Chapter Nine (in which the conspiracy theorists win one for the home team)

As indicated by the end of the last chapter, this ninth chunk of book is essentially just a conversation and a car ride, during which we find out a lot about Edward and very little about anything else. Thus, the chapter summary will be rather brief, followed by a super-sized section of 'Notable Notes'. Ready? Okay! [cue sparkly pom-poms]

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Heading back to Forks in the ol' silver Volvo, Edward and Bella have a fairly Ed-centric conversation. She ends up mentioning Jacob's story, adding that she doesn't care if it's true. Edward is angry at her for endangering herself by not caring, but finally (FINALLY) admits to being a vampire. Information is shared, feelings are discussed, and moments of emotional vulnerability happen. Edward shows off his mad driving skills. He drops her off at home, promising her that he'll save her a seat at lunch. Then, as she falls asleep that night, we get to everyone's favorite dust jacket quote, which breaks down thusly-- (a) Edward is a vampire. (b) Part of him thirsts for Bella's blood. (c) Bella is unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. And with that, we kick off the...

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward is a vampire. Derp.

2. Sleeping in coffins is a myth (only bohemians do that). Actually, Edward doesn't sleep at all. He's starting to sound like the type of bloke who likes to watch girls sleep.

3. According to Edward, the sun bit is a myth, too; sunlight doesn't harm vampires at all, though Ed does add that he can't go out in the sun when people are looking.

4. The Cullen crew doesn't hunt humans. They hunt animals instead, but the temptation to nom humans is still there. Bella is a food-challenge platter of juicy hot wings to Edward's repressed, iron-deficient vegan hipster.

5. The eye thing=hunger. It seems Edward isn't experimenting with hard drugs, after all.

6. The 'dazzle' thing is still funny.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- circus fire (get it?)

Chapter Eight (in which Twilight almost goes the distance and becomes a Lifetime Original movie)

At one point in this chapter, Bella goes to a bookstore, only to discover that it's more of a hippie headshop. Through the window, she sees the friendly-looking old bat behind the counter and decides not to go in, saying that's one conversation she'd like to avoid. Of course. God forbid Bella should talk to anyone interesting. Stephenie Meyer stays well within her comfort zone in this chapter, so there's plenty of bland dialogue to go around.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella, Jessica, and Angela head off to nearby Port Angeles for dress shopping and a general girls' night out. A blessedly short amount of time is devoted to their dress decisions, shoe shopping, and accessorizing (eesh, not short enough), then Bella heads out to find a bookstore, promising to meet the others for dinner in an hour. Because Bella sucks at life, she gets lost and ends up in a sketchy bit of town, being followed by a sketchy group of guys. They corner her but, wouldn't you know it, Edward's car comes power-sliding up to the rescue, and he whisks her away to a cute little Italian restaurant. They run into Jessica and Angela (remember them?) who've already eaten, so at Edward's suggestion they leave Bella in his sparkly care and head back to Forks. He then insists that Bella get some nourishment, in spite of her protests that she's not hungry. They sit in a secluded table in the restaurant, where they talk about somewhat important but easily condensed things while Bella munches some breadsticks. Mostly, she gets him to admit that he can read everyone's mind but hers. She also gets him to admit that he followed her to Port Angeles in order to make sure she stayed safe, which is so peeping-creepy that even Bella knows she should be disturbed by it. Finally, Edward gets the check and they head to the car for more conversation, setting up what's sure to be a somewhat important but easily condensed beginning to Chapter Nine.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. We find out in this chapter that Edward has the ability to 'dazzle' people... as best as I can work out, he basically flashes them a big smile, and they're rendered useless for roughly 4-6 sentences.

2. Thus far, the only known applications of the 'dazzle' are: temporarily impairing people's motor skills, inhibiting conversation, and causing waitresses to show up far more than is necessary for the reader to know about.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- smoldazzling?

Toast Patrol

Now, toasty-friends, it's time for a new segment on the blog that I've taken to calling 'Toast Patrol'. The Great and Toasty One (that's me!) finds pictures that are in need of a right and proper mocking, then gives it to them. In celebration of my surmounting the sixth chapter (and in keeping with the Twilightiness that this blog is mired in for the forseeable future) I've picked from one of the many, many worthy pictures that Twilight-dom has to offer. Also, joining me are my esteemed colleagues, Forrest Gumption and Pither. Right then, let the mockery commence! Twilight, ye shall not escape the watchful eye of the TOAST PATROL!

imp.toast: First off, what are the two on the left looking at that no one else sees?

