Toast Patrol 6: Revenge of the Toast Patrol!

Here at Toast Patrol HQ, we've decided to give you more toast at a time-- Toast Patrol now comes in packs of three! We've also been getting a little sick of the same old Twilight pictures, so this week we did our best to stay off-topic. Alas, just when we thought we were out, the bad fan-pics pulled us right back in again...

imp.toast: I know that's not actually Rob Pattinson... but I can't help wanting it to be.

Pither: What in the name of flying cheese has happened here?

Pither: What hath Satan wrought?

Pither: This is unbelievable.

Pither: This is one of the greatest photographs I've seen.

Pither: And the aftertaste!

Forrest Gumption: It tastes like suspicion and murder.

Pither: It tastes like not a great day for UPS.

Forrest Gumption: My guess is Robert Pattinson. By the river, with the sewing machine.

Forrest Gumption: Because this is clearly a mystery.

imp.toast: In a tux.

imp.toast: A mystery in a tux.

Forrest Gumption: Wrapped in a sparkly question. Inside an enigma.

Pither: Underneath a mysterious mystery of strange mystery.

Pither: I just want to be the guy in the tux.

Pither: Just show up with a questionable item at a crash site/crime scene/investigation and take a picture of me smiling with it in the background.

Forrest Gumption: Why DOES he have a sewing machine, whilst wearing a tux next to the river?

Pither: I think it's for the ladies.

imp.toast: I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that's what the cops are trying to work out.

imp.toast: That, or they're just shootin' the shite with the UPS guy.

Forrest Gumption: Just look at that crack detective squad.

Pither: I got it.

Pither: He used the sewing machine to coax the truck into the coasting off the road.

Forrest Gumption: Is this what the Mothman looks like up close?

Pither: It must be one o' them new-fangled sewin' machiners.

Pither: Those have special powers.

imp.toast: Special knocking-UPS-trucks-off-the road powers?

Pither: Yep.

Pither: They're normally used for herding cattle, but this one is defective.

Pither: It's a model that the army has been toying with for a while now.

Pither: They're KnockUPS brand.

Pither: I don't know bout you guys, but I want one.

Pither: Or six.

Pither: Just think of the things one can do with them.

Forrest Gumption: I think an even better observation-- the truck carefully backed up through some trees to get to that ledge.

Forrest Gumption: This smells of fierce intent to unbalance.

Pither: I believe that the KnockUPS sewing machine actually guides the trucks like a GPS to only crash into the desired object.

Pither: So it navigated the truck around the trees.

imp.toast: This makes me want to be a fashion major.

imp.toast: Then I could destroy the postal system while building a better tux.

Pither: Just look at what science can do.

Pither: We can't fix an oil spill, but we can give trucks a sense of sentience through psyonic sewing machines.

imp.toast: Science can... guide a truck around small trees, in spite of intent to ultimately destroy said truck?

Pither: Yeah!

Pither: Isn't that the tops?

Forrest Gumption: Is his hand strange to anyone else?

Forrest Gumption: All in all, I think this might be from Torgo's highschool scrapbook.

Pither: His fingers are flronmpy, aren't they.

Forrest Gumption: Looks like a hoof with a claw on it.

imp.toast: No, no, he's just subtly pointing toward his pants.

Pither: The sewing machine is his prom date, clearly.

Pither: And the UPS truck is his ride.

imp.toast: This may be the best prom ever!

Pither: pfffft..."MAY be" ...

Forrest Gumption: oh god

Forrest Gumption: oh man

Forrest Gumption: oh god oh MAN

Forrest Gumption: oh GOD OH MAN

Forrest Gumption: OH GOD

Forrest Gumption: OHMANOHGOD

Forrest Gumption: oh......man.

Pither: GET OFF MY MONITOR

Forrest Gumption: This was in the back of the UPS truck, on its way to Area 51 to be packed away forever with the Ark of the Covenant.

Pither: Thanks for going there.

imp.toast: Now we know why science had to destroy it.

Pither: See, they're on our side, they're looking out for the common good.

imp.toast: This picture is like the scariest 'Find the Hidden Images' game ever.

imp.toast: 'How many unspeakable horrors can YOU find?'

Pither: Why does anyone want a photograph rendering of a human face on their bed-type things?

Pither: I worry that this woman is real.

Forrest Gumption: And this woman things Edward is her lost mate.

Pither: Let's hope she isn't "thing"ing anything!

imp.toast: Um, CLEARLY the sewing machine guy is her lost mate. This woman is confused.

