Blog New.0

For anyone who's been actively following posts for the last month or two (I know you're out there... show yourself!), I need hardly mention that (a) I haven't been posting much, and (b) the blog has been in a rather awkward, almost pubescent phase.  Well, no longer!  I give you the new and improved, extra-super-toasty Blog 2.0-- The Insomniac Book Club!

As the title implies, I'll still be focusing largely on literature, and my unbiased [aHEM hack cough splutter] opinions on the matter.  However, all books and no play make the Impster a cranky, muttering, ankle-gnawing hermit, so I'll also be writing about whatever I damn well please (like dinosaurs in rocketships).  What's really important, though, is that now the blog comes with pretty pictures!

...Well, pictures, anyway.

To kick things off, I'll introduce myself a bit better, so you can all rest assured that you're in good [Cough] hands.  This is me.

This is a more accurate representation of me.

I'm a recent college graduate who still can't decide what I want to be when I grow up (IF I grow up, which seems increasingly unlikely).  My shelves are full of classic literature, comics, vinyl toys, and ridiculous hats.  I like good books and bad movies.  Like all right-thinking people, I love bacon.  I'm allergic to gluten, but I love cupcakes, pies, and cinnamon buns.

As you might have noticed, I also love toast, but I have a complex relationship with my toaster.  My toaster is possessed, you see.  It behaves itself well enough most of the time so I'll let my guard down, but I'm on to it.

On a not-entirely-unrelated note, I spend a great deal of time yelling at inanimate objects.  This is because I know that all of my household appliances are conspiring to make my life difficult.  It may sound paranoid, but look at the evidence in your own life.  It's a perfectly reasonable conclusion.

I also love plants.  I have two, with more on the way.  Generally speaking, I find houseplants to be more trustworthy than appliances, but the patch of sunlight they're currently sitting in is right next to a mini-fridge, and mini-fridges are notoriously charismatic.  I'm keeping tabs on the situation as best as I can.

I may or may not also give plants silly names like 'Jefferson Aeroplant'.

Enough about me, though.  There will be plenty of time to trod out my little quirks and Batman-themed clothing in later anecdotes, where they'll probably be absolutely necessary to explain myself.

If you're new to the blog and feel like browsing some archives, feel free, but be warned that you're entering a pictureless world of great sadness.  The only books dealt with up 'til now are the first two Twilight books--which, incidentally, I highly recommend NOT reading.  If a painstaking, chapter-by-chapter descent into madness is your thing, then archive on.  Otherwise, I recommend 'Lessons From the Shmeyerverse' for a brief, mocking foray into Twilight's content, or any of the Toast Patrol segments for a laugh.

Since illustrating posts (in lieu of getting tipsy and pulling them out of my bum) takes time, and I have to go to my job so I can live in an apartment and put bacon in my tummy, posts will be somewhat less frequent... but totally more PICTURE-RIFIC.  I think getting to use awesome suffixes is worth it.

In the meantime, read safely (I'm looking at you, aspiring speed-readers!), and make good literary decisions.  Don't make my mistakes.

Mmmmm... posty.

Happy Thanksgiving, toasties! The time has come to fill up on tasty foods, instead of terrible literature. In this sweet, sweet intermission between bouts of awfulness, I have a few announcements.

First off, I'm now a shiny new art school graduate. I somehow managed to scrape a BFA out of my rather convoluted and erratic college experience, and I'm prepared to bonk heads with it! That means you, Shmeyer-- God forbid you try any funny business with illustrations, because I have an official piece o' fancy paper that says I know things about that!

On a not entirely unrelated note--and you'll find out more about that later--I'm going to be changing the blog around a bit after this horrid long haul through New Moon is over. I'm completely blurding weary of trying to write anything clever after having my poor, shriveled psyche sucked dry by bad, butchered-mythical-creature romance novels. Not to worry though, an-Twi friends (heh, see what I did there)--I'll still be reading and subsequently mocking bad bookage. However, the literary scope is going to be widening a bit to accommodate a variety of debatably overrated literature, such as those classics we keep being told are oh-so-esoteric, and therefore great. It also won't be just commentary anymore... but that's a surprise.

