Chapter Fifteen (which I would refer to as 'Family Matters', but then people might expect humor)

It should be pointed out that, since the meadowy frolics, Edward can't keep his hands off Bella (not to mention his sniffer). Luckily, this is the chapter where he takes her home to meet he fam, so he keeps his hands to himself... mostly.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella wakes up and is ecstatic to find that Edward stayed the whole night--it seems he spent most of the night sitting in the corner, watching her sleep. If I woke up to a guy sitting in my room staring at me, I'm pretty sure my immediate reaction wouldn't be elation, but I must admit I've never been in such a situation and will therefore reserve my judgement. Anyhoo, Edward then shows his sensitivity to Bella's human condition by reminding her to eat breakfast (hear that, twi-tards? Edward likes a lady wif some brekkie in her. Eat some damn cereal!), at which point he asks if she'd like to spend the day meeting his family. She agrees, then spends a good while fussing over her outfit. They finally make it out the door and drive through the woods to his house, which is a very nice house with a very nice outside and some very nice trees and a nice big glass wall. There, Edward introduces Bella to his parents, Carlisle (Mr. Dr. Cullen) and Esme, who are also very nice. Alice (remember Alice?) comes running in and greets Bella enthusiastically. Bella also meets Jasper, whose special vampire power is basically charisma. The other two members of the Cullen crew, Emmett and Rosalie, are noticeably absent--as Edward explains to Bella, Rosalie is paranoid about anyone outside the family knowing the truth, not to mention a bit jealous that Bella is human. He also warns her that he might be overprotective (really? noooooo...) during the next week or two, since Alice forsees other vampires visiting Forks soon (Alice, it might as well be pointed out, can see the future). At some point, Mr. Dr. Cullen's backstory comes up, and is apparently the focus of the next chapter. It actually sounds kind of interesting-- at least, compared to the drivel that is the entirety of the book so far-- so, fingers crossed.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward is ratted out by his mum as being very musical. She makes him play piano for Bella, at which point we learn that vampy speed and agility lets one duet with oneself.

2. While assuring her that she looks wonderful in the umpteenth outfit she's tried on, Edward kisses Bella. She faints. Wow.

3. Alice greets Bella with a hug and kiss on the cheek, then adds that 'she does smell nice'. Apparently, when Edward was describing his new girlfriend to the family, 'smells good' was toward the top of the list.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- threat level sparkle.

Return of the Toast Patrol!

Have you ever wondered what the Toast Patrol would be like with more obscure pop culture references and a quick decline into utter madness? Wonder no more, tastyfans!

Pither: The Cullens...and yet no Optimus...

Forrest Gumption: There's Edward, and Bella, and Mufasa, and Ben Kenobi.

Forrest Gumption: ... and a dragon voiced by Sean Connery.

toastbuster: It's funny.... I didn't realize it was the Cullens {SARCASM!}.

Pither: Y'know... none of them, NONE of them look like interesting or fun people.

Pither: They're all sad and pitiful looking.

Forrest Gumption: That man in the back looks like he wants to play some funny games.

toastbuster: Actually, yeah. He looks like the kind of guy who would show up to your house in little white tennis shorts and start killing people.

Pither: This picture is a fan-made thing right? Or is it supposed to be this dreadful looking?

Pither: The guy on the far right wishes he was M Shadows for some reason.

Forrest Gumption: I wish I was M Shadows.

Forrest Gumption: Then I could host a Saturday morning horror movie show.

toastbuster: In the sky?

Forrest Gumption: On the East side.

Forrest Gumption: In a castle.

Forrest Gumption: With some pie.

toastbuster: In the sky?

Pither: Sky pie, superior to floor pie.

toastbuster: I'm partial to pumpkin, myself.

Forrest Gumption: Ah, but go even deeper, and mud pies always win.

Pither: Not skittles.

Forrest Gumption: I......honestly don't even know how to take that statement.

Chapter Fourteen (in which a 108-year-old guy stalks a 17-year-old girl, yet nothing seems amiss)