Forrest Gumption: Edward Pattinson's gigantic hair.

Forrest Gumption: It's like a Japanese rubber suit monster.

Pither: A better franchise.

Pither: Off in the distance.

Forrest Gumption: The guy in the back is trying his hardest not to pee himself with that thing in the room.

imp.toast: Does thrusting your chest out help you not pee?

Forrest Gumption: Obviously.

Forrest Gumption: Chest out, pee in.

Forrest Gumption: Meanwhile it looks like Edward there IS peeing himself.

Forrest Gumption: Kristen Stewart is the proof.

imp.toast: She looks entirely too calm for that.

Forrest Gumption: Remember he's cold, so she thinks he spilled a soda or something.

Pither: He has a slimey little secret.

Forrest Gumption: The horror of undead urine hasn't settled in yet.

imp.toast: This picture makes me more uncomfortable by the second.

Forrest Gumption: Where are they btw? This looks like the inside of Cerebro.

Forrest Gumption: Are they mutants?

Forrest Gumption: I mean, yes they are. But in the movie I mean!

imp.toast: No, no... it's one of those backdrops for elementary school pictures.

Pither: photoshop>filter>render>clouds

Forrest Gumption: Now, I don't want to offend anybody, but can you tell me why a small group of special young adults would all be in kindergarten together?

Forrest Gumption: It might have something to do with Eddie Pee-Pants there up front.

imp.toast: Um... I said ELEMENTARY school.

imp.toast: They're first grade, at least.

Pither: So where is the twilight?

Forrest Gumption: In the night sky.

Pither: I only see dark clouds.

Forrest Gumption: Behind them.

Forrest Gumption: Clearly.

Pither: So they're in front of the premise?

Forrest Gumption: They're.......eclipsing it.

Forrest Gumption: Yes.

Pither: AH

Pither: It's a play on words.

Pither: That's so intellivision.

Chapter Seven (in which conclusions aren't really reached)

Here it is, boys and girls-- the chapter in which Bella finally doesn't quite figure out whether Edward's a vampire. She finds plenty of research to back it up, but a sack o' self-loathing like Bella isn't going to jump to any conclusions without second, third, and twelfth-guessing herself, so we probably won't find out the truth about the Cullens for a while yet. I, for one, am on the edge of my seat.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter starts off with another of Bella's dreams, in which Jacob is a werewolf, Edward is a vampire, and Mike is... well, just kind of there. Once she wakes up, Bella is too distracted to go back to sleep, so she looks up vampires on the internet. [SIDE NOTE-- In all fairness to Ms. Meyer, this bit indicates that she probably visited at least one vampiric lore site, but she spends a bit too long proving it to us.] Bella finds most of the criteria she needs to prove that the Cullens are vampires, but since she doesn't find a credible source that specifically reads 'The Cullens are vampires', she becomes frustrated and embarrassed, then heads out into the woods for some Bella time. She parks her rump on a fallen tree and weighs all the options for an ungodly long time, eventually deciding that (a) Edward may or may not be a vampire, but he is somehow more than human, and (b) even though it would be safer to avoid him if he is a vampire, she's in two or three conversations too deep to stay away. When she gets to school the next day, Edward and company aren't there, so Bella spends the day in such misery that she ends up agreeing to go dress shopping with Jessica, Angela, and Lauren, despite the fact that she and Lauren have at this point developed some sort of girly reason to dislike each other with an intensity rivaling Edward's stare. At some point it gets sunny out, Bella gets some vitamin D, and dinner happens.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. While Bella is waiting for her internet to crank up, she gets a bowl of cereal. Hear that, self-conscious girls who skip breakfast? If an emotional wreck like Bella can handle the most important meal of the day, you can, too.

2. Bella has to write a Macbeth essay, and she decides to focus on whether Shakespeare's treatment of women is misogynistic. Given the overall number of complaints the series receives about Bella's mistreatment at the hands of her gentlemen callers, this is almost as funny as the Wuthering Heights bit.

3. Bella still hates plants.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Once again, we have a chapter with no Edward. He continues to smolder from afar.