Anyway, more to come on all that toward the end of New Moon. Assuming the damned book ends--there is a physical end, but we don't seem to be getting any closer to it--I'll be posting soon on all the impending changes, along with the possibility of a site move and a re-naming contest.

In the meantime, toast long and prosper!

... oh, and go eat some pie.

Chapters 7-9: The Promise of Change is Just Another Aneurysm for the Reader

As of the end of Chapter 6, Bella was feeling just a touch more reasonable than we've ever seen her, and her life was fraught with the theme of New Beginnings. She was interacting with actual people, and her prospective boy-toy wasn't completely dreadful. Could it be? Is our soggy little sockling finally becoming-- dare I say it-- well-adjusted? Oh, of course not!

Very soon into Chapter 7, Bella goes a bit mental and poorly rationalizes her way over to the Cullen house. She spends several pages expounding on how dark and depressing it looks, and she laments not being able to hear Edward's voice just by looking at his dark, depressing house.

She's quickly back to Jacob, though, calling his company a 'fix' and acknowledging how much healthier she feels around him (wait... is he her personal brand of heroin now?). They spend most of their time together, as Jacob fixes up the bikes and Bella does what she does best (in other words, nothing). In an effort to hide her motorcycle-based reckless intent from her father (and to keep up those good-student appearances Shmeyer keeps telling us about) Bella and Jacob start doing their homework occasionally. Also, now that Bella has remembered yet again that she has school friends, Angela and Mike are being friendly... in Mike's case, very, very friendly.

Despite homework getting in the way, the motorcycles finally get fixed up, and it's time to tease us one again with the sort of mild peril that is certain to only damage Bella a teensy-weensy bit. Jacob takes Bella out toward the sea cliffs for a bike lesson, and on the way they observe some of the locals 'cliff diving'-- that is to say, diving off cliffs. Bella, increasingly eager to damage herself a teensy-weensy bit, insists that Jacob takes her cliff diving sometime. Instead of saying, 'No, Bella, you suck at life and all things related to basic functioning, and you will only get yourself thoroughly splatted,' Jacob launches into a lengthy, somewhat-related exposition about Sam Uley and his 'La Push gang'. It seems Sam and a few of his mates have set themselves up as a sort of 'peacekeeper' group and are even recognized by the reservation council as being stand-up dudes. They're generally respected around La Push, but Jacob thinks they're sketchy as can be.

The bike riding finally happens, and wouldn't you know it, Bella hurts herself. A lot. She doesn't mind a bit, though, because she keeps hearing Ed's voice again, telling her to stop being an idiot and getting herself injured--which, of course, makes her continue to be an idiot and get herself injured.

After several ER visits, the bike riding is put aside for awhile. Bella doesn't want Charlie getting wise to her wanton disregard for her physical limitations (which are, to be sure, extensive), but she mostly wants to hunt for that horrible meadow where so many pages of the first book were frittered away in oozy, author-indulgent bliss. Oh, joy.

In the meantime, Mike continues to be very friendly. Bella finally agrees to go to a movie with him, but quickly makes it a group event and invites several other friends, including Jacob. When movie night rolls around, everyone calls up sick expect Mike and Jacob, so Bella spends a fun-filled evening with the two vying for her affection in strange, cat-fighty ways that most boys outside the Shmeyerverse wouldn't bother with. Mike, however, ends up sick himself, and spends most of the movie in the loo, while Bella and Jacob have a lovely, long-winded conversation about how she likes him, but isn't 'in like' with him (for the record, though, he is SO her BFF, like, for realzies).

