Chapter Twenty-Two (In which Bella actually does something)

Well, toastyreaders, here's another woefully lengthy chapter that demands an over-long summary. However, if you read the whole thing, you'll be rewarded, and someone will beat the flaming snot out of Bella.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella returns to the front room to find Alice mid-vision. Jasper, who's just returned from checking out of the hotel, asks what she saw, to which Alice dazedly replies 'Bella'. She then shakes it off and says it was nothing new, but Bella realizes the jig is up and Alice knows what she's going to do. There's a tense drive to the airport, wherein Alice and Bella make stunted conversation to cover the fact that Alice knows and Bella knows Alice knows (let's not forget that Jasper now knows, and can probably sense that Bella knows that they both know...). At any rate, when they get to the airport, Bella announces she's going to get 'breakfast' and takes Jasper with her instead of Alice so that she can pull the ol' Ladie's Bathroom Trick-- Jasper, a dude, has to wait outside the bathroom, so Bella leaves through the other exit and makes a run for it. Once again, Jasper and Alice have to sacrifice their established intelligence and act monumentally thick for a few moments so that Bella can have a cunning bit. Once Bella gets outside, she snatches a cab from a nice, 'tired' couple and throws some money and her mum's address at the driver, then spends the duration of the ride lost in a nauseatingly soggy daydream about Edward. Her reverie is broken (huzzah!) when the cabbie asks her to confirm the address, then dumps her at her mother's house. She follows James' directions and calls the number he's left next to the phone, at which point he tells her to go to the dance studio. You may be wondering about all this runaround when we--and practically every character in this book--have known for a while that Bella's going to end up at the dance studio, but realize that James doesn't know that we know and she knows and they know. Shmeyer, with her (alleged) degree in English literature, has invoked the idea of third-person omniscience in a first-person book and beaten us over the head with a Useful Fact to be Used Later so that even the dullest among us can feel prescient. Anyway, after some dreary and forgettable reminiscing about life, Bella trips her way to the dance studio and bursts through the doors, only to find that her mother's voice was just the VCR playing all along (you may recall that I mentioned the VCR wreaked of trap-iness a chapter or two ago... Shmeyer clearly didn't give my third-person omniscience its due credit). James then shows up to gloat about the fact that he was able to trap her with the clever use of a VCR (hell, that he was able to USE a VCR), and promptly begins monologuing--the cardinal sin of villains, yes, but he's doing it properly. Monologuing is a problem when you have a frayed bungee-cord loosely wrapped around Batman and you wax poetic about world domination with your back turned, but when you're staring down the world's clumsiest damp sock of a character and she has nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no backup, exposition has never been more fun. And at first, it is-- with his delightfully twisted politeness and friendly demeanor, James is probably the most interesting thing in this book so far. He's a top bloke, despite how he wants to eat Bella--scratch that, ESPECIALLY since he wants to eat Bella--until he goes a little too far with the exposition. At first, he's just setting up a camera to film dinner, saying how this was all too easy and he wants Edward to come after him to make things fun, but then he starts going on about his previous exploits and suddenly we've got Alice's entire mysterious back-story hurled at us from heaven-knows-where. It seems this has all happened before-- back in the 1920's, a vampire was in love with a girl who was institutionalized for having visions, and to save her from James, the vamp broke the girl out of the loony bin and turned her vampy, too. She was James' only target to have ever escaped, so in revenge he killed the vampire who turned her, and somehow Bella deduces that the girl was Alice. James then briefly dwells on the irony that he's taking Bella from the Cullens, but they still get the only prey he's ever lost. Finally, he decides to get on with things; he circles, Bella tries to run, and he kicks her into a few mirrors and breaks her leg before she realizes she's bleeding and hopes he can't toy with her much more before killing her--the best ending of any chapter so far? I think so.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. James mentions that Bella's lack of self-preservational skills is interesting. If he'd had to read about every instance of her tripping, falling, dropping things, running into doors, and generally failing at life, I'm willing to bet he'd rethink that statement.

2. While going through Alice's backstory and whatnot, James mentions that she smelled even better than Bella. He then apologizes and assures Bella she has a very nice smell. What an oddly charming bastard.

3. After being little more than a topic of conversation the last few chapters, James is finally being interesting-- which means Shmeyer's going to kill him off very, very soon. Things that steal the spotlight from Bella aren't allowed to live (other characters' intelligence, for example).

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Wonderfully absent this chapter. Wherever it is, though, God forbid it makes for a more enjoyable read-- then Shmeyer might have to blind Ed for the remainder of the series.