I tried rugby last night, and it was a lot of fun. Then I read Chapter Fourteen, and it was no fun at all. Today, I'm suffering for both. Oh, well... at least the sore muscles will go away eventually.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- On the ride home from the meadowy frolics of Chapter Thirteen, Edward listens to some 50's music, prompting Bella to ask how old he really is. He admits that he was born in 1901 and was turned vampy in 1918 in lieu of dying from Spanish influenza. He goes on to explain how and when each of his 'family' members were turned, and we get some back story on the Cullen clan that I quite frankly don't care enough about to regurgitate here (if it's important, it'll come up later). When they get to Bella's house, Edward asks to come in-- polite, until he whips out the hidey-key that he shouldn't know about and unlocks the door himself. Bella is understandably a bit shocked and asks if Edward has been spying on her. Yes, of course, he was 'curious' about her before and wanted to observe her, but upon further questioning Edward admits that he comes to the house every night and watches her sleep. Bella is then understandably appalled, especially when Edward tells her she's interesting to watch because she talks in her sleep. He quickly assures her that she's never said anything embarrassing, but their conversation is cut short by Charlie getting home. Edward slips away, but when Bella heads up to her room, he's waiting on her bed, clearly liberated by the admission that he's there every night anyway. Bella is through having understandable reactions at this point, so she snuggles up with him, and they talk about a few more pointless things before she drifts off to sleep.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. In Edward's exposition on his family back story, we find out that his sister Alice woke up alone with no memory of her previous life or who turned her, along with the standard vampiric enhancement of strength/agility/etc and some funky premonitions... Resident Evil 2, anyone?

2. Edward admits that he was always extremely jealous when Mike and co. were flirting with Bella, going so far as to call Mike 'odious'. You know a man's really jealous when he starts breaking out the five-dollar words.

3. Do you listening to any music from the 50's or 60's? My lord, you must be old. Like, 100 at least.

4. Edward tells Bella she smells like a tasty, tasty flower.

5. According to Edward's account of what Bella talks about in her sleep, even her subconscious hates plants.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- currently set to 'gorgon'.

Chapter Thirteen (or, Love Frolics in a Scenic Meadow)

So, the last chapter left us eagerly anticipating what happens to Edward in the sunlight. He's assured Bella that he won't spontaneously combust, but what then? Will he swoon and/or projectile vomit? Will he suddenly burst into flora like a chia pet? Will he become the sort of proper gent who likes sleeves on his collared shirts? Places your bets now, then read on for the exciting conclusion to this minor cliffhanger!

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- He sparkles. I have to say, if I hadn't known ahead of time, I don't think I would have handled it well. [Vampires + sunlight = sparkle] could have been the equation that put me over the edge and prompted me to chuck the book down the stairs, followed closely by a string of inspired profanity. However, I do not live under a large rock and therefore do hear things that the rest of the world hears, so I was prepared for the sparkly bits. What I wasn't prepared for was the rest of this hideous chapter-- twenty-five nauseating pages of tentative romance. After Edward shows off his glittering abs, there's a lot of laying around in a meadow, awkwardly caressing each other's hands for the first time. Bella gets a whiff of Edward's sexy breath and starts to lean in for a kiss, which propels Edward into a freak-out. He runs around the clearing, ripping up trees and generally demonstrating how hopeless it would be for Bella to fight back if she tried. Then, as suddenly as his fit started, he calms down and returns to sitting about in the meadow, where he says some very smarmy things, like how Bella is the 'most important thing to him ever' and so on. Most of the chapter is spent in a sort of weird cuddling exercise-- Edward is worried about losing control around Bella and has almost completely avoided physical contact up until this point, so he uses up pages upon pages getting used to touching her. Mind you, it's not as steamy as it sounds. There isn't a thing in this chapter scandalous enough to make the most repressed Victorian spinster blush, although the writing might be adequately awful to provoke even her to a rousing cry of 'Bollocks!' and a hearty heave of the offending book. Anyway, nothing of note happens during the G-rated love-fest in the meadow, and eventually they start back down the trail. Edward insists on giving Bella a piggy-back ride through the woods, which turns out to be a breakneck bullet-train-from-hell sort of affair (she can't handle him driving over the speed limit, but this should be fine for her, yeah?). Due to traveling by Ed-rocket, they get back to the car very quickly, and another page or so is taken up by Shmeyer's need to make sure we grasp just how woozy the experience has made Bella. She finally composes herself, but Edward decides to make matters woozier and attempts to kiss her. The moment starts out cautiously (understandable), but Bella gets a taste of the sexy breath, and suddenly she's gripping his head and trying to suck his face off (and this whole time we were worried about Edward losing control). Edward cuts that business short, but it goes more smoothly on the second attempt, and Bella is so overwhelmed by competent kissing that Edward has to drive.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella tells Edward that she'd rather die than stay away from him. Oh, if only.

2. While trying to explain the effect Bella has on him, Edward says that she's his brand of heroin. Does that means he's her brand of cold medicine? Or would that be Jacob, since she uses him gratuitously?

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Is Edward's dad a thief? 'Cuz someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in his eyes... then decided that was an acceptable substitute for a plot.

Chapter Twelve (in which nothing is more important than the knowledge that we're halfway there)

Ah, Chapter Twelve-- after this, we're officially halfway through this 24-chapter monstrosity! In honor of this glorious achievement, I'd like to take a moment to briefly review the important things that have happened so far.

Ha ha, just kidding. Nothing important has happened so far.

