Mmmmm... posty.

Happy Thanksgiving, toasties! The time has come to fill up on tasty foods, instead of terrible literature. In this sweet, sweet intermission between bouts of awfulness, I have a few announcements.

First off, I'm now a shiny new art school graduate. I somehow managed to scrape a BFA out of my rather convoluted and erratic college experience, and I'm prepared to bonk heads with it! That means you, Shmeyer-- God forbid you try any funny business with illustrations, because I have an official piece o' fancy paper that says I know things about that!

On a not entirely unrelated note--and you'll find out more about that later--I'm going to be changing the blog around a bit after this horrid long haul through New Moon is over. I'm completely blurding weary of trying to write anything clever after having my poor, shriveled psyche sucked dry by bad, butchered-mythical-creature romance novels. Not to worry though, an-Twi friends (heh, see what I did there)--I'll still be reading and subsequently mocking bad bookage. However, the literary scope is going to be widening a bit to accommodate a variety of debatably overrated literature, such as those classics we keep being told are oh-so-esoteric, and therefore great. It also won't be just commentary anymore... but that's a surprise.

Anyway, more to come on all that toward the end of New Moon. Assuming the damned book ends--there is a physical end, but we don't seem to be getting any closer to it--I'll be posting soon on all the impending changes, along with the possibility of a site move and a re-naming contest.

In the meantime, toast long and prosper!

... oh, and go eat some pie.

Epilogue (or, Chapter Twenty-Five)

Apologies for the delay, toastyreaders, but seeing as I can no longer stave off the second Twilight book with wonderful excuses like, 'If I don't read the entire Harry Potter series again before the next movie, Molly Weasley might avada kedavra my sorry bum,' I can therefore no longer avoid commenting on the oozy, should-be-unnecessary blat of Shmeyerrhea that the author has gone and called an 'epilogue', presumably so it can squelch about happily in delusions of its own importance. And so, with no more ado... the final bits of Twilight.

NOT-QUITE-CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Edward shoves a thoroughly dolled-up Bella into the ol' silver Volvo, and she spends more than three pages figuring out what was painfully obvious within a few sentences (or within the first few chapters of the book, if you've been paying attention)-- Edward has duped her into going to the prom. Once she realizes what he's up to, she makes a grand fuss, but he quickly smolders her into submission. They arrive at the prom, and Edward quiets Bella's protests of supreme clumsiness by allowing her to stand on his feet while he shows off his 100-year-old dancing skills. Jacob Black shows up out of nowhere and cuts in, then explains with much embarrassment that Billy bribed him to come to the dance and ask Bella to 'please' dump Edward. He hesitantly adds, emphasizing the 'Godfather'-esque absurdity of the situation, that Billy also said to inform Bella 'we'll be watching'. They share an awkward laugh, then Smooth Eddie cuts back in and whisks Bella outside to gaze sappily into the moon. He explains that he's forced her to go to prom because he wants her to have a normal human life, even if she's with him. Normally, this would seem a touch sadistic, as he's basically telling her she deserves the same miserable high school experience everyone else gets to have, but remember that this is the Shmeyerverse-- everyone loves Bella and tries their best to make her life perfect, and anyone who doesn't has death or, at the very least, obscurity to look forward to. Bella confesses that she had initially hoped Edward had changed his mind and was going to turn her after all (because in the event of an excruciating three-day-long transformation, one should always look one's best), then in spite of Edward's protests, she insists that she really, really wants to be a vampire. Ed makes a great show of leaning in and heaving great stalker-breaths on her throat for a few seconds before he pulls back and coyly tells her 'no'. However, he recovers by saying some wildly smarmy things about 'love' and 'forever', then slobbers romantically on Bella's neck. The end.

And now, in the spirit of this monstros--ehem, book, it's time to talk about feelings.