Toast Patrol 7: Return of the Revenge!

It's a toasty two-pack!

Forrest Gumption: Back in the lair of the tree-dwelling Robo-Pattinson…

Forrest Gumption: We all remember.

Pither: Oh, so THATS what he is in the light.

Forrest Gumption: He floats.

Pither: Sorry if this is lewd, but

Pither: what a bunch of horridly ugly people.

Forrest Gumption: This is the kind of thing his kind normally do in dark alleys or roadside rest areas.

Pither: Is he getting flagged?

Pither: In mid-float?

Pither: Was he floating without a permit?

imp.toast: I d'know...

imp.toast: It kind of just looks like he's being held back from going through with the worst scare attempt ever.

Forrest Gumption: This might be the most extreme game of two-hand touch ever.

Pither: "Does it hurt when i do this?"

Pither: "Is this where he hid the lamp?"

Pither: "Oh wow, it really is like a washboard."

Pither: "Don't push me there, I freeze in a weird hands in the air position."

Pither: "Aw jeez, and ya went and done it anyway."

imp.toast: One of my minor goals in life is now to find Rob Pattinson, grab his stomach, and see if he flails like that.

Pither: "Help, there's a girl on my back!"

Pither: "get it off get it off get it off"

imp.toast: That's not a girl, that's a disembodied pair of un-emotive eyebrows.

Pither: And a shoe.

imp.toast: Actually, the more I look, the more of a confusing mishmash of limbs this becomes.

Pither: "How'd you get up there?" "It was that Potter jerk. Thinks he's all high and mighty just because he's the name of a superior franchise."

imp.toast: "Now Rob, just because you died in that franchise..."

Pither: "NO, IT'S NOT OKAY"

imp.toast: "And you didn't get to take your shirt off..."

Pither: "I WAS GOING TO FIGHT RALPH FIENNES TOO"

imp.toast: "And I know they made you wash your hair, but really..."

Pither: "I hate being stuck up here like this. I'm so exposed to the ... the light..."

imp.toast: "Rob, you need to come down out of the tree. We won't make you bathe or act well, we promise."

Pither: (SHING SPARKLE SPARKLE)

imp.toast: "Rob, stop pretending to be a spatula. Your makeup is running."

Pither: "I want to look beautiful. What is more beautiful?"

imp.toast: Well... compared to this picture, pretty much anything.

Pither: "I have a pimple in my ear."

Pither: "You don't get to look at my hair anymore."

Forrest Gumption: So, explanations?

Forrest Gumption: They're about 20 mins into a Twilight series marathon.

Forrest Gumption: Bella is trying to look seductive.

Pither: "No, I said to stop after 5. Nine tacos is far too many, look at you now."

Forrest Gumption: Eddie Pee-Pants' hair is just off-screen.

Pither: C-c-c-c-cop a feel.

imp.toast: He thought that dropping acid would make the script make sense, but he was wrong...

Forrest Gumption: Newspaper title reads: "SMEYER to write buddy cop trilogy, 'Jacob and the Baby'."

Pither: "No, they're about to turn the fences back on..."

Forrest Gumption: I think they already have turned the fences on.

Forrest Gumption: He's remembering the last time.

Forrest Gumption: Because he looks like Tim.

imp.toast: He just found out he has to be there for the birthing scene in the last movie.

Pither: "(don't think about poop don't think about poop don't think abOUT POOOOOOooooop)"

Pither: "It's a cat... on a keyboard..... we're not in a space hotel room.. are we...?"

Pither: "OH NO"

imp.toast: He just watched his performance in The Last Airbender.

imp.toast: And so did they.

imp.toast: You can see the revulsion and pity on their faces.

Pither: He just got a coathanger rammed up his poop chute.

Pither: As I said before, I wish the guy in the back WAS M Shadows.

Pither: So he could push these sniveling rats off the screen into the abyss of evil and guns.

imp.toast: I think he's about to.

Forrest Gumption: They're looking into the abyss.

Forrest Gumption: And the evil gun-hole is looking back.

imp.toast: The other two are just handling it a lot better than Ralph McPukeface.

Pither: And the guy behind them is the master of ceremonies.

Pither: "Tonight is the night where you DIE AH HA HA HA HA HA ha ha!"

imp.toast: Now his life is flashing before his eyes, and he's not liking what he's seeing.

Pither: His past life is in fact rejecting itself and packing its bags and leaving for a better host.

imp.toast: That, or Edward peed on the carpet again.