And now, on to the final obstacle between us and the halfway point-- the twelfth chapter. Be warned, toasties... this chapter drags on for what seems like an eternity. While reading, I honestly started to believe it would never end. At any rate, I'll try to make it as painless as possible-- the key term being 'as possible'.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter kicks off with Charlie pulling up to the house, soon after Jacob and Billy Black. Billy and Charlie head off to the living room to watch some sort of sporting event on TV, while Jacob tails Bella into the kitchen. Conversation ensues, and since Bella is involved, Edward quickly becomes the topic. We learn that Billy and Charlie have argued about the Cullens in the past-- Charlie appreciates Mr. Dr. Cullen's contribution to society, while Billy holds the more traditional belief that they're dangerous (or rather, vampires). Anyhoo, Jacob and Billy leave before anything else of note comes up, and the next day Edward shows up as usual to take Bella to school. It's the day before the no-longer-Seattle trip, so Edward tells Bella that he's leaving after lunch to go hunting with Alice, who is apparently the most 'supportive' of his siblings. He explains that his siblings are worried that he'll lose control and attack Bella, thereby exposing the whole family. Bella then meets Alice briefly, Alice and Edward leave, and Bella goes dejectedly about the rest of the school day. That night, she's so anxious that she can't sleep, so she takes cold medicine to knock herself out--understandable, but then she spends such a long time agonizing over how bad she feels about her 'gratuitous drug use' that it's pretty much impossible not to judge her. The next day, she wakes up (disappointing), fusses over her outfit for a good long while, then meets Edward at the door. She insists on driving, so Edward directs her to a woody area, where he drags her along on a lengthy hike. Eventually, they come to a sunny clearing, where Edward makes good on his promise to show Bella what the light REALLY does to vampires. He rips open his shirt, steps out into the light, and... OMG CLIFFHANGER.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. When Edward shows up at Bella's house, his outfit pretty much matches hers. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed.

2. When they start out on the hike, Edward takes off his sweater, revealing a sleeveless, collared shirt. He buttons it down a bit. I'm now pretty sure he's the one who should be more embarrassed.

3. When Bella sees Edward in all of his sleeveless, buttoned-down glory, she is so overwhelmed by his god-like physique that she becomes incredibly distressed, almost to the point of being physically (certainly mentally) sick. She's so visibly upset that Edward gets worried and offers several times to take her home. I take it all back-- she's the one who should be more embarrassed, on account of being unable to cope with life and male musculature.

4. We're officially halfway done! Go take some gratuitous cold meds and sleep it off, kids.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- The creepiest kid from high school, exaggerated tenfold and given an endless supply of eyedrops. It's a smolder to haunt your dreams, not to mention any exposed skin.

Toast Patrol FAIL

Understand, toastyfans, that Toast Patrol is susceptible to the same poor fortune as the next awesome group of witty conversationalists. Here's an example of a toasty patrol gone wrong...

Forrest Gumption: SHUT UP WOMAN GET IN MY PORSCHE!

Pither: Forbidden

You don't have permission to access /uploads/2008/05/twilight-movie-6.jpg on this server.

toasty1: Booooooooo

toasty1: Your server sucks.

Pither: My server isn't serving.

Toast Patrol Strikes Back!

Once again, my toasty observers, it's time for the Toast Patrol crew to flaunt its infantile sense of humor in the face of Twilight!

Forrest Gumption: This is the headliner on badtaxidermy.com.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: As an aspiring taxidermist, I now aspire to this.

Pither: "Nertz to you, Bell, I CAN FLY, I'M KING OF THE WORLD"

Forrest Gumption: Kinda looks like Peter Pan.

Forrest Gumption: Sparkles with pixie dust, too.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: The fruitiness has finally become too much. Even Bella can't look.

Forrest Gumption: Does anyone else think he looks like Rocket J Squirrel?

Pither: He looks stupid, does that count?

Pither: I think it counts.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: That is quite similar to Rocky's worried face.

Pither: It counts.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: I DEMAND BELLA BE A MOOSE.

Forrest Gumption: So, this is early the next morning, when Bella returns the bountiful bladder bath.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: Eh?

Forrest Gumption: It's the pee happens.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: Ah.

Pither: I thought vampires can only be out at night.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: Not if they get peed on.

Pither: Oh.

Pither: Well I guess that stands to reason.

Mr. Dr. Toasty: In light of the new concerns about sunscreen, I think we can all learn something from this.

Pither: SPF 97898

Mr. Dr. Toastyt: Is that a zip code, or do you know the exact protection rating of Bella's pee?

Forrest Gumption: It's a complex metaphor constructed by Stephenie Meyer to emphasise they're spiritual bond through a simple act of good 'ol fashioned territory markings.

Forrest Gumption: Oh no, I've used the worn their!!!!