Chapter Six (in which Bella becomes a serious collector)

Finally, Chapter Six-- we're officially a quarter of the way through the book, kids. Fortunately for all of us, it's a fairly linear chapter and should be easy to summarize. So, let's get down to business, and I can spend the rest of the afternoon with my nose buried in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, savoring some REAL absurdist fiction.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- It finally stops raining in Forks long enough for Bella, Mike, and everyone else we've come across so far (sans the Cullen clan, of course) to go to the beach. This particular beach is on or near the local Indian-- pardon, NATIVE AMERICAN-- reservation, so some teenagers from the reservation end up joining the beachgoers. One of them is Jacob, who is a year or two younger than Bella and remembers her from childhood. He's friendly and easy to talk to, so while the rest of the group takes turns vying for each others' attention in a grand display of high-school social politics, Bella and Jacob strike up a conversation. Eventually (inevitably) the Cullens are mentioned, and one of the other reservation teens says forbiddingly that they don't come to the beach. Edward-obsessed (Ed-sessed? Can I say that?) Bella is curious, and very suddenly starts flirting with Jacob in order to weasel some information out of him. Jacob proves to be quite susceptible to the old eyelash-batting routine, and once they're off to themselves, he quickly blurts out the whole story: legend has it that his ancestors were werewolves. At some point they called a truce with a family of the 'Cold Ones' (vampires, not beers) who claimed to never harm humans. He adds that the Cold Ones of legend are the same bunch of Cullens that currently live in Forks. Bella finds this all disturbingly interesting, but soon it's time to leave with her friends, and she spends the ride home pondering.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Mr. Dr. Cullen is named Carlisle. He's apparently quite ancient, so his name might be helpful to know. Or, I can just keep calling him Mr. Dr. Cullen because I think it's funny.

2. Bella's Dad bought her truck from Jacob's dad. Their dads are friends. It'll probably come up later.

3. A single beer is often referred to as a 'cold one'. This is generally well-known, so someone should tell Stephenie Meyer.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Difficult to say since he wasn't in the chapter, but I think we can be sure that, wherever he was, he was smoldering.

Chapter Five (wherein lunch factors greatly, but no one is satisfied)

Only up to Chapter Five, and the combined madness and badness of this book may finally be getting to me. Not saying the book wasn't irksome before (to say the least), but my resulting loopiness has pretty much reached the point of public noticeability. Case in point-- in this chapter, there's a reference to the sterile paper you sit on in doctors' offices... it's 'crackly paper'. The rest of the chapter is apparently so bland and uninspired that, by comparison, the term 'crackly paper' made me laugh so hard that I immediately turned to my boyfriend and squee-d, 'It says crackly paper... like, the paper they have at the doctor that you sit on, and it crackles! It IS crackly paper! It's funny because it's true!' Yes, observational humor is often funny, but 'crackly paper' is just something Ms. Meyer happened to say that was so uncharacteristically accurate that it struck me as hilarious. That isn't observational humor. That's just sad. Moving along....

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- So, in the last chapter, Edward offered Bella a ride to Seattle and intensely smoldered her into accepting. In retrospect, that smoldering probably wasn't necessary, because Bella is so overwhelmed by the idea of Edward wanting to drive her anywhere that she talks herself into believing it was probably just a dream. When she gets to lunch that day (he asked before school, so she's only had a few pages to obsess), she doesn't see him sitting in his usual spot with the Cullen crew, which distresses her so much that she loses her appetite. However, he is at lunch after all. One of Bella's friends points out that he's sitting alone, and when Bella turns to look, he motions her over. She sits with him-- which causes much scandalized whispering-- and what follows is a lengthy, cryptic conversation. The only things we really learn from their chat-- (1) Edward may not be the good guy. He may be the bad guy. (2) Edward is dangerous. (3) Edward wants to know 'what' Bella thinks he is, but she's embarrassed because she only has dumb theories. He makes her share one. Thus, we know that Edward was not bitten by a radioactive spider. (4) Edward's stare is still intense. Anyhoo, the lunch bell rings, and it's time for Biology. Edward says he's ditching class and invites her to ditch with him (what a classic high-school bad boy), but Bella decides to go to class. As it turns out, they're blood typing in Biology. It also turns out that Bella faints at the sight/smell of blood. She gets woozy and has to go to the nurse's office with Mike (remember Mike?) eagerly accompanying her. Once they get outside, Edward shows up out of nowhere and insists to take her himself. Mike protests, but Edward brushes him off and, in a great show of harlequin-esque romance, gathers the ailing Bella in his arms and whisks her away to the nurse (and sets her on the crackly paper). He talks the nurse into letting Bella go home early (no PE? awww...), saying that he can give her a ride home. When they get out to the parking lot, Bella heads to her truck, intending to drive herself home. Edward then completely flips out and drags (yes, DRAGS) her to his car, demanding that she let him drive her home. In the car, they briefly discuss family dynamics that we've been aware of for a while now. Edward drives very fast, so they get to Bella's house much sooner than the length of their conversation suggests, she gets out, he leaves, end scene.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. The sanitary paper in the nurse's office is crackly.