Chapter Twenty-One (or, Nothing Interesting Happens in a Hotel Room, Pt 2)

(Or, Please Oh Please Oh Please Someone Get Me Out of This Hotel Room)

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Still confined to the hotel room, Bella wakes up early again and wanders into the front room for no real reason. There, Alice is sketching a new room from a new vision. Bella recognizes it as a room in her mother's house, prompting Alice to immediately call the good Mr. Dr. and company. Bella hyperventilates for a bit, resisting Jasper's attempts to calm her down-- he's had to so many times over the last three chapters, she seems to have built up a tolerance. Alice hangs up and tells Bella Edward is coming to get her so he can hide her elsewhere, throwing Bella into another rant about how her protection is putting everyone in danger, and that they can't possibly protect everyone she cares about forever (which is debatable, since she's only shown evidence of giving a flaming flip about maybe three people in this book). She storms off to her room and curls up in the fetal position for several hours--yes, the fetal position, for several hours. Shmeyer wrote that. I kid you not. Anyway, Alice's phone rings, and Bella wanders into the front room again because even she can sense that this book isn't going anywhere without its frail, newly-discovered plot. Alice informs her that Ed's plane is landing in a few hours, at which point the phone rings again and everyone acts very surprised. Upon answering, Alice hands Bella the phone, saying it's her mother calling back. Bella answers the phone, and her relief at hearing her mother's voice quickly turns to horror when James gets on and explains how Bella has to somehow get away from Alice and Jasper, go to her mother's house, and call the number he leaves by the phone-- provided that Bella doesn't want something dicey to happen to Mum. After hanging up, Bella sits on her bed, resigning herself to the idea that she has to die with a whirlwind monologue evocative of all the worst bits of angst-ridden high school poetry. She then realizes that she'll also never see Edward again, and the angst-ologue starts anew. Bella returns to the front room and asks Alice if she'll take a letter to Bella's mom's house for her; Alice agrees. Bella then writes a letter to Edward instead, in which her angst reiterates itself, then wallows in its own self-pity before beating itself to death with a sorrowful farewell.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. They're still stuck in the hotel room, did I mention? I'm sure I did, but Shmeyer brings it up so VERY many times that I felt everyone should hear it again. By the way, they're still stuck in a hotel room.

2. After the previous chapter and now this one, I feel as if I'M stuck in a hotel room with Bella, and that's one of the very last places I ever want to be. I'd really like to kill her now. Team James, anyone?

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- not in the chapter once again, so let's modify this section:

INTENSITY OF MY BOREDOM WITH THIS CHAPTER-- aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuughhhhh... {as I claw madly at my own head in a desperate attempt to free my brain from Shmeyer's prose}

Chapter Twenty (In which nothing interesting happens in a hotel room)

In reading back over previous posts, I'm realizing that my summaries are slowly growing more embittered and snarky. It seems Twilight is hastening my metamorphosis into my true form... in five years or less, I may very well be a disaffected and dry-humored British food critic.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella wakes up in a hotel room. She's confused (surprise!), but then remembers the ride to Phoenix. Alice comes in and tells Bella she ordered food for her, so they go into the front room where Jasper is watching TV. For some reason that isn't well-articulated, Bella asks her vamp babysitters what's wrong. Alice assures her that nothing is wrong, they're just waiting for Mr. Dr. Cullen to call with news, but Bella doesn't believe her and starts freaking out about not hearing from the others. Jasper uses his happy-hoodoo powers to calm her down yet again, prompting me to wonder why he hasn't just set himself to 'calm Bella down' mode for the last three chapters. Later in the afternoon, Bella tries and fails to take a nap, so she ends up talking to Alice about the mechanics of vampire transformation. Alice points out that Edward will be very angry if she tells Bella, but she shares the theory anyway-- it seems vampires are venomous, so if their incapacitated prey isn't killed, the venom spreads and turns the victim vampy. I find it amusing that she keeps saying they're unsure about the 'theory'--they know that's how it happens. It seems pretty straightforward. Anyway, Alice suddenly jumps up, saying something's changed. Jasper sits her back down and interrogates her; she describes a mysterious, long room with a wood floor and walls covered in mirrors, and a gold bar of some sort running across the mirrors (y'know, like a dance studio... EXACTLY like a dance studio). She says it's too dark to see where it is (maybe it's a DANCE STUDIO), but James is there, and somewhere in a dark room there's a VCR playing. Now, I can't speak for everyone, but in my mind, this sounds rather like a trap. However, Alice, Jasper, and Bella continue to be confused about the whole mess, but before their mystical musing can get much further, the phone rings and Mr. Dr. Cullen tells them what they already know about James not being not in the mystery room anymore (if that sentence confused you, God help you if you ever try to read this book). Edward gets on the phone to talk to Bella, and some pancreas-destroying saccharine dialogue is exchanged. After the phone call, the hotel group goes back to being bored and sitting around. Alice starts sketching out the room from her vision, and ultimately it takes Bella to identify it as a dance studio. I'm not sure if I've properly communicated how dumb Alice and Jasper have seemed in this chapter, but it's a testament to Shmeyer's writing and the absolute damp-sock-ishness of Bella's character that, to have Bella do or say anything intelligent, everyone else in the scene has to behave in a staggeringly stupid manner. At any rate, Bella says the studio looks like the one where she took ballet lessons as a child (yet no humorous, accident-laden flashback-- suppressing some memories there, Shmeyer?). The studio is only a few blocks from her mother's place, and suddenly everyone realizes that this is a potential problem. Bella calls her mom's house and leaves a voicemail, begging her to call back as soon as she gets the message. Then, the excitement is over, and they all go back to sitting around the hotel room.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella wakes up at 3 AM, then spends the rest of the chapter complaining about what a long day it is.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Ed's only appearance in this chapter is over the phone, so we can only assume that his eyes glisten with the smarm of 1000 Kodak moments.

