more I get the impression that Bella has no idea how life, the universe, or ANYTHING works. Maybe she is best suited for deadness, after all. Also, she hates plants.

5. On her first day at Forks High School, Bella psychs herself up by telling herself that no one is going to bite her. True story.

I got to the end of the chapter and was surprised to find I wanted to keep reading. However, I quickly realized that it was a mental defense mechanism, telling me to get the inevitable suffering that will surely be the rest of the book out of the way as soon as possible. Yes, so far, the book is hideously written, but I will say that Meyer's writing seems to pick up just a bit when things are actually happening-- or at least, it's not as excruciating to read when something, ANYTHING, is happening. Usually, though, nothing is happening. Bella (or is it Stephenie?) is just musing about complete drivel in the fluffiest, flightiest terms she can muster. And that, boys and girls, is what I imagine Hell to be like.

If ever you meet Ms. Meyer, do not, under any circumstances, allow her to make observations to you, even if the only alternative is Vogon poetry.

A First Post (or, Introductions and All That)

I'm not generally a 'by the book' sort of person, but it's come to my attention that most blogs and the like start with the obligatory first post that's full of first-y things like introductions, long-winded stories of how the blog came to be, why the blog is titled after someone's 23-year-old cat who likes tater tots, and so on. Since I can't think of a better way to start this blog-- and since it's my first experience blogging, I haven't read many blogs, and until very recently I had no interest in or excuse for blogging-- here's a story.

It all started when I was skimming facebook absentmindedly, as I often do in the evenings when I should be doing many other things. Oh, and I think it was a dark and stormy night. Probably should have said that at the beginning to hook you and whatnot. You do seem to still be reading, though, so I won't worry about it. Anyhoo, I came across a post by my dear friend ('Miss Impertinence' on blogspot) that both mocked and lamented the horrendous writing of the Twilight series. A bit of back story-- she, like me, is a firm believer in informed hatred, but unlike me, she's been exercising her belief by reading the first two Twilight books. Her evisceration of the books is quite delightful (check it out on her blog! ...and this is where I would post the link, if only I knew how), so several people commented that she should read the whole series and continue blogging the horrors she finds within it. She responded that the series had already caused her so much mental anguish that she'd rather not go on. Now, at this point in the story, I'm sprawled across my bed like an obese cat who's taken one too many tranquilizer darts in the bum, dressed all fancily in my stripy underpants, and I'm reading the back-and-forth on the post with one eye open and about three synapses firing (the summer heat affects me poorly). Essentially, all I can comprehend is that my friend could use some moral support, so I leave a comment. I leave a horrible, horrible comment... 'Tell you what. If you read them, I'll read them with you, and we can lose our minds together.'

So, guess what... she took me up on it. I now have to read the Twilight books. To be fair, I'm looking forward to being able to insult the series with the authority of someone who's actually read it, but I'm quite emphatically NOT looking forward to the journey. That's where the blog comes in-- I'll be posting a summary of every few chapters as I read. I figure it'll help me stay just this side of bonkers if I start to lose it-- I can scroll back through my posts and say, 'oh look, Chapter 1... I was still kind of sane then.' I also figure that, if I go through and summarize the books for those of you who've had the series explained to you six times and still have no idea what the hell is actually going on, you'll never have to read it. You can keep your sanity mostly intact.

And that's what the blog is all about now. I get myself into these situations often enough already, because I do believe in informed hatred, and because I'm curious. And because I'm a just a bit masochistic. I like a little pain-flavored cream cheese shmear on my bagel. So, if this kind of chizz is going to go down anyway, I might as well share what I learn. I'm going spelunking in the rabbithole, and I'll do my best to map it out for you with my shiny new 64-pack of crayons.

And so, in the words of just about every Cartoon Network show currently running, 'AAAAAAADVENTURE!!!'

... and that's when things usually start going poorly.