Chapter One (or, Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?)

Well, I finally got my hands on the first Twilight book--which I didn't buy, for the record. I borrowed it from a friend's roommate. Then, I brought it home and stared at it. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to open it. I just stared it down like it was a horcrux, and I had no idea what to do with it. After a few long, eye-twitch-filled minutes of that, I psyched myself up enough to crack it open, then proceeded to stall by reading the entire dust jacket. Unfortunately, the writing on the dust jacket made me throw up a bit in my mouth, so I decided there was nothing else for it. I plucked up my moxie, took a swig of whatever boozy courage was sitting on my dresser, and I dove in.

The first two pages were the most painful, confusing reading I've ever attempted. The first chapter is 26 pages long.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella says a rather confusing goodbye to her mother at the airport, then gets on a plane and does some traveling and it's all quite morose. She eventually gets off the plane in Forks, Washington, and quickly makes sure that we understand things are awkward with her dad. They go to his house, he gives her a truck, she unpacks, and so on. Then bedtime rolls around, and Bella has a good cry. In the morning, she gets up and goes to high school. People at school are generally very friendly and helpful to her, but she pretty much fails to notice anything or anyone until lunch. There she sees the Cullens, whom she describes as freakishly, absurdly beautiful (further description makes them sound like statuesque crackheads). There follows much hushed Cullen gossip betwixt Bella and her new friends (friends? Ah, yes, friends... it's okay, she didn't notice them either). We mostly figure out which Cullens are which. Surreptitious glances are exchanged and whatnot. Lunch ends (le sigh) and Bella heads to Biology, where she is FORCED to sit next to the youngest Cullen boy, Edward (le humph). Edward proceeds to behave as if he's dropped some very bad acid and is seeing Bella as some sort of satanic minion from Yo Gabba Gabba, come to drag him to Disco Hell. Bella finds his behavior distressing, and is quite put out for the rest of the chapter. After Biology, she heads to PE, where she spends a lot of time complaining about PE while apparently just watching everyone else play volleyball. When Bella goes to the office after class to turn in her new student paperwork, Edward is there, begging to be switched out of her Biology class. Once he notices Bella waiting, he immediately drops the subject and leaves, determined to stay out of Disco Hell. Bella heads home and cries some more. Throughout the chapter, it rains and Bella waxes high-school poetic.

A FEW NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella spent a full month in Forks each summer for 14 years, yet she doesn't recognize anyone and doesn't know where anything is.

2. Bella doesn't want to go live in Forks, Bella's mother doesn't seem to want her to go live in Forks, and it still hasn't been explained why Bella IS going to live in Forks.

3. Bella claims to be mind-blowingly pale, yet she loves 'the sun and blistering heat'.

4. The more I read, the more I get the impression that Bella has no idea how life, the universe, or ANYTHING works. Maybe she is best suited for deadness, after all. Also, she hates plants.

5. On her first day at Forks High School, Bella psychs herself up by telling herself that no one is going to bite her. True story.

I got to the end of the chapter and was surprised to find I wanted to keep reading. However, I quickly realized that it was a mental defense mechanism, telling me to get the inevitable suffering that will surely be the rest of the book out of the way as soon as possible. Yes, so far, the book is hideously written, but I will say that Meyer's writing seems to pick up just a bit when things are actually happening-- or at least, it's not as excruciating to read when something, ANYTHING, is happening. Usually, though, nothing is happening. Bella (or is it Stephenie?) is just musing about complete drivel in the fluffiest, flightiest terms she can muster. And that, boys and girls, is what I imagine Hell to be like.

If ever you meet Ms. Meyer, do not, under any circumstances, allow her to make observations to you, even if the only alternative is Vogon poetry.