Chapter Nineteen (In which the entire Universe changes course to revolve around Bella)

In this chapter, helpless, hopeless, whiny-pining Bella has a plan that actually works. Any credibility or consistency this book has had is quickly leaking out of the holes in the plot.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The Cullens take Bella to her house, where Bella puts her plan into effect by storming around her house flailing and pretending to be mad at Edward. She tells Charlie she can't stay in Forks another minute, packs a bag, and storms out, giving her dad the same line that her mother apparently gave when she left. It has the desired effect, and Charlie stays behind, looking dejected. Bella gets in her truck, where Edward is waiting, and they speed off toward the Cullen's house. Edward confirms that Tracker James is following them away from Charlie's and explains to Bella that the Cullen's attempts to protect her make her a more exciting target (since she hasn't already complained about their protection enough). Emmett and Alice show up, and once the truck gets to the Cullen's, Emmett grabs Bella and runs her into the house 'like a football', presumably so that Shmeyer can remind us once again that she's heard of sports. Inside, the family is waiting with Laurent (remember Laurent?), who goes on for a while about how strong, powerful, and relentless (and sexy, and dreamy, and perfect) James is. Laurent bears the Cullens no ill will, but he doesn't want to fight, so he leaves, warning the Cullens not to underestimate the sparkling studliness that is James. The Cullens quickly work out a plan to sneak Bella out of the house-- Esme switches clothes with Bella to confuse her scent (after Rosalie refuses), then she leaves with Rosalie, along with a hunting party of Mr. Dr. Cullen, Emmett, and Edward. Alice and Jasper hang back and wait to sneak Bella to Phoenix. While they wait, Jasper uses his magical power of feelings and tells Bella that no matter how inadequate she feels, she's worth protecting. Aww.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. During her 'I Can't Stay in Forks Another Minute' rant, Bella says that she doesn't want to get stuck in Forks, so she can't put down any more roots. Not only does Bella hate plants, she's now afraid of becoming one.

2. Edward tells Bella that the way to kill a vampire is to tear it to shreds and burn the pieces. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that's an effect way to kill pretty much everything.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- more in tents than the entirety of the Regional Boy Scout Jamboree at 3 AM.

Toast Patrol Strikes Back!-- A Visual Companion

1. badtaxidermy.com-- One of my absolute favorite websites. I'm not going to give you a visual for this one because I really, really want you to click the link.

2. I'M KING OF THE WORLD-- A reference to the iconic scene in Titanic, in which Leonardo DiCaprio's character yells, 'I'm king of the world!' I've never seen the movie myself, but I think it's important to note that, comparing photos, Edward is Kate Winslet's character in the scenario. As long as no one draws him like one of their French girls...

3. ROCKET J. SQUIRREL-- The full name of Rocky and Bullwinkle's Rocky, the flying squirrel. For those of you who aren't familiar with old cartoons (or my moose-thusiasm), now you know why I demand Bella be a moose.

A New Toast Patrol--A Visual Companion

1. CARLTON BANKS-- Carlton was the cousin of Will Smith's character in the TV show Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. As evidenced by the picture above, he was a fan of the draped-sweater look.

