Blog New.0

For anyone who's been actively following posts for the last month or two (I know you're out there... show yourself!), I need hardly mention that (a) I haven't been posting much, and (b) the blog has been in a rather awkward, almost pubescent phase.  Well, no longer!  I give you the new and improved, extra-super-toasty Blog 2.0-- The Insomniac Book Club!

As the title implies, I'll still be focusing largely on literature, and my unbiased [aHEM hack cough splutter] opinions on the matter.  However, all books and no play make the Impster a cranky, muttering, ankle-gnawing hermit, so I'll also be writing about whatever I damn well please (like dinosaurs in rocketships).  What's really important, though, is that now the blog comes with pretty pictures!

...Well, pictures, anyway.

To kick things off, I'll introduce myself a bit better, so you can all rest assured that you're in good [Cough] hands.  This is me.

This is a more accurate representation of me.

I'm a recent college graduate who still can't decide what I want to be when I grow up (IF I grow up, which seems increasingly unlikely).  My shelves are full of classic literature, comics, vinyl toys, and ridiculous hats.  I like good books and bad movies.  Like all right-thinking people, I love bacon.  I'm allergic to gluten, but I love cupcakes, pies, and cinnamon buns.

As you might have noticed, I also love toast, but I have a complex relationship with my toaster.  My toaster is possessed, you see.  It behaves itself well enough most of the time so I'll let my guard down, but I'm on to it.

On a not-entirely-unrelated note, I spend a great deal of time yelling at inanimate objects.  This is because I know that all of my household appliances are conspiring to make my life difficult.  It may sound paranoid, but look at the evidence in your own life.  It's a perfectly reasonable conclusion.

I also love plants.  I have two, with more on the way.  Generally speaking, I find houseplants to be more trustworthy than appliances, but the patch of sunlight they're currently sitting in is right next to a mini-fridge, and mini-fridges are notoriously charismatic.  I'm keeping tabs on the situation as best as I can.

I may or may not also give plants silly names like 'Jefferson Aeroplant'.

Enough about me, though.  There will be plenty of time to trod out my little quirks and Batman-themed clothing in later anecdotes, where they'll probably be absolutely necessary to explain myself.

If you're new to the blog and feel like browsing some archives, feel free, but be warned that you're entering a pictureless world of great sadness.  The only books dealt with up 'til now are the first two Twilight books--which, incidentally, I highly recommend NOT reading.  If a painstaking, chapter-by-chapter descent into madness is your thing, then archive on.  Otherwise, I recommend 'Lessons From the Shmeyerverse' for a brief, mocking foray into Twilight's content, or any of the Toast Patrol segments for a laugh.

Since illustrating posts (in lieu of getting tipsy and pulling them out of my bum) takes time, and I have to go to my job so I can live in an apartment and put bacon in my tummy, posts will be somewhat less frequent... but totally more PICTURE-RIFIC.  I think getting to use awesome suffixes is worth it.

In the meantime, read safely (I'm looking at you, aspiring speed-readers!), and make good literary decisions.  Don't make my mistakes.

Super Magical Book-Getting Card, Away!

Since graduating, I've realized my need to move beyond my own moderately-sized bookshelf, which is full of books I've read seven times, and my school library, which is full of little else but long-winded art history books written mostly in German.  As such, I've obtained a public library card.

This bodes well for the 'at least 51% literary' content.

Blog Puberty

Pardon me for not posting in a while. The blog is going through... changes.

There probably still won't be many posts for a bit, but in the meantime, the ol' blarg will start to look different and probably start going by a different name. The format will also be diff-- I mean, NEW AND EXHILARATING. Content will stay mostly literary in nature (for those of you willing to quote me on that later, I would like to point out that 51% still constitutes mostliness).

The frequency of future posts is, at this point, up in the air-- I need a new job, so the getting of said possible job, the hours, and the type of work will have a significant impact on both the amount of posting and the sanity of the author. The new stuff will also take longer to produce, but should be much more awesome in every way.

Keep an eye out, because I'll be back and postin' toasty soon enough. For now, however, I'm going to go back to sitting in front of the door and waiting for my Little Big Planet 2 Collector's Edition box to come in the mail.

... I did say only mostly literary, didn't I?

The Top 20 Toasty Tidbits of 2010

Seasoned greetings, toastyreaders! To celebrate the figurative death of the year, the Toast Patrol crew has scoured our patrols thus far, and with our toasty powers combined we bring you the absolute toastiest of 2010.