Jacob drops Bella off at home (they may or may not have taken care of Mike... I don't remember) and tells her that she can always count on him and a few other, similar things. Later that night they both end up getting sick, but Bella gets over her own little stomach flu fairly quickly and calls to check on Jacob. Billy answers the phone and informs her that Jacob has something other than the stomach flu, and that she absolutely should not come over to visit until they let her know he's all better. It's all very questionable. Now, let's pretend we all live under rocks and have never seen or heard anything that has to do with New Moon. It'll make it more special.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE:

1. Jacob mentions that his friend Embry has ditched him for the Sam Uley Bunch. He adds that guys around his age have been missing long periods of school, then upon showing up again are acting strangely and hanging around with Sam and the gang. That couldn't happen to anyone we know, though, right?

2. Jacob takes off his entire shirt to stanch one of Bella's biking boo-boos. As far as we know, he still hasn't put it back on.

BELLA'S TEAM: Jacob.

OUR TEAM: Motorcycles+trees. Honorable mentions go to Team Stomach Flu and Team Shirt. On the other hand, Team Live Under a Rock is sounding better all the time.

Chapters 4-6: And then there was one... one hideously angsty, compulsive idiot named Bella.

Well, I turned the last page of Chapter 3, and instead of Chapter 4, I saw a page with one word:

OCTOBER.

Oh dear. I turn the next three pages. Sure enough, each one has a single word.

NOVEMBER.

DECEMBER.

JANUARY.

Yep. It's simultaneously one of the most clever devices Shmeyer will probably ever use (hardly an accomplishment), and so unblinkingly, unabashedly melodramatic that it makes my intestines seize up in a blind panic to flee my body and get far, far away from this book. That being said, most of the chapters I've read thus far in the Twilight series are superfluous at best, so if only Shmeyer had thought to replace each useless chapter in with one month-page, we might still have a thriving rainforest... but alas, she's up to her old, poorly-worded hijinks after January.

Four months of sweet, sweet nothing are broken by Charlie's threats to send Bella to live with her mother in Jacksonville, on account of she's... well, doing absolutely nothing. Apparently, all we've missed the last four months is Bella moping to the degree that she's gone above and utterly beyond our expectations for her bland character profile, even reaching the elusive point of transcendence past the term 'damp sock'-- she is now as a god in the pantheon of dull laundry descriptors. Our Lady of the Soggy Socks 'n' Undies Load rebuts Charlie's assessment by goading old pal Jessica into going to a movie, but it backfires when she chooses the zombie flick and, in a rare flash of self-awareness, realizes she's more of a drag than the zombies. Later, when she and Jessica are walking down a sketchy street toward their dinner destination, she sees some seedy-looking men standing outside a bar and starts to approach them for no well-articulated reason. Jessica has an absolute cow, but no one really seems to care (including Shmeyer). Finally, Bella stops because she hears Edward's voice in her head, telling her to knock it off. Oh, good... here we thought he'd actually be gone for more than a chapter, but I suppose we should have known better.

Jessica's evening is thoroughly ruined to the point that she may never speak to Bella again, but Bella is much too excited about her little hallucEDnation (heh, see what I did there) to really notice. Later that night she muses to herself (and to us, unfortunately) that, though she knows he's gone, the fact that he exists is what keeps her going. She then resolves to do all sorts of nutty and reckless things so she can hear his voice telling her not to get herself killed. What a healthy outlook she's developing.

At some point before Bella reaches her decision to be dangerous and whatnot, there's a whole swarm of pages devoted to her agonizing over Edward. She's also been having a nightmare about searching the woods, then realizing there's nothing to search for... or something like that.

In her new spirit of danger-driven stupidity, Bella ends up with two broken-down motorcycles. She remembers that Jacob Black is a fair mechanic (and, y'know, exists), so she takes the bikes over to him. He's just glad to see her, so he agrees to fix the bikes up for free. Good student that Shmeyer keeps telling us she is, Bella insists on using her college fund to pay for any new parts needed, and the two set out on a magical motorcycle-building adventure.

Bella starts spending a lot of time with Jacob, watching him work on the bikes. Jacob is optimistic, friendly, and easy to talk to-- in other words, lots of nice, healthy things that Edward is not. Being around Jake cheers Bella up, and rather abruptly, given that we've just been treated to a nonstop three-chapter whinge about how Ed's gone and her life is over. At any rate, Chapter 6 ends with Bella in relatively high spirits.