Forrest Gumption: Wrong

Forrest Gumption: My god

Forrest Gumption: I think........ I may be writing at Twilight caliber after all these years :(

Chapter Eleven (in which Edward asks the questions we've never wanted to ask)

Another day, another chapter-ful of Stephenie Meyer's projectile word-vomit.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Immediately following the lunchroom drama of Chapter Ten, Bella and Edward head to Biology, where they sit very close to each other in the dark and completely fail to watch an educational film. Mind you, nothing scandalous happens-- they just sit there, while Bella hyperventilates a bit over how much having the lights off makes her want to snog Edward. Finally-- after what seems like an eternity of Bella describing how much she wants to snog Edward-- Biology ends, gym rolls around, and since Bella is apparently so epically bad at sports that no one will come near her, Mike (remember Mike?) offers to be Bella's badminton teammate, once again reminding us that there are several perfectly acceptable minor characters that Bella just can't pay attention to when Edward is within a few miles (or has smiled recently). On the ride home, Bella points out that it's 'later', hearkening back to the lunchroom conversation of Chapter Ten (wherein she asked whether she could see Edward hunt, and he said no, and she asked why, and he said he'd tell her later). Edward cedes that it is in fact 'later', then explains that when hunting, vampires 'govern with their senses', 'lose control', and a few other phrases evocative of the end of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Soon, the car ride is over, then very little happens until the car ride the next morning. Edward picks Bella up for school and promptly announces that it's his turn to ask questions... and he does, for the rest of the chapter. He spends the entire school day and the ride home asking every trivial question he can think of, then sits in Bella's driveway for several hours and asks more. When he realizes that Charlie is almost home, he says goodnight and starts to leave, then stops, says something about 'another complication', and leaves very abruptly (yes, it was that convoluted). Even Bella is a bit confused, especially when Jacob Black and his father Billy (of former-truck-owner fame) then pull up into her driveway. End of chapter. NOTE-- I can't be sure, but I think this may be Smeyer's first attempt at a cliffhanger.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward reads Mike's mind after gym class to find out just how spastic Bella is. Bella quickly figures that out, then throws a hissy. Just figured I'd mention it, in case anyone's counting hissies. I've lost count.

2. Bella's favorite stone is topaz, because it's the color of Edward's eyes (pshawwwwww). I don't know which flowers she prefers because apparently, Smeyer couldn't come up with a sappy enough response to merit writing it down.

3. This chapter was too bloody uninteresting for there to be anything else notable.

INTENSITY OF EDWARDS STARE-- it burrrrrrrrns...

Chapter Ten (or, People Talk to Each Other in a High School)

Since I don't think I've brought it up yet, time for an ironic side note. IRONIC SIDE NOTE-- I draw comics. That's not the ironic bit. I'm at an art school to draw comics, and in my current class, I have to work from a script. Thus, since before I dove into this little Twilight misadventure, I've been working from the the script of 30 Days of Night. Also, at my current pace, I should have the Twilight book finished about a month from when I started reading. That's the ironic bit... just, not ironic enough to rename the whole blog '30 Days of Twilight'. END IRONIC SIDE NOTE.

On another note, here's a summary of Chapter Ten. It's not ironic at all. That would be too interesting.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The next morning (after the Port Angeles affair, that is), Edward shows up bright and early to offer Bella a ride to school. The ride is wholly uneventful, but once they get to the school, Jessica is waiting to ambush Bella with boy-chatter. There's this whole weird bit with Edward reading Jessica's mind and Bella asking him what Jessica wants to know and how she should answer, but it's convoluted and not terribly interesting, so I'll move on; at Jessica's prodding, Bella admits that she really, reeeeeeally likes Edward (blushy blush), but adds that she thinks she likes him much more than he likes her. Afterwards, she heads to lunch and sits with Edward, who was listening in to Jessica's thoughts. He's upset that Bella thinks he doesn't like her as much as she likes him, and they spend the better part of lunch arguing over who cares about who more (awww...). Finally, the conversation moves along, and he asks if she really wants to go to Seattle on the day of the dance (remember Seattle?) or if she'd be up for doing something else. Romantic sap that she is, Bella just wants to be with Eddums, so she agrees to whatever. The conversation moves along one more time, with Bella asking about Edward's hunting habits. He explains a bit about bare-handed vampire-style hunting, his favorite snack being mountain lion, etc. When Bella off-handedly asks if she could see him hunt, he flips out (in an increasingly familiar manner) and angrily tells her no. She asks why, and eventually presses him into agreeing to tell her later. End lunch, end scene.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. This chapter once again finds Bella eating breakfast. Ladies, take note.

2. Hunting laws apparently only cover hunting with weapons. Vampires can hunt bears whenever they damn well please.

3. Due to excessive dazzle, Edward's 'smoldering thing' has now been deemed 'unfair'.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Penetrating 'liquid topaz'. Wait... what?

