Chapter Thirteen (or, Love Frolics in a Scenic Meadow)

So, the last chapter left us eagerly anticipating what happens to Edward in the sunlight. He's assured Bella that he won't spontaneously combust, but what then? Will he swoon and/or projectile vomit? Will he suddenly burst into flora like a chia pet? Will he become the sort of proper gent who likes sleeves on his collared shirts? Places your bets now, then read on for the exciting conclusion to this minor cliffhanger!

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- He sparkles. I have to say, if I hadn't known ahead of time, I don't think I would have handled it well. [Vampires + sunlight = sparkle] could have been the equation that put me over the edge and prompted me to chuck the book down the stairs, followed closely by a string of inspired profanity. However, I do not live under a large rock and therefore do hear things that the rest of the world hears, so I was prepared for the sparkly bits. What I wasn't prepared for was the rest of this hideous chapter-- twenty-five nauseating pages of tentative romance. After Edward shows off his glittering abs, there's a lot of laying around in a meadow, awkwardly caressing each other's hands for the first time. Bella gets a whiff of Edward's sexy breath and starts to lean in for a kiss, which propels Edward into a freak-out. He runs around the clearing, ripping up trees and generally demonstrating how hopeless it would be for Bella to fight back if she tried. Then, as suddenly as his fit started, he calms down and returns to sitting about in the meadow, where he says some very smarmy things, like how Bella is the 'most important thing to him ever' and so on. Most of the chapter is spent in a sort of weird cuddling exercise-- Edward is worried about losing control around Bella and has almost completely avoided physical contact up until this point, so he uses up pages upon pages getting used to touching her. Mind you, it's not as steamy as it sounds. There isn't a thing in this chapter scandalous enough to make the most repressed Victorian spinster blush, although the writing might be adequately awful to provoke even her to a rousing cry of 'Bollocks!' and a hearty heave of the offending book. Anyway, nothing of note happens during the G-rated love-fest in the meadow, and eventually they start back down the trail. Edward insists on giving Bella a piggy-back ride through the woods, which turns out to be a breakneck bullet-train-from-hell sort of affair (she can't handle him driving over the speed limit, but this should be fine for her, yeah?). Due to traveling by Ed-rocket, they get back to the car very quickly, and another page or so is taken up by Shmeyer's need to make sure we grasp just how woozy the experience has made Bella. She finally composes herself, but Edward decides to make matters woozier and attempts to kiss her. The moment starts out cautiously (understandable), but Bella gets a taste of the sexy breath, and suddenly she's gripping his head and trying to suck his face off (and this whole time we were worried about Edward losing control). Edward cuts that business short, but it goes more smoothly on the second attempt, and Bella is so overwhelmed by competent kissing that Edward has to drive.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella tells Edward that she'd rather die than stay away from him. Oh, if only.

2. While trying to explain the effect Bella has on him, Edward says that she's his brand of heroin. Does that means he's her brand of cold medicine? Or would that be Jacob, since she uses him gratuitously?

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Is Edward's dad a thief? 'Cuz someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in his eyes... then decided that was an acceptable substitute for a plot.