2. Edward is nuts.

3. When Bella is tossing around theories about Edward (to herself), Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker are mentioned. At lunch, a Superman reference is made. The Biology teacher's name is Mr. Banner. If you get it, you'll laugh.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE: Level 6

Chapter Four (in which everyone does things rather poorly)

After reading Chapter Four, I have two very, very big concerns-- (1) There is a 'Girls' Choice Spring Dance' coming up. Prom has also been mentioned, and (2) if my instincts don't fail me, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to stop hearing about one or both of these events for the remainder of the book. Ah, well... onwards and downwards, I suppose.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Remember how I mentioned that at the end of Chapter Three, Bella had a dream about Edward, and that it might be important later? Well, guess what... the beginning of Chapter Four IS the dream. That being said, it's not especially important. Basically, Bella keeps dreaming that she's following or chasing Edward in various scenarios, and he's always just out of reach (gee, how will we ever be able to interpret that one?). Anyhoo, now that Edward has saved Bella's life, he's acting very standoffish and won't talk to her/look at her/etc, not to mention his eyes have gotten darker again (hear that, kids? Stay off the drugs). Then (surprise, surprise) Bella stresses out about Edward's aloofness for far more pages than is right and proper. Finally, he apologizes for ignoring her, but says it's much better if they aren't friends. She gets her knickers in a knot over the whole thing, chews him out, then decides to retaliate by ignoring him back. I feel it's important to mention that Edward is very civil through all this. In fact, I'm going to digress on this topic for a moment. MOMENTARY DIGRESSION-- I have to admit, I was surprised how sympathetic I was toward Edward in this chapter. He at least tries to be reasonable, and he's extremely polite to Bella. He even picks up her books after she drops them all while verbally abusing him--which she does every time he tries to talk to her in this chapter. Yes, she spends the entire chapter whining about how he's ignoring her, then every time he does acknowledge her, she bawls him out-- which, really, he doesn't deserve (yet). So far in the book, Edward has come across as that sort of stuffy, Euro-fruity-looking kid in class who acts insane the first time you meet him, but then turns out to be a pretty intelligent, pleasant person. He's probably manic-depressive, and he's not anyone you'd make after-school plans with, but he's a casual buddy. However, that image drastically shifts at the very end of the chapter, which we'll get to momentarily... END DIGRESSION. New topic-- it turns out, the spring dance is coming up. No, not prom, that's coming up too. There are TWO spring dances coming up, and even though the more pressing one is girls' choice, pretty much every guy Bella knows at this point (remember Mike and Eric? And the guy who almost crunched Bella with his van?) asks her to ask him. She manages to shove them off on all the girls she knows (remember Jessica and co? No? That's because they're not important) by making sudden plans to go to Seattle that day. There continues to be much hoopla about the dance, and Edward continues to be standoffish. Skip to the last page... Edward ends up offering Bella a ride to Seattle. She retorts that he said they shouldn't be friends. He says that it's true, and they shouldn't be friends, but he's 'tired of trying to stay away' from her. It should be noted that he says that last bit with smoldering, Fabio-esque intensity. The words 'smoldering' and 'intensity' really are both used in this scene. Several times. Anyway, how can Bella say no to such an intense smolder? She agrees to ride with him. Now, here's where it gets fun-- not thirty seconds (in real-ish time) after he tells Bella they shouldn't be friends, then convinces her to ride all the way to Seattle with him, Edward says, 'You really should stay away from me.'

He follows up with, 'I'll see you in class.'

That's it, dude. You just lost your casual-buddy status.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella has female friends. Their names are Jessica, Angela, and Lauren. They might come up later, but thus far they haven't been important enough to mention.

2. Edward drives a silver Volvo. It's not important at all, but I found it about as interesting as anything else.

3. Speaking of the silver Volvo, one of Edward's main selling points for getting Bella to ride with him to Seattle is that his car can make it there on one tank of gas. When she says her truck's mileage is none of his business, he answers, 'The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business.' Aw, he's so eco-friendly. I bet he's also a 'vegetarian'.

4. Even though pretty much everyone in the world knows Edward's really a vampire, there's another perfect explanation for him. He's clearly gay.