2. LUPUS-- Here's another TV reference. On the show House, Hugh Laurie plays the magnificently crotchety Dr. House, who likes to inform people that the mysterious illness of the week is not lupus.

3. THE TWILIGHTS HE WAS LOOKING FOR-- These aren't them. Obi-Wan Kenobi said so.

4. FORMING A HYPOTENUSE-- The hypotenuse is the side opposite the 90-degree angle of a right triangle. This applies to all right triangles, not only the isosceles right triangle pictured (another common example is the 30 degree-60-degree-90-degree right triangle).

I believe that, in the context used, Mr. Gumption actually meant 'hypothesis', but that's a different matter.

Toast Patrol 1-- A Visual Companion

The Toast Patrol segment has a long (well, not that long) and glorious (certainly glorious) history of using obscure pop culture references, along with just being outright strange. We realize that many of you don't have a context for a good bit of we say (and I'm willing to bet most of you thought we made up the word 'intellivision'), but we're also firm believers in weird education, and we want our toastyfriends to be in on our jokes. So, here's a visual reference guide to some of the stranger bits of our very first Toast Patrol, starting with...

1. JAPANESE RUBBER SUIT MONSTER--

Typically associated with the Godzilla franchise of old (and knockoffs thereof), they're rubber, they're monster suits, and they're often Japanese. We here at Toast Patrol HQ have devoted a sizable portion of our collective heart to rubber suit monsters, so expect them to come up again.

2. CEREBRO--

Cerebro is the giant machine-thing that Professor Xavier (of the X-Men) uses to amplify/visualize his psychic power--it's a huge psychic amphitheatre of sorts. If you haven't read the comic or seen the movies, just trust us... there's a psychic dude named Professor X, and Cerebro is his big round room where he watches the pretty pictures in his head.

3. PHOTOSHOP> FILTER> RENDER> CLOUDS--

For the non-photoshop-literate, this is how you make a basic cloud texture. If you get the chance to use photoshop, try it. Then you'll understand just how easy it was to make the crappy backgrounds on all those Twilight fan pics.

EDDIE-PEE-PANTS-- That water wasn't always green...

INTELLIVISION-- It's actually a game system, a la Atari. And yeah, it's that old... just look at that retro-tastic finish.

Chapter Eighteen (In which a plot may be trying to claw its way back from the void Shmeyer has banished it to)

Chapter eighteen--three-quarters of the way through Twilight, at last. I warn you in advance, toastyreaders, this chapter will disappoint you. True, we start to get the faintest inkling of a plot that doesn't involve Ed and Bella's snogging schedule, but we're also teased with the carrot of Bella being in mortal peril. Remember, though, that carrot is nothing but a pointy orange stick of empty promises-- not only does Bella survive the chapter, she survives three more books.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The Cullen crew casually (suspiciously casually?) stops playing ball just when the not-so-surprise vampire visitors arrive. There are three of them, and one steps forward and introduces himself to Mr. Dr. Cullen as Laurent, adding that the others are James and Victoria (two guys and a girl, in case Laurie LeFrenchpants confused you). I mention names and whatnot because these three will probably be important soon enough, and given the rate at which the story has been failing to move along, let's cross our fingers and hope they make some fast trouble. Anyhoo, Mr. Dr. Cullen and Laurent chat a bit, Laurent expresses interest in the Cullens' ability to keep a permanent residence (it would seem vampers are notoriously bad tenants), and Mr. Dr. Cullen invites the newcomers back to the house, after politely asking them not to hunt nearby for fear of blowing their cover. Just as everyone is about to head back to Chateau Cullen, a convenient breeze carries Bella's scent to James, who perks up and starts talking about snacks. Edward gets rather huffy about this, and the boys assume hostile positions and show their teeth in a somewhat-effective display of aggression. Mr. Dr Cullen insists that Bella is with their family (as does big n' beefy Emmett) and Laurent calls James off, recalling that they agreed not to hunt on the Cullens' turf. A few more lines of tension are thrown in for dramatic effect, but everyone still gets to head to the Cullen house. Alice, Emmett, and Edward announce that they're taking Bella back in the Jeep; once they all strap in, though, Bella finds out that they're actually planning to kidnap her and take her far, far away. James is apparently a 'tracker', and through Edward's handy mind-reading shtick, they've determined that he is now going to hunt Bella relentlessly (hoorah!) unless they can take her somewhere he'll never find her (booo). Bella, however, doesn't want to go anywhere. She throws a fit and demands they stop risking their cover for her (which they're really not) and that she can take care of it herself (which she absolutely can't, especially when there are twigs for her to trip over and stairs for her to fall down). When it's mentioned that James is tracking her smell, she realizes that he'll probably start at Charlie's house, where he'll probably kill Charlie. Edward and Alice argue over which of their mostly non-existent plans they should go with, when Bella pipes up with a plan of her own-- she'll go to her house, tell Charlie she's moving back to Phoenix, then leave, leading James awry. No one can come up with anything better, so they decide to go with Bella's plan, after which Alice and Jasper will take her into hiding in Phoenix while Edward and Emmett stay and try to distract James. They change course for Bella's house, while Bella contemplates whether it'd be worse to be taken away from Edward for a few days or be snacked on.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Instead of gold eyes like the Cullens', the newcomers' eyes are burgundy. Snacking on people is apparently the cheap and easy vamp equivalent of buying colored contacts.