And heeeeeeeeere they are:

20. 'Flronmpy'

19. The Japanese rubber-suit monster hair of 'Edward Pattinson'

18. Ralph McPukeface looks into the evil gun-hole

17. imp.toast demands Bella be a moose

16. Pither's server isn't serving

15. Spherical Twi-fan Romeo longs for Little Debbie

14. Forrest Gumption uses the worn their

13. Twi-fans feed their blanket a Subway sandwich and a non-believer

12. Bella is clearly a sweater

11. UPS wreck + tux + sewing machine = best prom ever

10. Aunt Mepple meets the guys

9. Jabba vs Unicorn Murderer

8. Forrest Gumption just sees a Reese's cup of depression

7. In a snit over the Harry Potter franchise, Rob Pattinson won't come down from the tree

6. The toastygang is neither fattist nor fattest

5. Eddie Pee-Pants holds back the rest of the class

4. A better franchise, off in the distance

3. Sewing machines are winning the arms race

2. Floor pie > sky pie > mud pie... therefore, 'not skittles'

1. Twi-fans are a threat to children and family games everywhere

Don't see your favorite bit of toast? Tell the world with a comment! Until then, we'll consider this an affirmation of our collective sense of humor. Happy 2011, everyone!

Toast Patrol: Scaryfans

Just in time for New Year's, it's a new Toast Patrol! This super-special plus-sized Patrol is devoted to the only thing worse than Twilight-- the frightening people who love it.

imp.toast: Some trust falls are less trustworthy than others.

Pither: This is what I am in the sheet!

Forrest Gumption: It looks like... Woodstock.

Forrest Gumption: But instead of hippies, it's... it's... hapless.

Forrest Gumption: Hapless girls.

Pither: (hiss)

Forrest Gumption: Wait!! No, now I know... they're feeding him!

Forrest Gumption: This is the pagan ritual.

Pither: What are they feeding him?

imp.toast: Subway?

Forrest Gumption: A Subway sandwich and a non-believer!

Forrest Gumption: The camera man is dead! This is a crime scene.

imp.toast: That explains the fence in the back.

Pither: So this is what a time-out is like.

Forrest Gumption: Two things that make me sad... crammed together.

Forrest Gumption: Like a Reese's cup of depression.

Pither: She looks like Romeo longing for Juliet.

imp.toast: She looks like Romeo longing for Little Debbie.

Pither: What is she sitting on?

Pither: Oh wait, that's her tummy.

imp.toast: My question is, what is she not stalking?

Pither: Well, here's my thought... one needs to have two capable legs to stalk properly.

Pither: Hence... yeah. No stalking.

imp.toast: Ah... so if she can't stalk, NO ONE CAN.

Pither: OR, she's just really in dire need of informing the masses that she ain't doing it.

Forrest Gumption: I was unaware they made tents in "hemisphere" sizes.

Forrest Gumption: Is that a 2 liter of mayo in the cup holder?

Pither: It needs to recede into whence it came.

Forrest Gumption: This is that crab that the Chinese believe creates the tides.

Pither: She seems to be dwelling in a village of similarly-abled organisms.

Forrest Gumption: The only possible answer is that this is that arsenic-based microbe.

Pither: Jabba the Hutt is going to sloth by any minute and throw spurs at her cheeks, in wishful hopes that she will pop.

imp.toast: Then HE will be fattest in all the land!

Forrest Gumption: She's holding the tail of a defeated unicorn. So...you know, Jabba versus Unicorn Murderer.

imp.toast: How is that not an internet game?

Pither: Jabba is pitying this creature.

Pither: Even he is going, 'Jeez, you could eat AROUND the fat.'

imp.toast: I think it's important to point out that she's brought all this upon herself by being a crazy Twilight fan.

imp.toast: We're not 'fattist'.

Forrest Gumption: She's fattest.

imp.toast: Really, there's no evidence that these are Twilight fans, but the picture was labeled 'Twilight fan' and I can't help but believe it.

Forrest Gumption: oh-mum-jibay, OH-MUM-JIBAY...

Pither: Funnily enough, my first reaction was HEARTS ON FIRE, HEARTS ON FIRE...

Forrest Gumption: This man hates flesh.

Pither: LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

Forrest Gumption: I think only that child will survive the obvious mass suicide.

Pither: The boy is scarred for life and for death.

Forrest Gumption: He knows both are in danger.

Pither: This man is a problem. He seems to emanate unawares-ness.

Pither: Only the boy is even taking notice of him.

Forrest Gumption: IGNORE ME!!!!

Pither: I feel like I know all of these kids from freshman year high school...

Pither: And none of them I wanted to remember.

imp.toast: No, I think there's at least one middle-aged mom in there.

Forrest Gumption: My hope: the boy on the right loses his tongue when any random, flailing hand hits him in the jaw.

Pither: They have never seen a camera before... they want to see it with their hands.

Forrest Gumption: Many of them seem to want to poke the camera man in the eyes, three stooges style.

Pither: Look at the guy behind the guy that loses his tongue when any random flailing hand hits him in the jaw... "idunevenohowigaaahhthere..."

Forrest Gumption: The others are in an intense game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: It is a flock of geese. Such an occurence should nary take place in the game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: These people are a threat to children and family games everywhere.

Forrest Gumption: This game is way out of hand.