A New Toast Patrol

I hope everyone enjoyed the debut of 'Toast Patrol', because we enjoyed making it. So, here's s'more!

Forrest Gumption: Is that an antenna?

ToastyLeader: Now it's time to play a fill-in-the-blank game-- 'Edward just realized that__'

Forrest Gumption: HE'S A FRIGGIN ROBOT!

Forrest Gumption: And someone left his emotion switch set to 'did i leave the oven on?'

Pither: Bella is a man.

Forrest Gumption: Bella is clearly a sweater.

Forrest Gumption: And Edward is Carlton Banks.

Pither: Bella has a food baby.

Pither: He has exactly 22 teeth.

Pither: The lupus was hiding all along.

Pither: Those aren't the twilights he was looking for.

Pither: He has two arrows jutting out of his back.

Forrest Gumption: I think this is actually an intimate photo from the wedding night and she's trying to comfort Edward by telling him 'It happens to lots of guys.'

Forrest Gumption: The evidence is there!

ToastyLeader: And yet she looks unconvinced...

Forrest Gumption: I'm just forming a hypotenuse.

Chapter Nine (in which the conspiracy theorists win one for the home team)

As indicated by the end of the last chapter, this ninth chunk of book is essentially just a conversation and a car ride, during which we find out a lot about Edward and very little about anything else. Thus, the chapter summary will be rather brief, followed by a super-sized section of 'Notable Notes'. Ready? Okay! [cue sparkly pom-poms]

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Heading back to Forks in the ol' silver Volvo, Edward and Bella have a fairly Ed-centric conversation. She ends up mentioning Jacob's story, adding that she doesn't care if it's true. Edward is angry at her for endangering herself by not caring, but finally (FINALLY) admits to being a vampire. Information is shared, feelings are discussed, and moments of emotional vulnerability happen. Edward shows off his mad driving skills. He drops her off at home, promising her that he'll save her a seat at lunch. Then, as she falls asleep that night, we get to everyone's favorite dust jacket quote, which breaks down thusly-- (a) Edward is a vampire. (b) Part of him thirsts for Bella's blood. (c) Bella is unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. And with that, we kick off the...

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Edward is a vampire. Derp.

2. Sleeping in coffins is a myth (only bohemians do that). Actually, Edward doesn't sleep at all. He's starting to sound like the type of bloke who likes to watch girls sleep.

3. According to Edward, the sun bit is a myth, too; sunlight doesn't harm vampires at all, though Ed does add that he can't go out in the sun when people are looking.

4. The Cullen crew doesn't hunt humans. They hunt animals instead, but the temptation to nom humans is still there. Bella is a food-challenge platter of juicy hot wings to Edward's repressed, iron-deficient vegan hipster.

5. The eye thing=hunger. It seems Edward isn't experimenting with hard drugs, after all.

6. The 'dazzle' thing is still funny.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- circus fire (get it?)

Chapter Eight (in which Twilight almost goes the distance and becomes a Lifetime Original movie)

At one point in this chapter, Bella goes to a bookstore, only to discover that it's more of a hippie headshop. Through the window, she sees the friendly-looking old bat behind the counter and decides not to go in, saying that's one conversation she'd like to avoid. Of course. God forbid Bella should talk to anyone interesting. Stephenie Meyer stays well within her comfort zone in this chapter, so there's plenty of bland dialogue to go around.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Bella, Jessica, and Angela head off to nearby Port Angeles for dress shopping and a general girls' night out. A blessedly short amount of time is devoted to their dress decisions, shoe shopping, and accessorizing (eesh, not short enough), then Bella heads out to find a bookstore, promising to meet the others for dinner in an hour. Because Bella sucks at life, she gets lost and ends up in a sketchy bit of town, being followed by a sketchy group of guys. They corner her but, wouldn't you know it, Edward's car comes power-sliding up to the rescue, and he whisks her away to a cute little Italian restaurant. They run into Jessica and Angela (remember them?) who've already eaten, so at Edward's suggestion they leave Bella in his sparkly care and head back to Forks. He then insists that Bella get some nourishment, in spite of her protests that she's not hungry. They sit in a secluded table in the restaurant, where they talk about somewhat important but easily condensed things while Bella munches some breadsticks. Mostly, she gets him to admit that he can read everyone's mind but hers. She also gets him to admit that he followed her to Port Angeles in order to make sure she stayed safe, which is so peeping-creepy that even Bella knows she should be disturbed by it. Finally, Edward gets the check and they head to the car for more conversation, setting up what's sure to be a somewhat important but easily condensed beginning to Chapter Nine.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. We find out in this chapter that Edward has the ability to 'dazzle' people... as best as I can work out, he basically flashes them a big smile, and they're rendered useless for roughly 4-6 sentences.