2. There's some sort of weird tension through the whole book between Edward and Alice. It's not very well-defined--or written, for that matter--but Shmeyer keeps bringing it up, and in this chapter it causes them to argue a lot. Really, a lot, as in several pages of an uninterrupted Edward-and-Alice bicker-fest.

3. While Bella is describing a particularly sneaky part of her plan, Emmett laughs and calls her 'diabolical'. Bella is clearly a projection of Shmeyer, which means Shmeyer most likely sees herself as being diabolical. I'm starting to suspect--just a bit--that she's doing this to the world on purpose, the fiend.

Chapter Seventeen (in which baseball is more or less played)

Alright, kids... it's time for some vampire baseball. Are you ready? I'm not.

CHAPTER SUMMARY--Edward drives Bella home, but when they arrive at her house, Jacob and Billy Black are waiting on the porch. So, Edward dashes off, leaving Bella to deal with the unexpected guests. She lets Jacob and Billy in, over-emphasizing the fact that Charlie will be home much later in the hopes that they'll leave. However, Billy sends Jacob out to the car on some useless errand, then promptly confronts Bella about her relationship with Edward. In a surprising show of abrasiveness, Bella curtly insists that it's her business, and it's her business whether Charlie knows about her business. Billy reluctantly admits defeat, then comes up with whatever excuse to leave and does so. When Charlie gets home, Bella does eventually get around to telling him she has a date with Edward Cullen, at which point Charlie stages a clearly-affected display of fatherly stuffiness. But, when Edward comes to pick Bella up, he introduces himself and quickly charms the sensibility out of Charlie, as he has with practically every other person in the bleeding book. As soon as Eddie n' Chuck start to get along, though, Bella begins acting as flabbergasted as possible, presumably because the two people whose lives are supposed to revolve around her are having their own conversation. She finally herds Edward out the door, but has second thoughts about the outing when Ed directs her to the 'monster' Jeep he's borrowed from Emmett, and she has third and possibly fourth thoughts when he straps her into the off-roading harness. All that equipment, and they still end up piggy-backing most of the way to a clearing, where the rest of the Cullens are waiting and marking bases a bit too far apart (if you'll recall, they're setting up to play baseball... try to contain your excitement). Bella, who is not a vampire and has spent a good portion of the book so far reminding us that she's too clumsy to have survived to 17, hangs back to watch. She ends up talking to Esme (Ed's 'mom'), who tells her that she's glad Edward has found her, in spite of the fact that she's human. Thunder starts, and so does the game. For anyone who has either lived in hermitage for the past ten years (if you exist, I can hardly blame you) or is otherwise unaware of 'vampire baseball', I'll explain-- vampires hit baseballs so hard that it sounds like thunder (but apparently not hard enough to break the bats and balls) and they have to put the bases very far apart because they hit it so far. Whether or not they play with special heavy-duty equipment isn't addressed; in fact, Shmeyer has so much obvious disdain for all things athletic that she can't seem to write an adequate baseball scene. Luckily for her, the game is quickly interrupted by Alice's sensing of the vampires she foresaw visiting (remember them?). Edward uses his handy mind-reading ability and adds that they heard the game and want to join. After debating whether it's too dangerous to stick around with Bella and whether they could leave before the others show up, they decide to keep casually playing and waiting for the mystery guests.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. After the piggy-back ride, Bella lets go off Edward and plops onto her bum, getting a bit of dirt and a few twigs on her pants. Since these things are plant-related (and we know how Bella feels about plants), she freaks out, causing Edward to laugh. Bella responds by becoming irrationally angry and trying to storm off in the opposite direction, which would get her lost in the woods. In other words, she does everything wrong here.