THE IMP.TOAST OVERVIEW OF TWILIGHT--

I hate this book even more than I expected to, and with good reason-- nothing should be as poorly-worded, riddled with infuriating characters, and downright nauseating as this soggy little yarn. There are many dreadful things that can be said about Twilight, but many of them have already been said by bigger experts and better wordsmiths, so I'm simply going to express my opinion of the book, with a steaming pile of literary imagery:

Imagine being trapped at a summer camp where the climate is terrible, the weather is always the opposite of what you want it to be, and most enjoyable diversion available is getting so lost in the woods that you wander aimlessly for three or four days, fighting off the occasional rabid squirrel, before stumbling upon camp again. The camp counselors don't notice when you get back; they're all successful lobotomy patients who spend their time discussing sports that they're barely aware of. Your bunkmates are all wildly narcissistic, but simultaneously have low self-esteem to the point of being psychologically unstable. They spend every waking moment creating unnecessary drama out of thin air, and at least one of them cannot communicate without violent hyperbole. There is one toilet in camp, and it consists of a shallow hole in the ground that is invariably filled with strange and terrifying fluids that should never come out of a human body.

You and your bunkmates live in that toilet.

That toilet is Twilight.

Chapter Twelve (in which nothing is more important than the knowledge that we're halfway there)

Ah, Chapter Twelve-- after this, we're officially halfway through this 24-chapter monstrosity! In honor of this glorious achievement, I'd like to take a moment to briefly review the important things that have happened so far.

Ha ha, just kidding. Nothing important has happened so far.

And now, on to the final obstacle between us and the halfway point-- the twelfth chapter. Be warned, toasties... this chapter drags on for what seems like an eternity. While reading, I honestly started to believe it would never end. At any rate, I'll try to make it as painless as possible-- the key term being 'as possible'.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter kicks off with Charlie pulling up to the house, soon after Jacob and Billy Black. Billy and Charlie head off to the living room to watch some sort of sporting event on TV, while Jacob tails Bella into the kitchen. Conversation ensues, and since Bella is involved, Edward quickly becomes the topic. We learn that Billy and Charlie have argued about the Cullens in the past-- Charlie appreciates Mr. Dr. Cullen's contribution to society, while Billy holds the more traditional belief that they're dangerous (or rather, vampires). Anyhoo, Jacob and Billy leave before anything else of note comes up, and the next day Edward shows up as usual to take Bella to school. It's the day before the no-longer-Seattle trip, so Edward tells Bella that he's leaving after lunch to go hunting with Alice, who is apparently the most 'supportive' of his siblings. He explains that his siblings are worried that he'll lose control and attack Bella, thereby exposing the whole family. Bella then meets Alice briefly, Alice and Edward leave, and Bella goes dejectedly about the rest of the school day. That night, she's so anxious that she can't sleep, so she takes cold medicine to knock herself out--understandable, but then she spends such a long time agonizing over how bad she feels about her 'gratuitous drug use' that it's pretty much impossible not to judge her. The next day, she wakes up (disappointing), fusses over her outfit for a good long while, then meets Edward at the door. She insists on driving, so Edward directs her to a woody area, where he drags her along on a lengthy hike. Eventually, they come to a sunny clearing, where Edward makes good on his promise to show Bella what the light REALLY does to vampires. He rips open his shirt, steps out into the light, and... OMG CLIFFHANGER.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. When Edward shows up at Bella's house, his outfit pretty much matches hers. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed.

2. When they start out on the hike, Edward takes off his sweater, revealing a sleeveless, collared shirt. He buttons it down a bit. I'm now pretty sure he's the one who should be more embarrassed.

3. When Bella sees Edward in all of his sleeveless, buttoned-down glory, she is so overwhelmed by his god-like physique that she becomes incredibly distressed, almost to the point of being physically (certainly mentally) sick. She's so visibly upset that Edward gets worried and offers several times to take her home. I take it all back-- she's the one who should be more embarrassed, on account of being unable to cope with life and male musculature.

4. We're officially halfway done! Go take some gratuitous cold meds and sleep it off, kids.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- The creepiest kid from high school, exaggerated tenfold and given an endless supply of eyedrops. It's a smolder to haunt your dreams, not to mention any exposed skin.