2. Thus far, the only known applications of the 'dazzle' are: temporarily impairing people's motor skills, inhibiting conversation, and causing waitresses to show up far more than is necessary for the reader to know about.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- smoldazzling?

Toast Patrol

Now, toasty-friends, it's time for a new segment on the blog that I've taken to calling 'Toast Patrol'. The Great and Toasty One (that's me!) finds pictures that are in need of a right and proper mocking, then gives it to them. In celebration of my surmounting the sixth chapter (and in keeping with the Twilightiness that this blog is mired in for the forseeable future) I've picked from one of the many, many worthy pictures that Twilight-dom has to offer. Also, joining me are my esteemed colleagues, Forrest Gumption and Pither. Right then, let the mockery commence! Twilight, ye shall not escape the watchful eye of the TOAST PATROL!

imp.toast: First off, what are the two on the left looking at that no one else sees?

Forrest Gumption: Edward Pattinson's gigantic hair.

Forrest Gumption: It's like a Japanese rubber suit monster.

Pither: A better franchise.

Pither: Off in the distance.

Forrest Gumption: The guy in the back is trying his hardest not to pee himself with that thing in the room.

imp.toast: Does thrusting your chest out help you not pee?

Forrest Gumption: Obviously.

Forrest Gumption: Chest out, pee in.

Forrest Gumption: Meanwhile it looks like Edward there IS peeing himself.

Forrest Gumption: Kristen Stewart is the proof.

imp.toast: She looks entirely too calm for that.

Forrest Gumption: Remember he's cold, so she thinks he spilled a soda or something.

Pither: He has a slimey little secret.

Forrest Gumption: The horror of undead urine hasn't settled in yet.

imp.toast: This picture makes me more uncomfortable by the second.

Forrest Gumption: Where are they btw? This looks like the inside of Cerebro.

Forrest Gumption: Are they mutants?

Forrest Gumption: I mean, yes they are. But in the movie I mean!

imp.toast: No, no... it's one of those backdrops for elementary school pictures.

Pither: photoshop>filter>render>clouds

Forrest Gumption: Now, I don't want to offend anybody, but can you tell me why a small group of special young adults would all be in kindergarten together?

Forrest Gumption: It might have something to do with Eddie Pee-Pants there up front.

imp.toast: Um... I said ELEMENTARY school.

imp.toast: They're first grade, at least.

Pither: So where is the twilight?

Forrest Gumption: In the night sky.

Pither: I only see dark clouds.

Forrest Gumption: Behind them.

Forrest Gumption: Clearly.

Pither: So they're in front of the premise?

Forrest Gumption: They're.......eclipsing it.

Forrest Gumption: Yes.

Pither: AH

Pither: It's a play on words.

Pither: That's so intellivision.

Chapter Seven (in which conclusions aren't really reached)

Here it is, boys and girls-- the chapter in which Bella finally doesn't quite figure out whether Edward's a vampire. She finds plenty of research to back it up, but a sack o' self-loathing like Bella isn't going to jump to any conclusions without second, third, and twelfth-guessing herself, so we probably won't find out the truth about the Cullens for a while yet. I, for one, am on the edge of my seat.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- The chapter starts off with another of Bella's dreams, in which Jacob is a werewolf, Edward is a vampire, and Mike is... well, just kind of there. Once she wakes up, Bella is too distracted to go back to sleep, so she looks up vampires on the internet. [SIDE NOTE-- In all fairness to Ms. Meyer, this bit indicates that she probably visited at least one vampiric lore site, but she spends a bit too long proving it to us.] Bella finds most of the criteria she needs to prove that the Cullens are vampires, but since she doesn't find a credible source that specifically reads 'The Cullens are vampires', she becomes frustrated and embarrassed, then heads out into the woods for some Bella time. She parks her rump on a fallen tree and weighs all the options for an ungodly long time, eventually deciding that (a) Edward may or may not be a vampire, but he is somehow more than human, and (b) even though it would be safer to avoid him if he is a vampire, she's in two or three conversations too deep to stay away. When she gets to school the next day, Edward and company aren't there, so Bella spends the day in such misery that she ends up agreeing to go dress shopping with Jessica, Angela, and Lauren, despite the fact that she and Lauren have at this point developed some sort of girly reason to dislike each other with an intensity rivaling Edward's stare. At some point it gets sunny out, Bella gets some vitamin D, and dinner happens.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. While Bella is waiting for her internet to crank up, she gets a bowl of cereal. Hear that, self-conscious girls who skip breakfast? If an emotional wreck like Bella can handle the most important meal of the day, you can, too.

2. Bella has to write a Macbeth essay, and she decides to focus on whether Shakespeare's treatment of women is misogynistic. Given the overall number of complaints the series receives about Bella's mistreatment at the hands of her gentlemen callers, this is almost as funny as the Wuthering Heights bit.