2. While the Cullens are preparing for the game, Edward runs up to Bella and Esme, 'sparkling with excitement'. Edward seems to have harnessed the power of the sun.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- He has harnessed the power of mighty Helios! Feel the awesome power of his smolder!

Toast Patrol 6: Revenge of the Toast Patrol!

Here at Toast Patrol HQ, we've decided to give you more toast at a time-- Toast Patrol now comes in packs of three! We've also been getting a little sick of the same old Twilight pictures, so this week we did our best to stay off-topic. Alas, just when we thought we were out, the bad fan-pics pulled us right back in again...

imp.toast: I know that's not actually Rob Pattinson... but I can't help wanting it to be.

Pither: What in the name of flying cheese has happened here?

Pither: What hath Satan wrought?

Pither: This is unbelievable.

Pither: This is one of the greatest photographs I've seen.

Pither: And the aftertaste!

Forrest Gumption: It tastes like suspicion and murder.

Pither: It tastes like not a great day for UPS.

Forrest Gumption: My guess is Robert Pattinson. By the river, with the sewing machine.

Forrest Gumption: Because this is clearly a mystery.

imp.toast: In a tux.

imp.toast: A mystery in a tux.

Forrest Gumption: Wrapped in a sparkly question. Inside an enigma.

Pither: Underneath a mysterious mystery of strange mystery.

Pither: I just want to be the guy in the tux.

Pither: Just show up with a questionable item at a crash site/crime scene/investigation and take a picture of me smiling with it in the background.

Forrest Gumption: Why DOES he have a sewing machine, whilst wearing a tux next to the river?

Pither: I think it's for the ladies.

imp.toast: I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that's what the cops are trying to work out.

imp.toast: That, or they're just shootin' the shite with the UPS guy.

Forrest Gumption: Just look at that crack detective squad.

Pither: I got it.

Pither: He used the sewing machine to coax the truck into the coasting off the road.

Forrest Gumption: Is this what the Mothman looks like up close?

Pither: It must be one o' them new-fangled sewin' machiners.

Pither: Those have special powers.

imp.toast: Special knocking-UPS-trucks-off-the road powers?

Pither: Yep.

Pither: They're normally used for herding cattle, but this one is defective.

Pither: It's a model that the army has been toying with for a while now.

Pither: They're KnockUPS brand.

Pither: I don't know bout you guys, but I want one.

Pither: Or six.

Pither: Just think of the things one can do with them.

Forrest Gumption: I think an even better observation-- the truck carefully backed up through some trees to get to that ledge.

Forrest Gumption: This smells of fierce intent to unbalance.

Pither: I believe that the KnockUPS sewing machine actually guides the trucks like a GPS to only crash into the desired object.

Pither: So it navigated the truck around the trees.

imp.toast: This makes me want to be a fashion major.

imp.toast: Then I could destroy the postal system while building a better tux.

Pither: Just look at what science can do.

Pither: We can't fix an oil spill, but we can give trucks a sense of sentience through psyonic sewing machines.

imp.toast: Science can... guide a truck around small trees, in spite of intent to ultimately destroy said truck?

Pither: Yeah!

Pither: Isn't that the tops?

Forrest Gumption: Is his hand strange to anyone else?

Forrest Gumption: All in all, I think this might be from Torgo's highschool scrapbook.

Pither: His fingers are flronmpy, aren't they.

Forrest Gumption: Looks like a hoof with a claw on it.

imp.toast: No, no, he's just subtly pointing toward his pants.

Pither: The sewing machine is his prom date, clearly.

Pither: And the UPS truck is his ride.

imp.toast: This may be the best prom ever!

Pither: pfffft..."MAY be" ...

Forrest Gumption: oh god

Forrest Gumption: oh man

Forrest Gumption: oh god oh MAN

Forrest Gumption: oh GOD OH MAN

Forrest Gumption: OH GOD

Forrest Gumption: OHMANOHGOD

Forrest Gumption: oh......man.

Pither: GET OFF MY MONITOR

Forrest Gumption: This was in the back of the UPS truck, on its way to Area 51 to be packed away forever with the Ark of the Covenant.

Pither: Thanks for going there.

imp.toast: Now we know why science had to destroy it.

Pither: See, they're on our side, they're looking out for the common good.

imp.toast: This picture is like the scariest 'Find the Hidden Images' game ever.

imp.toast: 'How many unspeakable horrors can YOU find?'

Pither: Why does anyone want a photograph rendering of a human face on their bed-type things?

Pither: I worry that this woman is real.

Forrest Gumption: And this woman things Edward is her lost mate.