Forrest Gumption: Or rather... full of hands.

Pither: And deathly terrible puns.

NEW MOON: LESSONS FROM THE SHMEYERVERSE

1. 18 years old is ancient.

2. Hyperventilating is is the answer. Not only is it THE reasonable reaction to anything at all distressing, it also gets you what you want.

3. When the love of your teenaged life leaves you, walking through the forest becomes incredibly difficult.

4. Physics is an arbitrary concept and behaves as is situationally appropriate.

5. Months and chapters can be the same thing.

6. If you hear an attractive male voice in your head, don't worry--unless you're not willing to put yourself recklessly and repeatedly in harm's way so you can continue to hear it scold you.

7. The internet is magical and can give you answers based on little to no meaningful information, especially if your love interest is a wildly inaccurate perversion of a well-known mythical creature.

8. For the werewolves of the Shmeyerverse, there is no weird behavior that can't be excused with a proportionately stupid explanation.

9. While drowning, if you start seeing hallucinations of an attractive guy, you should keep drowning as long as possible.

10. If you live in the Shmeyerverse AND you're motivated by love, grand theft auto has no consequences.

11. When good things happen to you unexpectedly, immediately assume that you've died and gone to heaven until proven otherwise.

12. In the right context, a minor inconvenience can be the climax of a 400-page narrative.

13. Knowing a hot guy exists is enough reason to continue living.

14. Love conquers all respiratory problems.

15. Anything is possible if you just free yourself from tired old notions like 'consistency' and 'a plot'.

And most importantly:

16. Bella is really, REALLY freaking special. She is the center of the 'verse, after all.

Chapters 22-Epilogue: Just d'awwwwful

Well, dear friends and esteemed onlookers, we're almost to the end. It's here, and it's queer (get that knot out of your knickers, it means 'odd'). Actually, odd isn't quite the right description; I was just going for the rhyme and light mockery of protest group chants. The last few chapters of this book are horribly, almost unethically, bland. Do pay attention, because I'm only going to revisit them this once...

Bella and co. hop a plane back to Forks, where Charlie finally starts acting the dad and blames Edward for everything bad that has ever happened in the world. Did I mention what a sympathetic character Charlie's suddenly shaping up to be?

When Bella wakes up from sleeping off her ordeal, Edward is there to explain that he never really wanted to leave and wouldn't have if he'd known how sad and stupid Bella would be about it, and how he 'can't live in a world where [she doesn't] exist'. He describes lying in the fetal position in meadows and generally poncing about in agony--apparently, he was sad and stupid about her, too. Don't mind that squelching sound, it's just my brain trying to escape again. Silly brain... you couldn't get away during the meadow scene, so you're certainly not going to manage it now. Settle down and let's get this over with.

Edward then vows that he'll never leave again, and that Victoria will die for trying to make Tender Vittles out of Bella. Unfortunately, there's only a chapter left for him to accomplish this in, so... he doesn't. I guess that's supposed to be the big hook for the next installment, but for now it's just further proof that Shmeyer can't write anything close to a critical scene without first dancing around in big, poorly-worded circles for several hundred pages.

In the last chapter. Bella calls a little pow-wow with the Cullen clan, concerning the Volturi's threat to check in and snarfle her if she's still human. The majority votes to turn her, but Edward throws a hissy until she agrees to wait until after her high school graduation. Later, Edward makes blackmail romantic by offering to turn Bella himself if she'll marry him.

My only note for the rest of the chapter reads 'together forever'. I can't remember specifically what that refers to, but my guess is that my brain wiped itself overnight to stave off life in a padded cell just a bit longer, and I'm not one to thank my own mind so shabbily as to read the chapter again. You're welcome, brain.

Finally, the epilogue-- Bella goes back to school, as do Edward and Alice. The Cullens somehow explain why they've abruptly moved back to where they abruptly left so recently, and it's waved off without much to-do. Bella is sickeningly happy with her re-instated loverboy--even if her father isn't--but she secretly keeps trying to get a hold of Jacob, who's also rather un-ecstatic about Edward's return. In fact, Jake is in such a snit that he drops off Bella's motorcycle for Charlie to find and subsequently have a cow over. Bella--with Eddie in tow as supporting wet-blanket--confronts Jacob in the woods, and he reminds Ed that the Sucky Mythical-Creature Treaty is broken if a human is bitten. With that damper put on Bella's tidy post-graduation plans, Jacob informs her that they can't be BFFs anymore before running off to continue not wearing a shirt.

The book ends with Bella friendless and grounded for life without parole, but she has Edward, and that seems to be enough for her.

BELLA'S TEAM: Eddie-kins 4 evah. Oh, joy.

OUR TEAM: Chuck that, the book is done! Over! Finished! Read to the end, thrown across the room, and then bricked up in a dark, damp corner where it can never hurt anyone ever again! Well, one copy at least. Stay tuned for closing thoughts...