Forrest Gumption: OH GOOD! She's certified!

Forrest Gumption: Twice!

Pither: But for what...

imp.toast: Maybe those are just 'cheerful attitude' awards they gave her in whatever asylum she's recently broken out of.

Forrest Gumption: Maybe the sewing machine guy was also in the back of the truck, but escaped.

Forrest Gumption: Maybe he sewed this stuff, too.

Pither: I'm so frightened.

Pither: Things like this should not be.

Forrest Gumption: Well, there's one good thing to come from all of this..... now we know Twilight promotes women's self-defense.

imp.toast: How's that?

Pither: Against rape? 'cause nobody would touch her?

Forrest Gumption: Check out the "attacked from behind" poster on the wall.

Forrest Gumption: Bella is about to flip the vamp-rapist over her shoulder.

Forrest Gumption: Proving she is the alpha male.

Forrest Gumption: Because..........she is.

Pither: This woman thing is obsessed with very young couples.

Pither: One in particular, consisting of poor actors.

Pither: There are many a thing better to be obsessing over.

Pither: For example, hats.

imp.toast: True.

Pither: Or fine tables.

imp.toast: She seems to be misusing her space.

Pither: Or oddly extruded bottle door opener handle bars.

imp.toast: I... have no idea what those are, but I'm sure they should have hats on them.

Pither: They're entirely more interesting and important than bad actor couples that scowl all the time and sparkle.

Forrest Gumption: So.........wait. Someone had to take this photo.

Forrest Gumption: I might be a bit more scared now than when we began.

Pither: The camera might have been placed on a timer.

Forrest Gumption: Cameras these days have a safety for such things.

Pither: Oh right, I hadn't taken that into account.

Forrest Gumption: Another advance of science.

Pither: All the better that the sewing machine is winning the arms race.

Forrest Gumption: Oh, Manowar is having a reunion tour.

Pither: "Even an Asian can bleed."

imp.toast: They're not Asian.

imp.toast: I think Asians have more hair than this.

Pither: TONIGHT WE DINE ON THE MOON!

imp.toast: I'm not sure I can see these guys dining on anything more butch than a nice house salad.

imp.toast: With low-fat dressing.

Forrest Gumption: They have matching tattoos, meaning they're in a gang, or they've all dated.

Pither: Do you think they are wiener cousins?

imp.toast: Those designs are just to cover up each other's names, since the relationships didn't work out.

Pither: Why do they all look so filthy?

Pither: Oh wow, how could i forget.

Pither: ".... Our shirts are removed..."

Forrest Gumption: "I am afloat with passion...."

Forrest Gumption: "...lost in your eyes!"

Pither: Lost in our eyes.

imp.toast: Well, I think we know now why none of these guys are alpha male.

Pither: The guy in the very back center is just goin' "Hi, Aunt Mepple! Yeah, these are the guys."

Forrest Gumption: Dude! Check out Videodrome next to Jacob!

Forrest Gumption: He has a concave chest-gina.

Forrest Gumption: Well, ab-gina.

imp.toast: AGH!

Pither: Vaginab.

imp.toast: My chat window was covering him.

imp.toast: ... and now it is again.

Pither: You don't realize how different it really is, not having any context to put this in at all.

Forrest Gumption: These are all Jacob cosplayers hanging out with a cardboard cutout of a painting of Jacob.

imp.toast: You know, all these guys are supposed to be Native American, but they look like a bunch of guys of different descent who've been airbrushed the same caramel-crap color.

Forrest Gumption: The guy on the left wins because he too tilts his head down while smoldering.

Pither: I don't know why they are shirtless, I don't know why they are in the forest, I don't know why there isn't a moon present; new or old.

imp.toast: That guy on the left smoldered any and all moons out of existence.

Pither: The guy middle left is every cook at Chili's.

Forrest Gumption: Is the guy on the right Doug Jones in Native American makeup?

Forrest Gumption: Wouldn't be shocked at all.

imp.toast: ... Do you realize how freakishly tall the rest of them would have to be to make Doug Jones look like the Elijah Wood of the bunch?

Forrest Gumption: Jacob's not tall, he's just in the foreground.

Pither: The guy on the right is a disembodied torso.

imp.toast: Ah, forced perspective.

Forrest Gumption: He could be a centaur.

Pither: Or a putz.

Forrest Gumption: We don't have enough visual information.

Pither: Let's go with putz.