Pither: Let's hope she isn't "thing"ing anything!

imp.toast: Um, CLEARLY the sewing machine guy is her lost mate. This woman is confused.

Forrest Gumption: OH GOOD! She's certified!

Forrest Gumption: Twice!

Pither: But for what...

imp.toast: Maybe those are just 'cheerful attitude' awards they gave her in whatever asylum she's recently broken out of.

Forrest Gumption: Maybe the sewing machine guy was also in the back of the truck, but escaped.

Forrest Gumption: Maybe he sewed this stuff, too.

Pither: I'm so frightened.

Pither: Things like this should not be.

Forrest Gumption: Well, there's one good thing to come from all of this..... now we know Twilight promotes women's self-defense.

imp.toast: How's that?

Pither: Against rape? 'cause nobody would touch her?

Forrest Gumption: Check out the "attacked from behind" poster on the wall.

Forrest Gumption: Bella is about to flip the vamp-rapist over her shoulder.

Forrest Gumption: Proving she is the alpha male.

Forrest Gumption: Because..........she is.

Pither: This woman thing is obsessed with very young couples.

Pither: One in particular, consisting of poor actors.

Pither: There are many a thing better to be obsessing over.

Pither: For example, hats.

imp.toast: True.

Pither: Or fine tables.

imp.toast: She seems to be misusing her space.

Pither: Or oddly extruded bottle door opener handle bars.

imp.toast: I... have no idea what those are, but I'm sure they should have hats on them.

Pither: They're entirely more interesting and important than bad actor couples that scowl all the time and sparkle.

Forrest Gumption: So.........wait. Someone had to take this photo.

Forrest Gumption: I might be a bit more scared now than when we began.

Pither: The camera might have been placed on a timer.

Forrest Gumption: Cameras these days have a safety for such things.

Pither: Oh right, I hadn't taken that into account.

Forrest Gumption: Another advance of science.

Pither: All the better that the sewing machine is winning the arms race.

Forrest Gumption: Oh, Manowar is having a reunion tour.

Pither: "Even an Asian can bleed."

imp.toast: They're not Asian.

imp.toast: I think Asians have more hair than this.

Pither: TONIGHT WE DINE ON THE MOON!

imp.toast: I'm not sure I can see these guys dining on anything more butch than a nice house salad.

imp.toast: With low-fat dressing.

Forrest Gumption: They have matching tattoos, meaning they're in a gang, or they've all dated.

Pither: Do you think they are wiener cousins?

imp.toast: Those designs are just to cover up each other's names, since the relationships didn't work out.

Pither: Why do they all look so filthy?

Pither: Oh wow, how could i forget.

Pither: ".... Our shirts are removed..."

Forrest Gumption: "I am afloat with passion...."

Forrest Gumption: "...lost in your eyes!"

Pither: Lost in our eyes.

imp.toast: Well, I think we know now why none of these guys are alpha male.

Pither: The guy in the very back center is just goin' "Hi, Aunt Mepple! Yeah, these are the guys."

Forrest Gumption: Dude! Check out Videodrome next to Jacob!

Forrest Gumption: He has a concave chest-gina.

Forrest Gumption: Well, ab-gina.

imp.toast: AGH!

Pither: Vaginab.

imp.toast: My chat window was covering him.

imp.toast: ... and now it is again.

Pither: You don't realize how different it really is, not having any context to put this in at all.

Forrest Gumption: These are all Jacob cosplayers hanging out with a cardboard cutout of a painting of Jacob.

imp.toast: You know, all these guys are supposed to be Native American, but they look like a bunch of guys of different descent who've been airbrushed the same caramel-crap color.

Forrest Gumption: The guy on the left wins because he too tilts his head down while smoldering.

Pither: I don't know why they are shirtless, I don't know why they are in the forest, I don't know why there isn't a moon present; new or old.

imp.toast: That guy on the left smoldered any and all moons out of existence.

Pither: The guy middle left is every cook at Chili's.

Forrest Gumption: Is the guy on the right Doug Jones in Native American makeup?

Forrest Gumption: Wouldn't be shocked at all.

imp.toast: ... Do you realize how freakishly tall the rest of them would have to be to make Doug Jones look like the Elijah Wood of the bunch?

Forrest Gumption: Jacob's not tall, he's just in the foreground.

Pither: The guy on the right is a disembodied torso.

imp.toast: Ah, forced perspective.

Forrest Gumption: He could be a centaur.

Pither: Or a putz.

Forrest Gumption: We don't have enough visual information.

Pither: Let's go with putz.