3. Bella still hates plants.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Once again, we have a chapter with no Edward. He continues to smolder from afar.

Chapter Six (in which Bella becomes a serious collector)

Finally, Chapter Six-- we're officially a quarter of the way through the book, kids. Fortunately for all of us, it's a fairly linear chapter and should be easy to summarize. So, let's get down to business, and I can spend the rest of the afternoon with my nose buried in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, savoring some REAL absurdist fiction.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- It finally stops raining in Forks long enough for Bella, Mike, and everyone else we've come across so far (sans the Cullen clan, of course) to go to the beach. This particular beach is on or near the local Indian-- pardon, NATIVE AMERICAN-- reservation, so some teenagers from the reservation end up joining the beachgoers. One of them is Jacob, who is a year or two younger than Bella and remembers her from childhood. He's friendly and easy to talk to, so while the rest of the group takes turns vying for each others' attention in a grand display of high-school social politics, Bella and Jacob strike up a conversation. Eventually (inevitably) the Cullens are mentioned, and one of the other reservation teens says forbiddingly that they don't come to the beach. Edward-obsessed (Ed-sessed? Can I say that?) Bella is curious, and very suddenly starts flirting with Jacob in order to weasel some information out of him. Jacob proves to be quite susceptible to the old eyelash-batting routine, and once they're off to themselves, he quickly blurts out the whole story: legend has it that his ancestors were werewolves. At some point they called a truce with a family of the 'Cold Ones' (vampires, not beers) who claimed to never harm humans. He adds that the Cold Ones of legend are the same bunch of Cullens that currently live in Forks. Bella finds this all disturbingly interesting, but soon it's time to leave with her friends, and she spends the ride home pondering.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Mr. Dr. Cullen is named Carlisle. He's apparently quite ancient, so his name might be helpful to know. Or, I can just keep calling him Mr. Dr. Cullen because I think it's funny.

2. Bella's Dad bought her truck from Jacob's dad. Their dads are friends. It'll probably come up later.

3. A single beer is often referred to as a 'cold one'. This is generally well-known, so someone should tell Stephenie Meyer.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE-- Difficult to say since he wasn't in the chapter, but I think we can be sure that, wherever he was, he was smoldering.

Chapter Five (wherein lunch factors greatly, but no one is satisfied)

Only up to Chapter Five, and the combined madness and badness of this book may finally be getting to me. Not saying the book wasn't irksome before (to say the least), but my resulting loopiness has pretty much reached the point of public noticeability. Case in point-- in this chapter, there's a reference to the sterile paper you sit on in doctors' offices... it's 'crackly paper'. The rest of the chapter is apparently so bland and uninspired that, by comparison, the term 'crackly paper' made me laugh so hard that I immediately turned to my boyfriend and squee-d, 'It says crackly paper... like, the paper they have at the doctor that you sit on, and it crackles! It IS crackly paper! It's funny because it's true!' Yes, observational humor is often funny, but 'crackly paper' is just something Ms. Meyer happened to say that was so uncharacteristically accurate that it struck me as hilarious. That isn't observational humor. That's just sad. Moving along....

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- So, in the last chapter, Edward offered Bella a ride to Seattle and intensely smoldered her into accepting. In retrospect, that smoldering probably wasn't necessary, because Bella is so overwhelmed by the idea of Edward wanting to drive her anywhere that she talks herself into believing it was probably just a dream. When she gets to lunch that day (he asked before school, so she's only had a few pages to obsess), she doesn't see him sitting in his usual spot with the Cullen crew, which distresses her so much that she loses her appetite. However, he is at lunch after all. One of Bella's friends points out that he's sitting alone, and when Bella turns to look, he motions her over. She sits with him-- which causes much scandalized whispering-- and what follows is a lengthy, cryptic conversation. The only things we really learn from their chat-- (1) Edward may not be the good guy. He may be the bad guy. (2) Edward is dangerous. (3) Edward wants to know 'what' Bella thinks he is, but she's embarrassed because she only has dumb theories. He makes her share one. Thus, we know that Edward was not bitten by a radioactive spider. (4) Edward's stare is still intense. Anyhoo, the lunch bell rings, and it's time for Biology. Edward says he's ditching class and invites her to ditch with him (what a classic high-school bad boy), but Bella decides to go to class. As it turns out, they're blood typing in Biology. It also turns out that Bella faints at the sight/smell of blood. She gets woozy and has to go to the nurse's office with Mike (remember Mike?) eagerly accompanying her. Once they get outside, Edward shows up out of nowhere and insists to take her himself. Mike protests, but Edward brushes him off and, in a great show of harlequin-esque romance, gathers the ailing Bella in his arms and whisks her away to the nurse (and sets her on the crackly paper). He talks the nurse into letting Bella go home early (no PE? awww...), saying that he can give her a ride home. When they get out to the parking lot, Bella heads to her truck, intending to drive herself home. Edward then completely flips out and drags (yes, DRAGS) her to his car, demanding that she let him drive her home. In the car, they briefly discuss family dynamics that we've been aware of for a while now. Edward drives very fast, so they get to Bella's house much sooner than the length of their conversation suggests, she gets out, he leaves, end scene.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. The sanitary paper in the nurse's office is crackly.