MATTERS OF PROBABLE IMPORTANCE

1. Bella meets Jacob's two best friends. They're named Quil and Embry. They don't like their names. They'll probably come up a lot.

2. Bella stops having her little nightmare once she starts hanging out with Jacob, but a few nights later she has it again, this time with Sam Uley lurking around and seemingly changing shape in her peripheral vision.

3. Bella starts interacting with her school friends again.

4. People keep mentioning sightings of a big, bear-like creature in the woods... so many times, in fact, that I feel a bit as if Shmeyer has been beating me over the head with a big, bear-like creature while screaming, 'Notice me!'

GOOD NEWS: Um, well... we're six chapters further along than we were at the outset.

BAD NEWS: It's still New Moon--wait, why did I even bother to make Good News/Bad News a thing? We all know there's really no good news to be had in this situation. Let's try something else:

BELLA'S TEAM: Jacob.

OUR TEAM: February. March. April.

Return of the Toast Patrol!-- A Visual Companion

1. MUFASA-- In the movie The Lion King, Mufasa dies, then later shows up in the sky. In the picture featured in this Toast Patrol, the Cullens are also in the sky.

2. BEN KENOBI-- In the movie Star Wars: Episode IV, Ben Kenobi dies, then later shows up looking all hazy (and is more or less in the sky). In the picture featured in this Toast Patrol, the Cullens are also looking all hazy (and are in the sky).

3. A DRAGON VOICED BY SEAN CONNERY-- In the movie Dragonheart, the dragon character--voiced by Sean Connery-- dies, then later shows up as the constellation Draco... in the sky. In the picture featured in this Toast Patrol, guess where the Cullens are? I think you know.

4. FUNNY GAMES-- Funny Games is a surprisingly good, psychologically-driven film (foreign, but recently remade as an American film, which I understand is shot-for-shot and therefore, in my opinion, rather pointless) in which two friendly young men dressed in white tennis-y outfits show up at a family's vacation home and proceed to play torturous, homicidal, 'funny' games with them. Unfortunately, Mr. Gumption's comment was just a joke, and neither of these young men showed up at the Cullens' in the Twilight series.

5. M SHADOWS-- Is the lead singer of the band Avenged Sevenfold. Forrest Gumption is of the opinion that his voice makes him a good candidate to emcee a Saturday morning horror show.

6. ON THE EAST SIDE. IN A CASTLE. WITH SOME PIE.-- The theme song of the 70's-80's sitcom The Jeffersons begins thusly-- Well we're movin on up/To the east side/To a deluxe apartment in the sky/Movin on up/To the east side/We finally got a piece of the pie. The Toast Patrol collective is vaguely aware of this.

Toast Patrol 7: Return of the Revenge!

It's a toasty two-pack!

Forrest Gumption: Back in the lair of the tree-dwelling Robo-Pattinson…

Forrest Gumption: We all remember.

Pither: Oh, so THATS what he is in the light.

Forrest Gumption: He floats.

Pither: Sorry if this is lewd, but

Pither: what a bunch of horridly ugly people.

Forrest Gumption: This is the kind of thing his kind normally do in dark alleys or roadside rest areas.

Pither: Is he getting flagged?

Pither: In mid-float?

Pither: Was he floating without a permit?

imp.toast: I d'know...

imp.toast: It kind of just looks like he's being held back from going through with the worst scare attempt ever.

Forrest Gumption: This might be the most extreme game of two-hand touch ever.

Pither: "Does it hurt when i do this?"

Pither: "Is this where he hid the lamp?"

Pither: "Oh wow, it really is like a washboard."

Pither: "Don't push me there, I freeze in a weird hands in the air position."

Pither: "Aw jeez, and ya went and done it anyway."

imp.toast: One of my minor goals in life is now to find Rob Pattinson, grab his stomach, and see if he flails like that.

Pither: "Help, there's a girl on my back!"

Pither: "get it off get it off get it off"

imp.toast: That's not a girl, that's a disembodied pair of un-emotive eyebrows.

