Chapter Five (wherein lunch factors greatly, but no one is satisfied)

Only up to Chapter Five, and the combined madness and badness of this book may finally be getting to me. Not saying the book wasn't irksome before (to say the least), but my resulting loopiness has pretty much reached the point of public noticeability. Case in point-- in this chapter, there's a reference to the sterile paper you sit on in doctors' offices... it's 'crackly paper'. The rest of the chapter is apparently so bland and uninspired that, by comparison, the term 'crackly paper' made me laugh so hard that I immediately turned to my boyfriend and squee-d, 'It says crackly paper... like, the paper they have at the doctor that you sit on, and it crackles! It IS crackly paper! It's funny because it's true!' Yes, observational humor is often funny, but 'crackly paper' is just something Ms. Meyer happened to say that was so uncharacteristically accurate that it struck me as hilarious. That isn't observational humor. That's just sad. Moving along....

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- So, in the last chapter, Edward offered Bella a ride to Seattle and intensely smoldered her into accepting. In retrospect, that smoldering probably wasn't necessary, because Bella is so overwhelmed by the idea of Edward wanting to drive her anywhere that she talks herself into believing it was probably just a dream. When she gets to lunch that day (he asked before school, so she's only had a few pages to obsess), she doesn't see him sitting in his usual spot with the Cullen crew, which distresses her so much that she loses her appetite. However, he is at lunch after all. One of Bella's friends points out that he's sitting alone, and when Bella turns to look, he motions her over. She sits with him-- which causes much scandalized whispering-- and what follows is a lengthy, cryptic conversation. The only things we really learn from their chat-- (1) Edward may not be the good guy. He may be the bad guy. (2) Edward is dangerous. (3) Edward wants to know 'what' Bella thinks he is, but she's embarrassed because she only has dumb theories. He makes her share one. Thus, we know that Edward was not bitten by a radioactive spider. (4) Edward's stare is still intense. Anyhoo, the lunch bell rings, and it's time for Biology. Edward says he's ditching class and invites her to ditch with him (what a classic high-school bad boy), but Bella decides to go to class. As it turns out, they're blood typing in Biology. It also turns out that Bella faints at the sight/smell of blood. She gets woozy and has to go to the nurse's office with Mike (remember Mike?) eagerly accompanying her. Once they get outside, Edward shows up out of nowhere and insists to take her himself. Mike protests, but Edward brushes him off and, in a great show of harlequin-esque romance, gathers the ailing Bella in his arms and whisks her away to the nurse (and sets her on the crackly paper). He talks the nurse into letting Bella go home early (no PE? awww...), saying that he can give her a ride home. When they get out to the parking lot, Bella heads to her truck, intending to drive herself home. Edward then completely flips out and drags (yes, DRAGS) her to his car, demanding that she let him drive her home. In the car, they briefly discuss family dynamics that we've been aware of for a while now. Edward drives very fast, so they get to Bella's house much sooner than the length of their conversation suggests, she gets out, he leaves, end scene.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. The sanitary paper in the nurse's office is crackly.

2. Edward is nuts.

3. When Bella is tossing around theories about Edward (to herself), Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker are mentioned. At lunch, a Superman reference is made. The Biology teacher's name is Mr. Banner. If you get it, you'll laugh.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE: Level 6