2. Edward is nuts.

3. When Bella is tossing around theories about Edward (to herself), Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker are mentioned. At lunch, a Superman reference is made. The Biology teacher's name is Mr. Banner. If you get it, you'll laugh.

INTENSITY OF EDWARD'S STARE: Level 6

Chapter Four (in which everyone does things rather poorly)

After reading Chapter Four, I have two very, very big concerns-- (1) There is a 'Girls' Choice Spring Dance' coming up. Prom has also been mentioned, and (2) if my instincts don't fail me, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to stop hearing about one or both of these events for the remainder of the book. Ah, well... onwards and downwards, I suppose.

CHAPTER SUMMARY-- Remember how I mentioned that at the end of Chapter Three, Bella had a dream about Edward, and that it might be important later? Well, guess what... the beginning of Chapter Four IS the dream. That being said, it's not especially important. Basically, Bella keeps dreaming that she's following or chasing Edward in various scenarios, and he's always just out of reach (gee, how will we ever be able to interpret that one?). Anyhoo, now that Edward has saved Bella's life, he's acting very standoffish and won't talk to her/look at her/etc, not to mention his eyes have gotten darker again (hear that, kids? Stay off the drugs). Then (surprise, surprise) Bella stresses out about Edward's aloofness for far more pages than is right and proper. Finally, he apologizes for ignoring her, but says it's much better if they aren't friends. She gets her knickers in a knot over the whole thing, chews him out, then decides to retaliate by ignoring him back. I feel it's important to mention that Edward is very civil through all this. In fact, I'm going to digress on this topic for a moment. MOMENTARY DIGRESSION-- I have to admit, I was surprised how sympathetic I was toward Edward in this chapter. He at least tries to be reasonable, and he's extremely polite to Bella. He even picks up her books after she drops them all while verbally abusing him--which she does every time he tries to talk to her in this chapter. Yes, she spends the entire chapter whining about how he's ignoring her, then every time he does acknowledge her, she bawls him out-- which, really, he doesn't deserve (yet). So far in the book, Edward has come across as that sort of stuffy, Euro-fruity-looking kid in class who acts insane the first time you meet him, but then turns out to be a pretty intelligent, pleasant person. He's probably manic-depressive, and he's not anyone you'd make after-school plans with, but he's a casual buddy. However, that image drastically shifts at the very end of the chapter, which we'll get to momentarily... END DIGRESSION. New topic-- it turns out, the spring dance is coming up. No, not prom, that's coming up too. There are TWO spring dances coming up, and even though the more pressing one is girls' choice, pretty much every guy Bella knows at this point (remember Mike and Eric? And the guy who almost crunched Bella with his van?) asks her to ask him. She manages to shove them off on all the girls she knows (remember Jessica and co? No? That's because they're not important) by making sudden plans to go to Seattle that day. There continues to be much hoopla about the dance, and Edward continues to be standoffish. Skip to the last page... Edward ends up offering Bella a ride to Seattle. She retorts that he said they shouldn't be friends. He says that it's true, and they shouldn't be friends, but he's 'tired of trying to stay away' from her. It should be noted that he says that last bit with smoldering, Fabio-esque intensity. The words 'smoldering' and 'intensity' really are both used in this scene. Several times. Anyway, how can Bella say no to such an intense smolder? She agrees to ride with him. Now, here's where it gets fun-- not thirty seconds (in real-ish time) after he tells Bella they shouldn't be friends, then convinces her to ride all the way to Seattle with him, Edward says, 'You really should stay away from me.'

He follows up with, 'I'll see you in class.'

That's it, dude. You just lost your casual-buddy status.

NOTABLE NOTES--

1. Bella has female friends. Their names are Jessica, Angela, and Lauren. They might come up later, but thus far they haven't been important enough to mention.

2. Edward drives a silver Volvo. It's not important at all, but I found it about as interesting as anything else.

3. Speaking of the silver Volvo, one of Edward's main selling points for getting Bella to ride with him to Seattle is that his car can make it there on one tank of gas. When she says her truck's mileage is none of his business, he answers, 'The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business.' Aw, he's so eco-friendly. I bet he's also a 'vegetarian'.

4. Even though pretty much everyone in the world knows Edward's really a vampire, there's another perfect explanation for him. He's clearly gay.