Pither: And a shoe.

imp.toast: Actually, the more I look, the more of a confusing mishmash of limbs this becomes.

Pither: "How'd you get up there?" "It was that Potter jerk. Thinks he's all high and mighty just because he's the name of a superior franchise."

imp.toast: "Now Rob, just because you died in that franchise..."

Pither: "NO, IT'S NOT OKAY"

imp.toast: "And you didn't get to take your shirt off..."

Pither: "I WAS GOING TO FIGHT RALPH FIENNES TOO"

imp.toast: "And I know they made you wash your hair, but really..."

Pither: "I hate being stuck up here like this. I'm so exposed to the ... the light..."

imp.toast: "Rob, you need to come down out of the tree. We won't make you bathe or act well, we promise."

Pither: (SHING SPARKLE SPARKLE)

imp.toast: "Rob, stop pretending to be a spatula. Your makeup is running."

Pither: "I want to look beautiful. What is more beautiful?"

imp.toast: Well... compared to this picture, pretty much anything.

Pither: "I have a pimple in my ear."

Pither: "You don't get to look at my hair anymore."

Forrest Gumption: So, explanations?

Forrest Gumption: They're about 20 mins into a Twilight series marathon.

Forrest Gumption: Bella is trying to look seductive.

Pither: "No, I said to stop after 5. Nine tacos is far too many, look at you now."

Forrest Gumption: Eddie Pee-Pants' hair is just off-screen.

Pither: C-c-c-c-cop a feel.

imp.toast: He thought that dropping acid would make the script make sense, but he was wrong...

Forrest Gumption: Newspaper title reads: "SMEYER to write buddy cop trilogy, 'Jacob and the Baby'."

Pither: "No, they're about to turn the fences back on..."

Forrest Gumption: I think they already have turned the fences on.

Forrest Gumption: He's remembering the last time.

Forrest Gumption: Because he looks like Tim.

imp.toast: He just found out he has to be there for the birthing scene in the last movie.

Pither: "(don't think about poop don't think about poop don't think abOUT POOOOOOooooop)"

Pither: "It's a cat... on a keyboard..... we're not in a space hotel room.. are we...?"

Pither: "OH NO"

imp.toast: He just watched his performance in The Last Airbender.

imp.toast: And so did they.

imp.toast: You can see the revulsion and pity on their faces.

Pither: He just got a coathanger rammed up his poop chute.

Pither: As I said before, I wish the guy in the back WAS M Shadows.

Pither: So he could push these sniveling rats off the screen into the abyss of evil and guns.

imp.toast: I think he's about to.

Forrest Gumption: They're looking into the abyss.

Forrest Gumption: And the evil gun-hole is looking back.

imp.toast: The other two are just handling it a lot better than Ralph McPukeface.

Pither: And the guy behind them is the master of ceremonies.

Pither: "Tonight is the night where you DIE AH HA HA HA HA HA ha ha!"

imp.toast: Now his life is flashing before his eyes, and he's not liking what he's seeing.

Pither: His past life is in fact rejecting itself and packing its bags and leaving for a better host.

imp.toast: That, or Edward peed on the carpet again.

Toast Patrol 6: Revenge of the Toast Patrol!

Here at Toast Patrol HQ, we've decided to give you more toast at a time-- Toast Patrol now comes in packs of three! We've also been getting a little sick of the same old Twilight pictures, so this week we did our best to stay off-topic. Alas, just when we thought we were out, the bad fan-pics pulled us right back in again...

imp.toast: I know that's not actually Rob Pattinson... but I can't help wanting it to be.

Pither: What in the name of flying cheese has happened here?

Pither: What hath Satan wrought?

Pither: This is unbelievable.

Pither: This is one of the greatest photographs I've seen.

Pither: And the aftertaste!

Forrest Gumption: It tastes like suspicion and murder.

Pither: It tastes like not a great day for UPS.

Forrest Gumption: My guess is Robert Pattinson. By the river, with the sewing machine.

Forrest Gumption: Because this is clearly a mystery.

imp.toast: In a tux.

imp.toast: A mystery in a tux.

Forrest Gumption: Wrapped in a sparkly question. Inside an enigma.

Pither: Underneath a mysterious mystery of strange mystery.

Pither: I just want to be the guy in the tux.

Pither: Just show up with a questionable item at a crash site/crime scene/investigation and take a picture of me smiling with it in the background.

Forrest Gumption: Why DOES he have a sewing machine, whilst wearing a tux next to the river?

Pither: I think it's for the ladies.

imp.toast: I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that's what the cops are trying to work out.

imp.toast: That, or they're just shootin' the shite with the UPS guy.

Forrest Gumption: Just look at that crack detective squad.

Pither: I got it.

Pither: He used the sewing machine to coax the truck into the coasting off the road.

Forrest Gumption: Is this what the Mothman looks like up close?

Pither: It must be one o' them new-fangled sewin' machiners.

Pither: Those have special powers.

imp.toast: Special knocking-UPS-trucks-off-the road powers?

Pither: Yep.

Pither: They're normally used for herding cattle, but this one is defective.

Pither: It's a model that the army has been toying with for a while now.

Pither: They're KnockUPS brand.

Pither: I don't know bout you guys, but I want one.

Pither: Or six.

Pither: Just think of the things one can do with them.

Forrest Gumption: I think an even better observation-- the truck carefully backed up through some trees to get to that ledge.

Forrest Gumption: This smells of fierce intent to unbalance.

Pither: I believe that the KnockUPS sewing machine actually guides the trucks like a GPS to only crash into the desired object.

Pither: So it navigated the truck around the trees.

imp.toast: This makes me want to be a fashion major.

imp.toast: Then I could destroy the postal system while building a better tux.

Pither: Just look at what science can do.

Pither: We can't fix an oil spill, but we can give trucks a sense of sentience through psyonic sewing machines.

imp.toast: Science can... guide a truck around small trees, in spite of intent to ultimately destroy said truck?

Pither: Yeah!

Pither: Isn't that the tops?

Forrest Gumption: Is his hand strange to anyone else?

Forrest Gumption: All in all, I think this might be from Torgo's highschool scrapbook.

Pither: His fingers are flronmpy, aren't they.

Forrest Gumption: Looks like a hoof with a claw on it.

imp.toast: No, no, he's just subtly pointing toward his pants.

Pither: The sewing machine is his prom date, clearly.

Pither: And the UPS truck is his ride.

imp.toast: This may be the best prom ever!

Pither: pfffft..."MAY be" ...

Forrest Gumption: oh god

Forrest Gumption: oh man

Forrest Gumption: oh god oh MAN

Forrest Gumption: oh GOD OH MAN

Forrest Gumption: OH GOD

Forrest Gumption: OHMANOHGOD

Forrest Gumption: oh......man.

Pither: GET OFF MY MONITOR

Forrest Gumption: This was in the back of the UPS truck, on its way to Area 51 to be packed away forever with the Ark of the Covenant.

Pither: Thanks for going there.

imp.toast: Now we know why science had to destroy it.

Pither: See, they're on our side, they're looking out for the common good.

imp.toast: This picture is like the scariest 'Find the Hidden Images' game ever.

imp.toast: 'How many unspeakable horrors can YOU find?'

Pither: Why does anyone want a photograph rendering of a human face on their bed-type things?

Pither: I worry that this woman is real.

Forrest Gumption: And this woman things Edward is her lost mate.

Pither: Let's hope she isn't "thing"ing anything!

imp.toast: Um, CLEARLY the sewing machine guy is her lost mate. This woman is confused.

Forrest Gumption: OH GOOD! She's certified!

Forrest Gumption: Twice!

Pither: But for what...

imp.toast: Maybe those are just 'cheerful attitude' awards they gave her in whatever asylum she's recently broken out of.

Forrest Gumption: Maybe the sewing machine guy was also in the back of the truck, but escaped.

Forrest Gumption: Maybe he sewed this stuff, too.

Pither: I'm so frightened.

Pither: Things like this should not be.

Forrest Gumption: Well, there's one good thing to come from all of this..... now we know Twilight promotes women's self-defense.

imp.toast: How's that?

Pither: Against rape? 'cause nobody would touch her?

Forrest Gumption: Check out the "attacked from behind" poster on the wall.

Forrest Gumption: Bella is about to flip the vamp-rapist over her shoulder.

Forrest Gumption: Proving she is the alpha male.

Forrest Gumption: Because..........she is.

Pither: This woman thing is obsessed with very young couples.

Pither: One in particular, consisting of poor actors.

Pither: There are many a thing better to be obsessing over.

Pither: For example, hats.

imp.toast: True.

Pither: Or fine tables.

imp.toast: She seems to be misusing her space.

Pither: Or oddly extruded bottle door opener handle bars.

imp.toast: I... have no idea what those are, but I'm sure they should have hats on them.

Pither: They're entirely more interesting and important than bad actor couples that scowl all the time and sparkle.

Forrest Gumption: So.........wait. Someone had to take this photo.

Forrest Gumption: I might be a bit more scared now than when we began.

Pither: The camera might have been placed on a timer.

Forrest Gumption: Cameras these days have a safety for such things.

Pither: Oh right, I hadn't taken that into account.

Forrest Gumption: Another advance of science.

Pither: All the better that the sewing machine is winning the arms race.

Forrest Gumption: Oh, Manowar is having a reunion tour.

Pither: "Even an Asian can bleed."

imp.toast: They're not Asian.

imp.toast: I think Asians have more hair than this.

Pither: TONIGHT WE DINE ON THE MOON!

imp.toast: I'm not sure I can see these guys dining on anything more butch than a nice house salad.

imp.toast: With low-fat dressing.

Forrest Gumption: They have matching tattoos, meaning they're in a gang, or they've all dated.

Pither: Do you think they are wiener cousins?

imp.toast: Those designs are just to cover up each other's names, since the relationships didn't work out.

Pither: Why do they all look so filthy?

Pither: Oh wow, how could i forget.

Pither: ".... Our shirts are removed..."

Forrest Gumption: "I am afloat with passion...."

Forrest Gumption: "...lost in your eyes!"

Pither: Lost in our eyes.

imp.toast: Well, I think we know now why none of these guys are alpha male.

Pither: The guy in the very back center is just goin' "Hi, Aunt Mepple! Yeah, these are the guys."

Forrest Gumption: Dude! Check out Videodrome next to Jacob!

Forrest Gumption: He has a concave chest-gina.

Forrest Gumption: Well, ab-gina.

imp.toast: AGH!

Pither: Vaginab.

imp.toast: My chat window was covering him.

imp.toast: ... and now it is again.

Pither: You don't realize how different it really is, not having any context to put this in at all.

Forrest Gumption: These are all Jacob cosplayers hanging out with a cardboard cutout of a painting of Jacob.

imp.toast: You know, all these guys are supposed to be Native American, but they look like a bunch of guys of different descent who've been airbrushed the same caramel-crap color.

Forrest Gumption: The guy on the left wins because he too tilts his head down while smoldering.

Pither: I don't know why they are shirtless, I don't know why they are in the forest, I don't know why there isn't a moon present; new or old.

imp.toast: That guy on the left smoldered any and all moons out of existence.

Pither: The guy middle left is every cook at Chili's.

Forrest Gumption: Is the guy on the right Doug Jones in Native American makeup?

Forrest Gumption: Wouldn't be shocked at all.

imp.toast: ... Do you realize how freakishly tall the rest of them would have to be to make Doug Jones look like the Elijah Wood of the bunch?

Forrest Gumption: Jacob's not tall, he's just in the foreground.

Pither: The guy on the right is a disembodied torso.

imp.toast: Ah, forced perspective.

Forrest Gumption: He could be a centaur.

Pither: Or a putz.

Forrest Gumption: We don't have enough visual information.

Pither: Let's go with putz.